A Prayer for Those Forced to Listen to Contemporary Christian Music in the Car

I have a feeling many of us have been there.

You know what I’m talking about.

There is simply nothing worse than getting into a car with people you think you know and trust, only to find yourself unable to escape the transportation nightmare of being forced to listen to contemporary Christian radio.

What can you do in such a treacherous situation? Nothing! I mean, you could unbuckle, open your door, and put yourself out of your vehicular misery.

Seriously, though. Your options are limited.

In the words of the great American hymn-writer Jim Croce, there are some things you just don’t do.

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape.

You don’t spit into the wind.

You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

And you don’t ask the driver to turn off K-LOVE.

Seriously, are you crazy or something? You got a death wish?

I’ve been there myself, as have so many that I know and love. There is, quite frankly, no greater enemy to a fun road trip. Not skunk roadkill. Not a blown transmission. Not a dirty restroom. Not even…and I can’t even say this without the hairs on the back of my neck standing up…not even the horror of a closed Dairy Queen.

Frankly, prayer is the only place you can turn in such a situation. Unfortunately, having pored over the prayer books of every major Christian denomination, I have yet to find a related prayer for such a sad and desperate individual. So I’ve taken it upon myself to write something up. If you find yourself in such a situation, being pulled down the asphalt by an entranced driver whose eyes are probably closed and whose palms are likely pointed heavenward instead of at 10 & 2, breathing in the toxic exhaust of mainstream Nashville rejects, here is a model for your humble petition.

O merciful God, who hast taught us in thy holy Word that thou dost not willingly afflict or grieve the descendants of humanity, look with pity upon thy servant N. as he/she is being held captive against his/her will, having unknowingly entered a vehicle in which jesusy commercial radio would be inflicted upon all riders.

Almighty God, whose presence we find wherever we go, surround N. with your loving care. Deliver him/her from the dark freeway of the soul. In thy mercy, grant him/her relentless sleep, miraculous unconsciousness, or at least dissociative repose for the duration of this auditory injustice. Protect his/her mind, body, soul, and tympanic membrane from every danger and evil. Keep his/her hands from committing violent acts upon the persons or property inside his/her vehicular prison. Put far from him/her every root of bitterness against them who know not the pain they inflict upon their supposed friends, family, and co-workers. Grant these transgressors true and earnest repentance, and may they live in peace with thy good creation, and nevermore conspire with the evil one and the worship industry to overstep the bounds of what is lovely, pure, artistic, and just basically not unlistenable crap.

If such repentance is withheld, Lord, in thy merciful provision, deliver an alternate means of transportation for N., or at least the strength to walk home, from this time forth, and for ever. Amen.

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