Fresh Snark: What I’d Love To See On Showtime’s “Polyamory: Married and Dating” (Possibly NSFW)

I had a day full of errands yesterday and more today, so I’m not going to get into any heavy topics today. However, I have been thinking about Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating, simultaneously dreading and looking forward to the next episode. So I’ve been thinking about what I’d love to see on the show this week. Some folks were a bit confused about the snark warning in the title, so if you don’t like it when I’m mean then I highly recommend you go check out the in-depth serious reviews by Jessica Karels over on ModernPoly.com (who are looking for poly writers).

Less talking about feelings.

So here is my pie-in-the-sky wishlist for Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating:

  • Michael and Tahl get a haircut. I think Tahl could rock a mohawk pretty hard, and Michael might look hotter with a bit of a Marine haircut. Hooah!
  • Anthony grows a goatee. And pierces his septum.
  • In the middle of a morning house meeting Jen tells everyone to go to hell, heads to the mall by herself, shops for shoes, gets her hair and nails did (she should dye her hair a flaming red color to give her a sass boost), eats a huge slice of cheesecake, and then chills out at a movie by herself, sipping some whiskey from a flask hidden in her jacket. When she comes back home a sassy redhead with her girls supported by Victoria Secrets finest, sporting some dominatrix boots, smelling slightly of whiskey and a “Don’t mess with me” look on her face, the pod know they will never be able to steamroll her again.
  • Oh, and she should bring home a rather disreputable looking rocker dude in leather pants, covered in tattoos and a chin full of fresh stubble. As she drags him to her bedroom she should call back that Tahl will need to bunk with Kamala and Michael tonight, ’cause mama’s gettin’ some. When Tahl mentions that this makes him uncomfortable and angry the next day, Jen should respond that she has a hard time taking his feelings seriously when he fails to take hers seriously. Then she should should make it clear that if she doesn’t want someone in her house, then they don’t come in the house. He can go grab coffee at Starbucks with his friend rather than making her intentionally uncomfortable in her own @$%#& home.
  • Kamala should spend a day in sweatpants, eating granola, swigging green tea and watching a Braxton Family Values marathon.
  • Michael should do an individual interview session discussing the profound emotional and spiritual revelation of receiving anal sex from a man.
  • Vanessa should look across the dinner table and just stare incredulously at Anthony and Lindsey as if she’s had a sudden realization, and tell them: “You are vapid, self-involved people, and that’s saying a lot coming from a hoochie dancer. I think I’m going to go to Comic-Con and see if I can’t find a more interesting couple to marry. ‘Cause the family that cosplays together, stays together.”
  • They should discuss their religious background. Are they Pagan? Atheist? Jewish? Christian? Scientologist? Really laid-back Amish from a liberal ordnung?
  • During the soft porn scenes they should play either Tenacious D’s “F**k Her Gently” or Jonathon Coulton’s “First of May.”
  • We need new peeps. How about a male-female-male triad in which two partners are polyfidelitious and one isn’t, and keeps bringing home strange women? Hijinks!
  • Tahl should get the hots for a sarcastic chubby woman with a visible mustache. She should be a cop who likes to crochet in her spare time.
  • An older couple made up of a beer-bellied bearded hippie, and his short-haired Pema Chodron-looking wife who are coming out of mourning for his male lover who passed last year. The wife is being supportive and encouraging him to date guys.
  • Four lesbians, all a bit plump and slightly butch, trying to be a supportive quad and start a rock band.
  • Single poly people. Particularly a woman seeking a polygamous marriage.
  • I feel bad for even writing this, but I kinda have this twisted desire to see Lindsey get slapped.
  • Michael should gain 20 lbs and the pod should have a heartfelt discussion about why this is unacceptable to them for sexy reasons.
  • Kamala should ask Jen to awkwardly make-out (because they always look awkward) and Jen should say she’d rather have real, honest-to-goodness sex.
  • How about some music from actual poly musicians, like Gaia Consort/Bone Poets Orchestra?
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I’ll watch the next episode, and snark over it, but I think this topic could be better handled by a well-written scripted series.

About Star Foster

Polytheistic Wiccan initiated into the Ravenwood tradition, she has many opinions. Some of them are actually useful.

  • Falcc

    As a Poly Pagan that has been watching the show from the beginning (but isn’t caught up!) I’m a fan of.. basically all of these. I’m so thrilled to have ANY show about Polyamory that isn’t playing it up as some kind of freakshow. Now that they managed not to be blatantly exploitative  maybe something realistic can ensue.

    It’s a little frustrating considering that during the run-up to this show all the people involved were billed as these big activists only to find that half of them are completely self absorbed and half are incapable of even self-advocating to their own partners. Maybe something will come out in the Modern Poly cast interviews later that explains why they all seem so drama absorbed.

  • modernpoly

    We were pretty excited to be able to do a Q&A by email with Anthony, and look forward to posting it once we finish editing out all of the [insert cuss words here] formatting and line breaks that Gmail added from the convo (and also burying ourselves out of our pile of Poly & Race/Gender/Politics/Faith submissions that we’re publishing this month.

    As for the triad: they’re actually involved in lots of activism - this was (from what we can tell) one of their first major steps into polyamory activism. They wanted to be able to talk topics that they’re passionate about – like the prison industrial complex, capitalism, sex worker rights, Occupy, etc. However, those scenes got cut from the show due to the view that the audience could only handle one controversial topic at a time (polyamory).

  • Lēoht Sceadusawol

    I like the idea of you writing the script for season two. Dump any pretence to reality and just make it funny.

    • http://www.patheos.com/ Star Foster

       I am totally willing to write for tv. Do you hear that, Tina Fey?

  • acristofani

    “You are vapid, self-involved people”.  Do you know what the words vapid or self-involved mean?  You’re talking of two people who read Deleuze and Guattari and Foucault for fun, who write short stories about people in prison struggling against prison industrial complex, who spend most of their free time in Occupy, Critical Resistance and SWOP-LA, and other OTHER PEOPLE-involved activities, who wear “Fuck Capitalism” “Women: A might force for Revolution” and “Remember George Jackson” T-shirts on national TV, who have more books in their living room than you’ve probably read in your life (none of them cheap and conformist snark, either), and who pretty much turn every conversation in public to politics or art.  You have got to have the worst people reading skills I’ve ever seen.  You see sexy people and conclude vapid–very original, a true phenomenologist.

    • http://www.patheos.com/ Star Foster

       Dude, all anyone knows is what they see on tv. What they see is slightly trashy reality tv.

    • http://www.patheos.com/ Star Foster

       Also, calling other people ignorant when they have a different opinion is lame, arrogant and pretty ignorant in itself.

    • bbqcornnuts

      “Who have more books in their living room than you’ve probably read in your life”

      That’s a pretty harsh statement. Just because someone doesn’t see everything the way you do doesn’t mean they don’t read. You have elected to put yourself on a trashy reality show. Have you seen any other Showtime programming? You are being perceived this way because of the medium.

  • http://profiles.google.com/emkatcreations Kat Emralde

    You are amazing :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/sage.blackthorn Sage Blackthorn

    Can I add something to you list Star? I’d like to see them show more of Riverside in general. You know, the Triad walking around town, showing daily life, shopping at the grocery store, filling up on gas that’s $3.95/gallon over on 14th Street & Market, getting hit up for change by the homeless that hang out around the Riverside Plaza…… You know,  real life. A “Reality TV Show” that actually shows Real Life, novel concept don’t ya’ think?


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