To the Most Esteemed Senator Upufasa,
Thank you sincerely for sending your regular Upufasa Updates. I enjoy watching them on my HoloTable and keeping abreast of your work in the Galactic Senate. Life as a moisture farmer is not exactly a thrill a minute, so it helps when I take my mind off Tatooine and remember this is a vast galaxy we inhabit.
I must express my concern, however, at the Lightsaber Control Act you recently introduced. Life here on the Mesric Plateau may not be exciting, but we face our fair share of dangers. It’s not always practical to carry a blaster pistol, and when I take the kids to Mos Eisley, bringing my old lightsaber gives me the confidence that I can defend them if necessary. I may be retired from my days as a Jedi knight, but I still know how to handle my lightsaber safely and responsibly. And when my moisture farm was attacked by Tusken raiders a few years ago, if I hadn’t had the lightsaber on me, I would’ve been Bantha fodder.
There’s good reason the Rights Charter of the Republic preserves our right to keep and bear lightsabers. Please reconsider your bill. The Force be with you,
Dear Mr Farseer,
Thank you for your letter. It’s always a pleasure to hear from my constituents back on Tatooine. You might not know this, but recently I introduced a bill to place substantial limitations on the possession, sales and transportation of lightsabers. I’m sure you agree with me that it’s important to get these dangerous weapons out of the hands of criminals — for the sake of our children. We all remember the Jedi Temple massacre. I’m attaching an autographed image of me posing with the parents of the victims at the Jedi Temple, the night before I introduced the bill to the Galactic Senate. These parents deserve a vote on my measure. See how sad they look? That was before I told them I planned to introduce the bill.
The support of constituents like you, through your votes and through your donations, empowers me to continue this important fight. Would you please consider making a donation to the Upufasa Reelection Fund today?
The Most Esteemed Galactic Senator Horifa Upufasa
Dear Senator Upufasa,
All right, did you even read my note? The last thing I need is an autographed photo of you turning the parents of mass-murdered children into political props. What I need, what I want, is for you to keep your micro-managing hands off my lightsaber, so that I can protect my own children from the same fate.
I remember you well before you were a Senator. You won Survivor: Dagobah as the biggest schmoozer in the history of the galaxy, and then you leveraged your newfound fame into a plush position in the Galactic Senate by promising to represent “Traditional Tatooine Values.” But then you go to Coruscant and, like all the other politicos before you, you get caught up in the political fashions and the moral cesspool of the capital planet and you “evolve” in office. Surrounded by lobbyists from the Trade Federation, and now caught up in the Gang of 800 that hangs on every word from Senator Palpatine, you’ve completely forgotten to represent the values and the beliefs of the people who put you in office.
You, sir, are the Jar-Jar Binks of the Senate: famous for being famous, you have become a galactic laughing stock. And now you introduce a lightsaber control act in order to add some trendy legislation to your resume. Never mind that your own children at their ultra-posh temple are defended by Jedi knights with light sabers 24/7. Never mind that the Senators are accompanied by soldiers with blasters wherever they go. And never mind that ten times more citizens of this republic are killed every year in land speeder accidents than lightsaber and electrostaff fatalities combined. Lightsabsers are overwhelmingly employed by those who handle them professionally and responsibly.
Truth be told, ever since the Jedi Temple Massacre there’s been a rush from Coruscant lefties like yourself to take away as many lightsabers as you can get your hands on. But Anakin Skywalker was the exception, not the rule. So please, Senator Upufasa, or whoever manages his constituent correspondence services, please do me the kindness of reading my letter before you respond. The Force be with you,
Dear Mr Farseer of Moisture Farm 2.254.G7 in Sector 17, Oto Quadrant, Tatooine,
I am the assistant manager of constituent communication services for the office of the Most Esteemed Galactic Senator Horifa Upufasa. Your message was flagged for the use of a threatening tone and persistent references to weaponry. I regret to inform you that your allocated rations have been targeted for punitive reductions.
Please report the Tusken incursion to the local magistrate to pass on to the Prefectural Council at your earliest convenience. If only we had a better handle on the datastream from the outer systems, we could better deploy our resources to achieve the proper fear balance and prevent this sort of thing. But that requires you to do your duty to the Empire and be prompt in proper information sharing. While dealing with the various dangers of the fauna of the Jundland Wastes may not be high on the priority list of those of us on Coruscant, we assure you we do not mean to confiscate your lightsaber, but only to regulate it properly, track their use, and remove them from the hands of those who would do harm, even in a racist crime-ridden cesspool like Tatooine. Now that the Senator’s legislation was passed by the Galactic Senate, the only place where you cannot bring your lightsaber at all would be Coruscant — if, God-forbid, a religious nutbag like yourself ever decided to come to an enlightened place like Coruscant.
In any case, tell us more about the Tusken Raiders. Big Data holds the key to a prosperous galaxy, I am sure you will agree.
Dear Way-Too-Stinky and Senator Horrific PooPooFace,
What’s this about an Empire?! I thought this was a Republic! As Master Yoda once told me: Crazy as a Besalisk who’s drunk too much Wookie Wango, this life is. Listen, if the entire galaxy were filled with fuzzie little Ewoks, there would be no need for lightsabers. But every now and then you’ve gotta be able to defend yourself from a Krayt Dragon or a Nabooan Tuskcat. Plus, lightsabers are like aphrodisiacs for the Amidalas of the world. And maybe this whole Empire thing never would have happened if everyone in the galaxy had owned a lightsaber.
Be honest. It’s not that you hate lightsabers. It’s that you hate the people who love lightsabers. But if some Nexu finds us in a dark alleyway some day, you’ll be glad, my friend, I brought my lightsaber with me. As long as we’re not on Coruscant, where, oh yeah, I’m not allowed to come packing.
To Moisture Farmer 2.254.G7 on Planet Tatooine,
You’ve caught me. I do hate you and you backwater Tatooine folk who cling to your sabers and your Force. All you talk about is how high your Midichlorian count is, how fast your pod-racer is, the Force be with you, the Force be with you, bla bla bla. When are you going to leave your foolish superstitions behind and embrace the rationalist vision of Emperor Palpatine?
That old religion is the source of all conflicts in the galaxy. That’s why we, the technocratic central authority, have decided to build a single weapon to destroy you backwards people. We call it the Tolerance Star. Once it’s fully operational, the Empire plans to “tolerate” you and your light saber-wielding rebellion friends.
By the way, when the NLA (National Lightsaber Association) was headed up by a respectable and sensible figure like Master Yoda I could understand. But now its just sounds ridiculous and dangerous.
Tatooine will be “tolerated” thirty days hence. Enjoy the last month of your life before you’re reabsorbed back into the force or whatever the heck it is you believe.
Note: This was completed with the help of some friends. Please don’t argue the fine points; have a sense of humor.