Fundamentalist Approved Feminist Literature

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I read constantly. It was a way to find out more about the world outside my parents home, and escape from the day in day out monotony, and other than our family movie nights, some of my only entertainment.Some books that I read, were not approved. I speed-read them without my parents knowledge in the library (The Princess Diaries Series, Star Wars Sci-Fi) and later when I had access to book stores bought them and hid them in the cabinet that was mine (Leon Uris and Chiam Potok). Sometimes unapproved books made their way into our house from grandparents downsizing (Readers Digest collections) or a large box of classics a distant relative or friend dropped off for the homeschool kids, … [Read more...]

Rather Dead Than Queer

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I’m so cripplingly lonely. I have parents that think I shouldn’t be allowed to go out with friends more than once every couple months because they don’t want me to make friends that accept my gender. I never get any social interaction, I just sit in my room and listen to indie music and browse tumblr all day. My social anxiety is at an all time high and my stuttering is worse than it’s ever been. -Quote from Leelah's Tumblr I remember trying to figure out a way to explain. A way to describe how the rejection feels. Every statement about "god's plan", and "god's design", pounding it further and further into your head, that god does not love you the way you are, god despises and rejects people … [Read more...]

Re-Post: Lies we tell ourselves about abuse

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This post was originally published June 2011. One of the things that prompted my finally admitting my own denial, was realizing I did not want to parent the way I was parented.  I wanted to believe that how I grew up had not been harmful, I wanted so badly for my parents to be right, that I refused to think about it, refused to deal with it, and even repeated it. In the end, my desire to not hurt my kids was stronger than my desire for my parents to be right.  That is what snapped me out of the fog, and forced me to get help. (I have one more re-post after this one. To read about what prompted this, check out this post.)  We want to think the best of people. We want to tell o … [Read more...]

Re-Post: Rights of a Child

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This post was originally published August 2011. It was part of my reaction to Michael Farris' creating a "parent's rights" amendment and proposing to amend our constitution. It was a big realization for me that the parent is not sacred, that they do not always know what is best for their child, and sometimes they need help. It helped me to take a step toward freedom from the weight of my parents expectations of me, and also help me be less afraid of acknowledging my own shortcomings as a parent, and be less afraid to get help and learn more. Several months ago, my mom was spouting off against the government and Child Protective Services in a phone conversation, saying that they should never … [Read more...]

Re-Post: I’m Not Afraid Anymore

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This post was originally published November 2010. I had spent years trying to put on a good face, hide any issues I might have because it could be a "bad witness" to the redemption of Christ. This was one of the first times I talked openly about depression, and shortly after that got into counseling for the first time. 2011 ended up being a huge year of growth for me. I struggle with depression.There are several dark years in my Teens. Years where I didn’t want to get up out of bed, where I had a hard time smiling, where I thought about suicide and planned how I could end my pain forever. At some point, I discovered several food sensitivities as well as low thyroid and was able to ma … [Read more...]

Breaking the Silence

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Cynthia Jeub telling her story brings up a lot for me. Memories. Memories of hiding in small dark places with my hands clamped firmly over my ears to try to block out the screams of a sibling who was being "disciplined." Being isolated, and truly having no one to tell, no one to turn to for help. Memories of fear and shame and rage. Nightmares. Dreams where it all happens over again. That sick feeling in my stomach over not being able to help, change the circumstances, sick from fear. Heart racing, waking up in a sweat. Waking up and still feeling tired after long night. Regret. That I didn't say something then. That I didn't know what was happening to me and my siblings was abusive. … [Read more...]


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