What I Understand

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In my last re-post I talked about how I am not my parents. This stemmed from being told again and again (whenever I disagreed with my parents stance on something) that when I was older, when I was a parent, when I was a parent of many...I would magically understand why my parents did what they did.The implication being that I would agree with and condone what they did as well.The breakthrough I talked about in that post, was stating that I will never "understand" or feel that abuse was justified, and I stand by that statement. But some of what they are saying is true. I have begun to understand some things.I have four children, I work on my feet forty hours a week, my wife … [Read more...]

Re-Post: I’m Not Afraid Anymore

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This post was originally published November 2010. I had spent years trying to put on a good face, hide any issues I might have because it could be a "bad witness" to the redemption of Christ. This was one of the first times I talked openly about depression, and shortly after that got into counseling for the first time. 2011 ended up being a huge year of growth for me. I struggle with depression.There are several dark years in my Teens. Years where I didn’t want to get up out of bed, where I had a hard time smiling, where I thought about suicide and planned how I could end my pain forever. At some point, I discovered several food sensitivities as well as low thyroid and was able to ma … [Read more...]

Keeping Never Good Enough at Bay

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I went to a visit with a counselor recently, and talked about the persistent feeling of failure that is always there in the back of my mind. Logically, I know that I am taking steps to be a better parent, that I have changed so much about how I relate to my children, and yet most of the time I feel like I am a “bad mom”. Why? Because I could have more energy, do more fun projects, keep the house cleaner, never have grumpy days, in short, I could be perfect. Yeah, that perfectionism thing still dogs me.The feeling hits me in other ways too, why haven’t I been able to pin down what exactly I want to pursue education in? Why can’t I make more money? Why do I still have so many insecurities a … [Read more...]

“The Easy Fix”

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There is this religious long-time understanding of humanity as a broken and in need of being fixed by a savior. The idea that people are messed up and only a third party intervention by a deity is going to make them good and perfect again. In this understanding, people can try all they want to fix themselves, but in the end the only thing that is going to redeem them from their inherent awfulness, is a savior.I used to think of any human attempt to get help as similar to slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound. They were trying to treat the symptoms, instead of dealing with the root problem and solving everything once and for all.For example, in my mind at the time, taking an Advil for … [Read more...]

5 things I like about being a mom who works part-time

So, I have my first job outside the home since I got married. I actually saw the notice in the window, put together my pathetic resume (for what felt like the five hundreth time) and printed it at the library and turned it in all by myself. Then I went in for the interview wearing uncomfortable slacks that are at least 10 years old, and answered questions about myself. (Thankfully, I can wear whatever I want for this job as long as I have sleeves and close-toed shoes, so I went back to my trusty old jeans instead.) I was still surprised when she hired me. But excited. And relieved.The work is mostly baking and cooking which I am good at, and confident in, and it is only a few blocks from my … [Read more...]

Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler

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Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning - Your Stories This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.My third baby is 32 months old, and she was weaned this last month. Sometimes I feel sad when I think about it, she has always been a super sweet little baby, and loves to snuggle. There was something special about her still being able to get instant comfort from her mama whenever her day was going badly. I nursed her all the way through my fourth pregnancy, and tandem nursed her and her brother for a year. … [Read more...]


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