Re-Post: I’m Not Afraid Anymore

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This post was originally published November 2010. I had spent years trying to put on a good face, hide any issues I might have because it could be a "bad witness" to the redemption of Christ. This was one of the first times I talked openly about depression, and shortly after that got into counseling for the first time. 2011 ended up being a huge year of growth for me. I struggle with depression.There are several dark years in my Teens. Years where I didn’t want to get up out of bed, where I had a hard time smiling, where I thought about suicide and planned how I could end my pain forever. At some point, I discovered several food sensitivities as well as low thyroid and was able to ma … [Read more...]

Re-post: Never Good Enough

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This post was originally published in August of 2010. It was the first time I said anything but positive things about the way I was raised. I remember being surprised that so many people responded with compassion and encouragement, I had been bracing myself for people to tell me I was being ungrateful and exaggerating, as had been my experience when I had questioned anything in the past. It was shortly after this that I spoke to my parents about what had been harmful to me in childhood, in the hopes that things would be different for my siblings. Realizing that I did not have to pretend I was perfect, and that I could possibly be good enough, was a huge breakthrough moment for me.  I … [Read more...]

Brave New Life: Part 4: An Overcast Summer

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This post is part of a series, click here to start with the introduction.The grapevine raged and the news was spreading fast. Random people who hadn’t been in touch over the last 7 years suddenly sent us long involved email lectures on how wrong we were, and how much they cared about us, and how could we do this to people who cared about us? At first we tried to respond to them, answering their questions, and explaining as best we could. But when it became clear that most of them had no actual interest in our experience, but just wanted to be a spokesperson for their idea of god, we got better at discerning which confrontations to engage with.We heard that Haley’s parents had told the … [Read more...]

Keeping Never Good Enough at Bay

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I went to a visit with a counselor recently, and talked about the persistent feeling of failure that is always there in the back of my mind. Logically, I know that I am taking steps to be a better parent, that I have changed so much about how I relate to my children, and yet most of the time I feel like I am a “bad mom”. Why? Because I could have more energy, do more fun projects, keep the house cleaner, never have grumpy days, in short, I could be perfect. Yeah, that perfectionism thing still dogs me.The feeling hits me in other ways too, why haven’t I been able to pin down what exactly I want to pursue education in? Why can’t I make more money? Why do I still have so many insecurities a … [Read more...]

“The Easy Fix”

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There is this religious long-time understanding of humanity as a broken and in need of being fixed by a savior. The idea that people are messed up and only a third party intervention by a deity is going to make them good and perfect again. In this understanding, people can try all they want to fix themselves, but in the end the only thing that is going to redeem them from their inherent awfulness, is a savior.I used to think of any human attempt to get help as similar to slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound. They were trying to treat the symptoms, instead of dealing with the root problem and solving everything once and for all.For example, in my mind at the time, taking an Advil for … [Read more...]

Mama Health: Motivation for Self-care

Before we moved, life was complicated. My spouse was working in a non-accepting environment and I dreaded going to church every Sunday. But apart from that, I had never felt so healthy in all my life. My marriage was amazing, my parenting relationship to my kids was being transformed more and more, my confidence was growing by the day it seemed. Since moving I’ve felt it slip a little. Moving is exhausting, and sometimes I was less than the parent I wanted to be. The week we came out to family, my body freaked out. I had sores in my mouth, and came down with the worst case of mastitis I’ve ever had. Telling family about the parts of our life that we knew they would not understand, was scary a … [Read more...]


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