Should We Be Worried About Donald Drumpf’s Mind Control Powers?

Should We Be Worried About Donald Drumpf’s Mind Control Powers? March 11, 2016

Don't look into his eyes (Wikimedia Commons, altered by Cody Ray Shafer)
Don’t look into his eyes
(Wikimedia Commons, altered by Cody Ray Shafer)

I’m starting to come up with new, helpful ways of framing the 2016 Executive Champion Deathmatch (formerly known as the presidential election) and with each new development, the details just get weirder and weirder. At this point, no theory is too wild to explain what could possibly be happening.

For instance, Ben Carson, everyone’s favorite, lovable, ambien-personified candidate has now dropped out of the race and endorsed Donald Drumpf. As a pair, the two are about as far on the personality spectrum as possible, one loud and arrogant and unhinged, the other quiet and intelligent and… also unhinged. Okay, so they’re two sides of a slightly psychopathic spectrum, but still, Carson’s endorsement of our growing collective nightmare was surprising to say the least.

It kind of made sense when Chris Christie endorsed Drumpf, but still uncomfortable to watch how easily Drumpf sidelined the guy. Which leads to my new political theory; Donald Drumpf has discovered mind control, and is using it on his foes.

I think Ben Carson might have been trying to alert the public to Donald’s secret powers during his endorsement speech:

“There are two different Donald Drumpfs. There’s the one you see on the stage and there’s the one who’s very cerebral, sits there and considers things very carefully.”

Hm… sits there, calculatingly, warping the perceptions of his fallen fellow Republicans until they suddenly realize they’ve been in support of Donald Drumpf all along. This has to be the only possible explanation for his seemingly inevitable rise to power, right? This also leads to my second theory, that Ted Cruz is a spaceslug in a man suit, and that’s why he’s impervious to Drumpf’s power.

I’m also willing to debate whether Drumpf is hypnotizing these guys, are just stealing their souls, like Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat. This seems more plausible in the Chris Christie scenario.

I know this seems far fetched, but this is an era when Donald Drumpf may actually be our next president. Stay vigilant.
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