I’m getting antsy. I’m getting cold feet. I’m going a bit insane. I am told this is normal, as my initiation is just a month away.
Last night I called my priestess to see if there was something I could work on or study to prepare and keep my mind busy. She laughed, like I knew she would, because reading and overthinking is how I deal with things. She said meditation is always good for anxiety, but what I was experiencing is a normal part of the process and I need to accept that.
I knew she would say that. I just needed to hear it. I’d rather she asked me to write a paper on Wiccan Laws, or to study each of the elements in turn. If I’m to be an initiated Witch I can’t begin with escapism but face my humanity squarely. Going a bit loopy before a life-changing ceremony is very human.
So my mind is full of Wicca and full of questions and doubts. Not real doubts, because I love my tradition and my coven with all my heart. Nervous doubts. Nerdy doubts. Crazy-making doubts.
I have been a solitary since October 30th, 1999. Is initiation a betrayal of my past? Will readers and friends who are either solitary or don’t believe in initiation find it a betrayal? Will my decision to initiate be seen as a value judgement on those who choose to remain solitary or who reject initiation in Wicca?
I have a frantic need to say everything now. It’s like I’m having a theological and spiritual bachelor’s party. How restricted will I feel after initiation? I feel like it’s my last chance to run around smashing idols and being spiritually ornery. It’s like I’m chasing after “Mental Strippers” before I settle down into the quiet work of an initiated Witch.
Am I initiating for the right reasons? It’s true I’m initiating into a tradition I love and respect, but also, deep down I have a sort of crazy idea about initiation. I’m not tempted by magic, occult knowledge or status. No, my idea may be a bit crazier than initiating for those reasons. I have this idea that once I’m initiated I’ll find a connection to the God and Goddess of Witchcraft that I feel is lacking now. As if some devotional gate will open and lead me to personal gnosis regarding their nature.
And of course, there are always irrational fears about the ritual itself. The jokes about my losing a toe don’t seem so funny anymore. The jokes about some Witches accidentally blowing up don’t seem so funny either. Even worse, what if I do something to flub it? What if I accidentally wear something forbidden and I’m forced to change at the gate? What if days of fasting makes me loopy and I insult an elder the day of initiation? What if I enter circle and the shades of Lady Sintana, Robert Cochrane and Lady Sheba make their disapproval known because they don’t like my blog?
Maybe these are valid questions. Maybe I’m just going a bit nuts prior to initiation. At any rate, you’ll likely only have to deal with my intense and bizarre obsession with Wicca for a few more weeks. I hope…
This video has nothing to do with my post, but illustrates my line of thinking at the moment rather well…