A Broken Outrage Machine, Four News Stories

A Broken Outrage Machine, Four News Stories August 30, 2016

Gosh, the Internet is keyed up this morning. Burkini Ban, that Football Player, Facebook Algorithm Bots, Huma and Weiner–everyone seems hoping mad. I have dutifully scrolled through and I’m just not feeling it.

To take them one at a time, the more I’ve tried to be interested in that Kaepernick guy (gosh he looks like a baby child) because I am dutifully patriotic and I like to do what the Internet tells me to do, the more it seems to me like everyone is on marionette strings, dancing the dance of anger that we’re all supposed to dance.

Isn’t this guy kind of a bully? If everyone ignored him and failed to notice his brave dis-patriotism, wouldn’t he just look dumb sitting there? It is sort of stupid, someone paid what is probably the entire GDP of Mali, but probably more, deciding to diss the country and culture that makes all that money possible. But he’s right, it’s not about the money, it’s about the evil police. Again, stupidly funny, his not noticing the true insane racial injustice of black babies being the majority aborted, over white and other colors. But I know, I know, abortion isn’t the same kind of evil as police brutality. That’s where we “totes agree”. It’s much much worse.

And poor Huma, finally separating from her weirdo husband. I don’t feel bad for her either. She deliberately married someone with the last name of Weiner, whose face amazingly resembles a weasel. This is not news. This is the new normal for American relationships. Did you see that new stat? Less people are having sex in NYC than ever before? And especially younger people. It’s not because everyone suddenly found God, it’s because the Internet is making everything weirder and less dependent on the presence of actual people.

Which means that the Facebook story is also not a story. No one should look at the trending section to discover the actual news. No one. Just go read some interesting news. There is no law, or should be no law, that says we all have to read the same news and the same moment. We could all just read the news that interests us each, from whatever site is most interesting. If you want to get all your news from Vox, well, I will quietly judge you but not out loud and not to your face.

What have I missed out? Oh yes, the Burkini ban. Again, I’m not feeling it. France has always been weird about religious garb. Of course they are going to try to keep this thing from being worn on the beach. Beautiful women is one of their core cultural values, just like ours is taking our political commentary from football players. The main thing, though, is to keep being angry, which ever way.

I’m glad August is almost over. In case you were wondering about the title, it’s me–I’m the Broken Outrage Machine. I can’t believe we have two more months of presidential campaigning to live through. I really think for the next eight weeks the whole western world should take a holiday from insanity. Let’s just not listen to the political candidates, nor celebrity weirdos, nor our own memes. Can you believe it, I spent ten minutes last night just scrolling through memes, and then another ten minutes watching those little food video things that just pop up and you don’t even have to push play–four ways to do fettuccini, and I don’t even eat pasta.

Check back tomorrow for more interesting news commentary! Cough.


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