I was touched this week by all of the heart-felt articles on the topic of abortion (especially the Dry Bones Blog, Kathleen, you rock). I can imagine all women have a part of their heart that feels something very unique on this topic. For me, I am reminded that the pain that comes from the loss of a child can come in many forms. Each with their own complexities and unique complications.
My body was not very savvy about having babies … many of my friends were blessed to be able to decide to get pregnant and then make that a reality in short order. I, on the other hand, was able to get pregnant and then consistently miscarried at exactly 6 weeks. It happened more times than you can count on one hand … this was a unique kind of loss that got a little more acute each time since each time, I lost a little confidence that I would have a baby — that maybe I was just not capable. And each time, I mourned the loss of a baby that would not be born, a life that would not get a chance to live in this world, and that I might never get to experience being a mother. At the same time, it is also complicated with the feelings that maybe I had done something to cause the miscarriage.
And that would haunt me for months. Time was the only salve … with time came peace and just a general sadness.
Then magically, 5 years later (with a much older body), I found myself pregnant and holding my breath. First, I made it past the 6-week mark, and then the 12-week mark, and daily could not believe that I was gonna carry a baby!
While Jake and I didn’t make the full term, we made it, just barely … and his beautiful face and tiny 4-pound body helped me to find peace for all my babies that never were.