After a lot of heartbreaking soul-searching, I’ve come to the realization that I am no longer Pagan. It hurts to admit this but I realize now in my heart of hearts that I no longer believe in Pagan values, Pagan Gods or the Pagan community. After years of struggling with this and trying so hard to muster up enthusiasm here at Patheos, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer continue on this path. I have to break ties, even though I know this will hurt my coven family and my readers.
The decisive moment came last night. I was deep in doubt regarding the direction of my life, my work and my personal morality. I needed the Truth. I needed to feel His love and acceptance. I needed my Creator. He who made the mountains, the trees and a midget. Yes, last night I was touched by the loving embrace of His Noodly Appendage.
All this time I have worshiped and served the God and Goddess of Wicca never realizing that I was really worshiping His Mighty Meatballs, which are larger than the meatballs of any other Deity. The Divine Polarity of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was revealed to me wrapped in it’s Noodly wonder and once you catch a whiff of His garlicky majesty you can no longer deny the Truth.
It’s so obvious that by nature I am one of His people. Persecuted for years, the decline of the Pirate (peaceful explorers outrageously defamed by mainstream religions) has had a direct correlation to the global rise in temperature. This is a scientific Fact and Indisputable. To respect his holy people I am writing this post in full Pirate regalia and I have never felt so clean and pure!
So along with embracing my inner Pirate, it seems fitting to announce my conversion on Friday, the holiest day of the week. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster it’s Friday and remember we are all His creatures! Honor him by having a delicious beer and declaring proudly with me, that you are a Pastafarian! CARBO DIEM!
Oh, and Happy April Fool’s Day!