HEAVEN (AP) - After millennia of research and arguably the most expensive scientific experiment of all time involving thousands of angels and celestial beings, God announced this morning that he believes he has discovered the elusive “Physicist Particle,” the final human particle to be discovered according to the Standard Model of human creation. While other human types have already been created and sent to populate the earth, the Physicist Particle proved the most difficult of all human particles to produce. Trillions of humans were smashed together at extremely high velocities in the Large Human Collider (LHC) in the hope that examining the remains might reveal the secret of the Physicist Particle.
Known to scientists as the Higgs Bozo — because the Standard Model places the Physicist in the clown class of humans, and because Archangel Higgs was among the first to theorize its existence (although Archangels Michael and Gabriel told this reporter the idea was theirs first, and they’ve never heard of an Archangel Higgs anyway) — the particle came to be known as the “Physicist Particle” because of a book by Leon Seraphim, entitled “The Physicist Particle: If Humans Are the Answer, What the Hell Were We Thinking?” The Almighty Himself was not fond of the book, but the name stuck. God even staged a renaming competition and the leading competitor was “The Coke Bottle Bozo,” because it was believed the Physicist Particle would wear extremely thick glasses.
Like all human particles, the Higgs Bozo has certain qualities that can be determined through their interactions with other particles and fields. God and celestial scientists at Moses University are already observing the effects of the Physicist Particle on Earth. They believe the Field of Physics (of which the Bozo is a quantum) gives other human particles gas. They also find that the Physicist Particle is Strange, possesses no spin, and has no Color, because it rarely sees the light of the sun, preferring to remain in the lab for extraordinary lengths of time. The particle is also far more averse to coupling than other subatomic particles, especially with femions, and most likely to couple with other Higgs Bozos for trips to Dunkin Donuts or to watch the latest comic book movie.
“This is a very exciting moment,” said God. “Now humans will be able to study the origins of the universe and the basic structure of matter and energy — and they’ll have many more Bozos to choose from for their children’s parties.”