Why Am I Still Homeschooling

Why Am I Still Homeschooling May 5, 2016

imageI am trying desperately to properly wrap up my school year and not just putter to the almost impossible to avoid siren call of just abruptly and pathetically stopping because oh-my-word-it’s-been-such-a-long-year-and-how-can-we-possibly-carry-on-even-one-day-longer. I jest. It’s been a pretty good year. But I’m beat–genuinely and completely beat. It feels like I’ve been homeschooling my whole life, even though I think it’s only something like seven years. And I only have about twelve to go, which, when you consider eternity, is probably not that long.

I am not a natural homeschooler. I haven’t taken to it like a child at a drive up donut window. I have struggled mightily over the years to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, and join that together with what I can actually do, conjoined angstily with what each child particularly needs. I’ve learned a tiny (and by tiny I mean YUGE) bit about my own limitations and the vast sea of failure that awaits my every morning cup of tea. I have failed, so much, and second guessed every anxiety laden decision.

When people come and tell me they are thinking about homeschooling, I turn pale and grasp for something to steady myself, and begin to wave my arms wildly about how they should Very Carefully Consider, because it could be awful.

So why do it? Why are so many people doing it? Why is it growing every year? Is it because I am an over protective wackadoo conservative? Is it because I am anti State? Or elitist? I’m sure some of those labels could be flung at me. Hopefully they wouldn’t stick very long or very well.

I began to homeschool, so long ago, in an idealistic ‘Render Unto God’ kind of way. I wanted my children to be profoundly and fundamentally Christian in their thinking and sensibilities. I didn’t want to have to compete with any other authoritative force for the character and shape of their christian thinking. That was the primary reason. The darkening of the American mind seemed clearly just over the horizon, and I pursed my lips, and thought to myself, ‘ugh’, and sent in my letter of intent and bought a big box of curriculum that I never figured out very well what to do with.

Now, lo these many years later, I feel rather vindicated about my estimation of the American trajectory of thought and discernment. The state isn’t all bad, especially at the local level. But the absence of competition over the mind, and dare I say heart, of my child, has been a great benefit to me. My children know the gospel, profoundly, deeply, interestedly. They know how to reason through the scriptures, on good days anyway. They are helpful and kind and obedient, for the most part.

But more than any of that, having once begun for the quoth Pure Ideal or something, I carry on every year because I have learned to like being with my children. Struggling along at this most important and necessary enterprise has knit us together in interesting ways that I could never have imagined. To say it another way, it’s good fun, and I like it, even when all the complaining troubles have drifted into the upper echelons of the atmosphere.

Indeed, this year, for the first time, I feel like I may have properly succeeded at my task. The rhythm and order our days, the seriousness of the work, the quiet of not rushing from one thing to another, but doing the thing that is right in front of us, has finally born fruit. I have finally settled down to understand that I have to sit and be, not rush and panic. I have discovered that it is not the number of subjects and the amount of material that matters, but the thoughtful care with which each subject is considered. I have finally found a perfect spelling list. I have given in to the reality that it matters how the school room is arranged, that for want of being able to reach the map, geography is lost. I know how to teach little children to read. I can read books out loud for long hours every day without losing my voice. I can even cook lunch and feed everyone without losing my mind. But I still can’t do laundry.

All that said, I am going to be grateful and happy for a good long rest. We’ve worked pretty hard this year, and we need to laze around by the pool, and watch some dumb tv, and make our yearly pilgrimage to the Alamo, and not worry what subject we forgot today, or this year. In the whole long stretch of eternity, I’m not going to have regretted this year, nor all the failures that led up to it. Hopefully.


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