The Battle of Water-Loo, Ghetto Santa, and Little Miss Stalin: Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood, Part 3

 

1.  VICTORY IS SWEET (PEE). I had been preparing my daughter for the first night that she would sleep through the night without a diaper.  She was scared she would have an accident.  I reminded her that she had not had an accident for months, and I even showed her all the dry diapers that had gathered in the trash bin from all the nights when she “held it” until she woke up.  There was not a single wet diaper.  She was still scared.  So, naturally, on the very day that she was to go diaper-less at bedtime, she “had an accident.”

I saw it happen.  We had just returned from church.  She stood in the door that leads from the garage to the kitchen and informed me of nature’s call.  I made her wait for about ten seconds, since I had to fetch something from the car, and the next time I looked at her, she had this triumphant look on her face.

“I peeped,” she said.  (This is her past-tense form of the verb, which is too funny for me to correct.)  She might have been the Duke of Wellington announcing his victory at Waterloo.

And indeed she had “peeped.”  I carried her, at arm’s length, to the bathroom, and took off the wet jeans.  I sat her on the toilet for no particular reason, feeling forlorn.

Of course, you’re thinking the same thing now that I thought then: O for the days when I could get out of something simply by soiling my pants.

2.  GHETTO SANTA CLAUS. My three-year-old asked Santa for a bunny when she saw him at the local mall.  We could, I suggested to my wife, get a rabbit hutch in the backyard.  Swiftly, my wife found a nice stuffed “Peter Rabbit.”

We were headed to a party where we were supposed to bring a present for ‘Santa’ (one of the other fathers) to hand out to the children.  Unfortunately, the fellow who was supposed to be Santa wimped out (claiming to be “sick”), and I was asked to step up.  You can’t exactly say no to that, can you?

I think I must have been the worst Santa in the history of Santas.  The older kids commented on how “ghetto” my costume was — and they were right.  I had to stuff a pillow under my belt, and I had to keep my face down because the moustache and beard fell whenever I raised my chin more than an inch from my chest.  This gave my not-so-booming ho-ho-hos a menacing look.  The kids hardly seemed to notice — but you know what?  I didn’t really care about the other kids.  I’d never met them before.  I needed to maintain the illusion, lest I earn myself their parents’ ire forevermore, but I was mostly concerned with my own little girl.  I handed out the other toys and then came to hers.

Surely, I thought, surely, she would recognize me.  My eyes, my nose, my voice.  She’s seen and heard them almost every day of her life.

Of course, I was completely mistaken.  She stared at me with utter incomprehension.  And she was perfectly happy with Peter Rabbit.  I took pictures: a ghetto, back-bencher Santa with his chin in his chest, glaring up through his bushy white eyebrows — and then I got out of there as quickly as I could.

My own father played Santa at his company Christmas party every year.  I remember, as a young boy (but too old for the Santa illusion anymore), going into the bathroom to help him change into the suit and laughing at one of his farting coworkers in the stall next door.  Dad was a much better Santa than I am.

3.  LITTLE MISS STALIN. For weeks now, my three-month-old has practically lived for “smile wars,” where we smile back and forth and see who gets sleepy or hungry or gassy first.  One thing we often do in the midst of such wars is “super baby.”  I lay down on the floor and sit her on my belly.  She crouches down, and as I lift her she pushes off with her mighty tree-trunk legs and sets off into the air, “flying over the hills and the mountaintops.”

Yesterday, she laughed for the first time.  Truly laughed.  This was also the day that my parents’ beloved dog was put to sleep.  Three months old, and she’s already rejoicing in the suffering of others.

4.  HOKEY TEARY. Does anyone else get weepy when you sing children’s songs like “Old MacDonald,” “Say, Say Oh Playmate” or “Do Your Ears Hang Low?”  Maybe the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about — but this is ridiculous.  I don’t understand this at all, but I’m pretty sure it means I need therapy.

5.   CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS – A PHOTO ESSAY.

My three-year-old wanted to help me decorate the Christmas tree. I was busy draping the lights across the branches, and looked down to realize she had been taking the initiative. Her first decoration was traditional: "pine corns," as she called them.

Her second decoration was, well, less traditional: A "Turbo Tax" DVD. Is she offering ironic comment on my financial management of the household?

Apparently a message *was* intended -- as she proceeded to hang the entire DVD course of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University on the tree. Clearly, she's concerned about her college fund.

Hidden amongst the Dave Ramsey DVDs, a magic wand. The message: It's going to take a miracle for you to afford my college tuition.

And my personal favorite: a napkin she had found on the floor. In other words: Someday I'm going to have to wipe the drool from your senile head. Are you *really* sure you want to skimp on that college fund?

The little elf herself, doing her best Japanese Anime pose. Her question: Of course, I wouldn't really abandon you to an old folks' home...Or would I?

For earlier installments in the Deep Thoughts on Fatherhood series, go here and here.

War Horse: A Modern Epic on the End of Modernity

War Horse is not a postmodern film.  Steven Spielberg’s latest offering does not aim for the stylish irony of a Quentin Tarantino film, the melancholic psycho-spirituality of Darren Aronofsky, the stylized editing of David Fincher, the staggering reversals of M. Night Shyamalan or powerful complexity of Christopher Nolan’s multi-layered masterpieces.  I’ll publish a review of War Horse on Friday (it opens on Christmas day), but what interests me at the moment is the way in which Spielberg uses modern (and not postmodern) filmmaking to tell the story of the end of modernity: World War 1.

