Re-Post: Lies we tell ourselves about abuse

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This post was originally published June 2011. One of the things that prompted my finally admitting my own denial, was realizing I did not want to parent the way I was parented.  I wanted to believe that how I grew up had not been harmful, I wanted so badly for my parents to be right, that I refused to think about it, refused to deal with it, and even repeated it. In the end, my desire to not hurt my kids was stronger than my desire for my parents to be right.  That is what snapped me out of the fog, and forced me to get help. (I have one more re-post after this one. To read about what prompted this, check out this post.)  We want to think the best of people. We want to tell o … [Read more...]

Re-Post: I’m Not Afraid Anymore

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This post was originally published November 2010. I had spent years trying to put on a good face, hide any issues I might have because it could be a "bad witness" to the redemption of Christ. This was one of the first times I talked openly about depression, and shortly after that got into counseling for the first time. 2011 ended up being a huge year of growth for me. I struggle with depression.There are several dark years in my Teens. Years where I didn’t want to get up out of bed, where I had a hard time smiling, where I thought about suicide and planned how I could end my pain forever. At some point, I discovered several food sensitivities as well as low thyroid and was able to ma … [Read more...]

Re-post: Never Good Enough

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This post was originally published in August of 2010. It was the first time I said anything but positive things about the way I was raised. I remember being surprised that so many people responded with compassion and encouragement, I had been bracing myself for people to tell me I was being ungrateful and exaggerating, as had been my experience when I had questioned anything in the past. It was shortly after this that I spoke to my parents about what had been harmful to me in childhood, in the hopes that things would be different for my siblings. Realizing that I did not have to pretend I was perfect, and that I could possibly be good enough, was a huge breakthrough moment for me.  I … [Read more...]

Yes I buy ice cream with my food stamps.

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When we were on the brink of transition, and facing the prospect of losing our income and home, we spent a lot of time crunching numbers. How much money would we need to survive for 3 months with no income? How about 6 months? We added up the costs for rent, insurance gas and upkeep for our 13 year old van, utilities, our life insurance policies, and diapers. And one of the costs I always included in my calculations was food.It never even occurred to me to get food stamps. That was something “lazy” people got, who “didn’t work” and “lived off the government”.  Even when times were tight in the past, we put food expenses on our credit card, never even considering that we might qualify for … [Read more...]

Learning Humility

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We got a mattress.It’s the first big ticket purchase we’ve made in a long time so it’s kind of a big deal.The delivery guys were coming between 9 and 12 on Saturday to drop it off. This was good. I don’t work Saturday, Haley does, but I usually take advantage of an entire day where I am not tired from already working an eight hour shift on my feet to get some cleaning done.And then they showed up at 9:14, when I had just finished feeding everyone breakfast and getting them all dressed and barely started picking up. I let them in, and showed them our bedroom down the hall. One of them was sweet, he smiled, gave the kids mints, and didn’t seem to mind stepping around the piles of la … [Read more...]

Malpractice on the Air

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It was almost midnight and I was driving home after my usual shift. Yawning, I pushed the radio button hoping to catch a peppy song to keep me awake, but the station that usually plays pop music had one of those call-in counseling shows on. “Hello Brooke, so you are 19 and pregnant?”“Yes, unexpectedly so.”“Wow, you’re going to be a mom.”“Yeah, I’m excited, but nervous, because I don’t have a lot of support ya know?”  I fumbled with the dial, trying to change the channel before I got sucked in, but it was too late.  “Don’t you have family?” The host asked.“Well, they don’t really want to be a part of my life.”“Oh, that’s sad, why not?”“Well, they th … [Read more...]


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