Brave New Life: Part 7: The Journey Continues

This post is part of a series, to start with the introduction click here.It feels a little silly to write the last planned post of this series when I stopped adding to it over a year ago! But It still feels incomplete to me, and so here I am.Relating to non-affirming friends and family when coming out isn't a race. It's more like a marathon. It's exhausting, it takes endurance and persistence. I purposely choose to live a distance away from them because I know how much interaction I can handle. Sometimes I feel guilty for not living closer, so I could be more available for siblings, or so my kids could more easily experience aunts, uncles and grandparents. But I know that the fantasy … [Read more...]

Rather Dead Than Queer

I’m so cripplingly lonely. I have parents that think I shouldn’t be allowed to go out with friends more than once every couple months because they don’t want me to make friends that accept my gender. I never get any social interaction, I just sit in my room and listen to indie music and browse tumblr all day. My social anxiety is at an all time high and my stuttering is worse than it’s ever been. -Quote from Leelah's Tumblr I remember trying to figure out a way to explain. A way to describe how the rejection feels. Every statement about "god's plan", and "god's design", pounding it further and further into your head, that god does not love you the way you are, god despises and rejects people … [Read more...]

Re-Post: I’m Not Afraid Anymore

This post was originally published November 2010. I had spent years trying to put on a good face, hide any issues I might have because it could be a "bad witness" to the redemption of Christ. This was one of the first times I talked openly about depression, and shortly after that got into counseling for the first time. 2011 ended up being a huge year of growth for me. I struggle with depression.There are several dark years in my Teens. Years where I didn’t want to get up out of bed, where I had a hard time smiling, where I thought about suicide and planned how I could end my pain forever. At some point, I discovered several food sensitivities as well as low thyroid and was able to ma … [Read more...]

But now I WANT to be here

There was a dark corner in the living room where the dark heavy book case was. I used to squeeze myself between the bookcase and the wall. Here, curled up in the dark, I dreamed of running away. Sometimes I wished I never had to come out of my little corner, maybe if I squeezed myself small enough, I could disappear, just evaporate into the darkness somehow. Either way, I was sure no one would miss me. They might not even notice I was gone, except when they started to fall behind in housework.I thought about death so much that I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal. Didn’t everyone wish they had never been born? Didn’t everyone think that the world would be a better place if they didn’t exi … [Read more...]