As anyone knows who’s read the Michael Morpurgo children’s novel (1982) or seen the play (2007), War Horse tells the tale of Joey, a horse of remarkable strength and pluck who journeys from the great open vistas of England’s southwestern county of Devon, through the cities and countryside of Europe in the midst of World War 1, and eventually back into the arms of the boy (Albert, played by newcomer Jeremy Irvine) who tamed him and built his life around him.  Albert’s father purchased Joey in a fit of pique at his exploitative landlord, and it’s only through Albert’s interventions that Joey indeed turns around the family fortunes.  Yet Albert’s beloved friend is sold to the military at the outset of World War 1, and goes into war as the mount of a young captain (played by the Oxford- and Cambridge-bred Tom Hiddleston, a rising star who has recently played Loki in Thor and F. Scott Fitzgerald in Midnight in Paris).  I won’t reveal the twists and turns of the plot from there, but Joey ends up trapped in No Man’s Land between the British and German trenches, and becomes the occasion for a momentary outbreak of peace as men from both sides struggle to free him.

Spielberg himself told us at the press junket that this is not an anti-war movie.  Moments earlier, Emily Watson (who plays Albert’s mother, Rose Naracott) had said that it was an anti-war movie.  Morpurgo has said that War Horse is not about war but about peace, as the horse is no respecter of sides (he finds himself serving both the Allies and the Central Powers) and brings about peace wherever he goes.  There’s no question that Spielberg shows the horrors of war — though less graphically here than in Saving Private Ryan.  And the horse is a useful lens.  Somewhere between 5 and 10 million horses died in the Great War, as the mechanization of warfare made horses little more than machine-gun fodder and beasts of burden who worked to death pulling massive pieces of artillery around the continent.

We remember World War 1 as a particularly pointless war.  Archduke Ferdinand of Austria, heir to the Austrio-Hungarian Empire, was assassinated by a Yugoslav nationalist, and this led to a conflict that conspired, through alliances forged in the previous decades, to put the world’s greatest imperialist powers at war against one another.  The “cause” of the war was essentially the relentless expansion of Europe’s imperial powers, and the war erupted when their claims to portions of the world came in conflict.

None of this is shown in the film.  Instead we see the sons of England rushing to enlist for the next great adventure, expecting a swift and orderly conflict that would allow them to travel and train and exercise their masculinity.  Instead they found themselves mired in a years-long nightmare, and a whole generation was decimated, as the old methods of warfare (like the cavalry charge) ran directly into the new technologies of war, and the result was wholesale slaughter with a swiftness and bullet-filled brutality that the world had never before seen.  In the seventeenth century, it took thirty years to kill 4-11 million Europeans.  In World War 1, it took 4 years to kill 15-20 million (as many as 65 million if one includes deaths due to the Spanish Flu, which spread through the war).

Moviegoers will find that War Horse reminds them of the best movies they saw when they were growing up.  Its story is complicated insofar as it takes the audience through multiple smaller stories in sequence, but it’s a single story line told in a chronological manner.  There’s no shifting back and forth in time (as in Pulp Fiction), no backward storytelling (as in Memento), no multi-layered temporal puzzles (as in Inception).  There’s also no sardonic narrator (as in Fight Club), no multiplicity of interlocking stories (a la Crash), no clever insertions of text (as in a Guy Ritchie flick) — none of the gimmicks.  It’s straightforward storytelling in the midst of gorgeous wide-angle views of the English and French countrysides from a master of the craft who feels no need to attract attention to himself.  As uber-producer Kathleen Kennedy told me, it’s the kind of “epic story of hope” that attracted her to movies, a story of family and love and bravery and loyalty that’s cast upon the widest and most dramatic canvas possible.

Philosophers and theologians often cite World War 1 as the end of “the modern era,” a period of optimism in the progress of science and the perfectibility of human nature and society.  The “progressives” of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries believed — with much justification — that the irresistible march of scientific knowledge would offer not only mastery of the physical world but also mastery of the psychological and social worlds.  We were extricating ourselves from the backwardness and the superstitions of the pre-modern world (the achievements and the philosophical and scientific syntheses of the “Dark Ages” prior to the “Enlightenment” were conveniently forgotten), and were forging a new world order, spreading the light of knowledge (and therefore peace and joy) through Europe’s far-flung colonies around the globe.

World War 1 shattered that belief.  It was the most scientifically developed nations, and the most politically developed ones as well, that fought each other until they were savagely red in tooth and claw.  In the Great War, science was the great leveler, the machine that mowed down a generation and cared nothing for title and rank.  Europe staggered out of World War 1 far less confident in its own virtue, and far less confident that the world was growing brighter with every passing decade.

America, largely untouched by World War 1, would cherish its visions of progress for decades longer, even through World War 2.  Europeans view Americans as naive in this respect, blinkered, hopelessly optimistic in the face of human evil.  Perhaps the persistence of Christian faith in America has had something to do with that peculiarly American sense of optimism and hope — but World War 1 and the complicity of the state churches (as in World War 2) accelerated the eclipse of Christianity in Europe.

Spielberg tells a classical odyssey story in a classical manner.  He tells a story of hope in the midst of the war that, for an entire continent, sounded the death knell of hope.  It will be interesting to see how American audiences respond.  Will this story seem anachronistic, like a John Ford or David Lean movie, or will it remind Americans why they fell in love with movies in the first place?  Will they conclude that Steven Spielberg has fallen behind the wave of more ironic, self-referential, pessimistic filmmakers?  Or will they remember why they, as Americans, have resonated especially with this can-do filmmaker who loves stories of adventure and hope?