Book Review: People Pleasing, Miss Perfection, and Following God

To join the discussion about A Confident Heart, or to order a copy, go here BC AConfidentHeart 1

There’s an old story about Abraham Lincoln and his horse. It seems that the president was trying to get on his horse, but the horse started hopping around and got his back hoof hung in the stirrup. Lincoln stopped, looked at the horse, and said, “If you want to get on, I’ll get off.”

I think that God sometimes says something similar to us. Women, in particular, are afflicted with the Miss Perfection syndrome. I think it comes from our strivings to be good girls. We share an all-too-human craving for approval and validation from the people around us. For women, this is intensified by our intuitive understanding of others.

Make no mistake about it, women are better at people skills than men. When it comes to human interaction, we have a whole other level of intelligence that is just not there in most men. This intelligence can cripple rather than empower if we turn it on ourselves in the guise of people-pleasing.

The truth is, if we are trying to please others 24/7, then we aren’t in sync with the God Who made us. We aren’t doing what He made us to do. Read the Scriptures through from “In the beginning” to “Come Lord Jesus.” You will not find admonitions to make people pleasing a life’s goal in there anywhere.

On the contrary. We are a exhorted to please God, even if it displeases other people.

That’s a tough order for most of us with double x chromosomes, wired as we are with antennae that respond to the slightest change in the emotional weather of those around us.

Renee Swope wrote a book from her heart to other women when she wrote A Confident Heart. The subtitle, How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God’s Promises, says it all.

Mrs Swope talks directly to women with this book. She frames her message by sharing the life lessons she has learned, first from growing up in a broken home with a distant father, and then walking the high-wire act of care-giver, mom, writer, ministry leader.

The truth is, the average American woman’s life is an insanity-making brew of conflicting demands based on conflicting roles. Most women work almost non-stop at their various jobs, and most women feel that they are failing at least a little bit at each of those jobs. We live, as Henry David Thoreau said, “lives of quiet desperation.”

We drive ourselves to get it all right, at least on the outside, and often end up neglecting the inside of our lives and the lives of those around us. Miss Perfection doesn’t have time to follow God because she is too busy trying to prove something that can’t be proven to people who really don’t care all that much, anyway.

We are not the sum of our successes with our failures subtracted to give us a net worth. We are children of the Living God, and He loves us, just exactly as we are.

People pleasing is a poison that drives us to drink deep of the unhealthy brew of perfectionism and pretense. God pleasing is simply being who we are.

People pleasing perfectionism is all about lying on the outside, hiding the flaws that make us human and hoping that no one ever finds out. It is about self-isolating fear and fraudulent living under the whip of our own demands. God pleasing is a matter of letting go and simply knowing … accepting … that He is God. God pleasing is as simple as saying yes in a long sigh of relief.

We don’t have to do anything for God to love us. No matter what we accomplish, He will not love us any more. No matter how often we fail, He will not love us any less.

Unconditional love is the answer to people pleasing, and the only place we will ever find it is at the foot of the cross.

Mrs Swopes takes her women readers through a discussion of the gifts of the spirit and how they apply to their own lives. That is the one place where I part company with her in this book. Catholics and Protestants both encourage people to spend time looking for what God wants of us. Catholics call it discernment, Protestants call it seeking God’s will.

I think — and I realize that I am almost alone in this — that all we have to do is just follow. Follow Christ. Obey the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes and trust Him. You don’t need to chase yourself around, looking for God’s plan for your life. It has been my experience that if God wants you to do something, you won’t be able to get out of it.

It is a mark of how much this book got to me that I say that. I got engaged with it, and found myself in quite a few of the things that Mrs Swopes wrote. I did this to the point that I found myself dialoging with the author — and now the people reading this blog — in my head.

A Confident Heart is designed to be used either in personal reading or in small group settings. It comes with a dvd to help the study group setting.

If you are a woman who is struggling to find spiritual balance in your life (which of us isn’t?) then A Confident Heart is a good place to find some answers.

I’m going to offer a free giveaway of this book to three of Public Catholic’s women readers. It will be very simple. The first three women commenters who ask for it, will receive a free copy.

 

  • hamiltonr

    A Facebook commenter has won the first copy!

  • Kerrie Rivard

    I would love a copy! Thanks for the review! It sounds so needed in our culture!

    • hamiltonr

      You got it! Thanks.

      • Kerrie Rivard

        Awesome! I’m thrilled- thank you! What do I need to do?

        • hamiltonr

          Write your address in a comment. I won’t allow it to be posted, but will make sure you get your book. (Be sure to put your name.)

  • Ssouth

    I’d love a copy! Confidence in my path is something I struggle with.

    • hamiltonr

      You’re the third request, so it’s yours. The giveaways are now closed.

  • SisterCynthia

    Sounds like a good book. And I think I would agree with you that when God truly WANTS you to do something specific (beyond living according to His principals), you WILL find all paths, even ones you think, like Jonah, will safely take you FAR, FAR away! channel you back to what He has called you to. In my own limited experience, it’s actually more unnerving when He ISN’T clearly directing you, for then you’re left to figure out what He would have you do where you are, and to wrestle with your own wants/desires/skills/selfishness/etc., and how those bits intersect with the world. I suppose it comes back to the paradoxical human nature, where we want to be told what to do–yet often will balk when He does tell us. I am so glad He is God and I am not–I don’t have patience enough for me, let alone billions of others! ;)

  • Dee

    Well, since all the giveaways are taken, I’m going to buy a copy. It sounds like something I need to read. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

  • disqus_NAVsMmJ24g

    I just finished reading Teresa Tomeo’s book about this topic “God’s Bucket List” http://j.mp/TTgblAZ . Tomeo, the EWTN host, wrote that we try to come up with a “Bucket List” of really cool stuff to do but do we ever stop to think about what God wants us to accomplish? It is a good question. God’s plans always lead to more fulfillment. I think in the process of discerning what God wants, we need to give up the false promises of the world and take the time to be quiet and ask God what would please Him the most. I have found this to be very hard, as I want to do what I want to do. It is easy to say “Follow Christ” but not so easy to do. I guess that is what prayer and the sacraments are for, to give us the strength to do what we know we should.


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