Finally Tackling Tom Brady’s Balls

Finally Tackling Tom Brady’s Balls January 26, 2015

**This post was approved by my 15 year old son. You’ve been warned**

 

Like all well brought up Texas girls, my love of football is second only to my love of God. Now I will freely admit that I had my panties in a twist after America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys, were robbed of victory by a bad call. Anyone with eyes could plainly see that he had caught that ball, but I supposed eye-sight isn’t required to be a referee for the National Football League. I decided then and there that I was done with the NFL, and it would be college football from here on out.

I stuck to my guns all through the play-off games. My mama cried when I told her I’d given up the game. I assured her that I was still the girl she’d raised, but she didn’t see how she could show her face in public again now that I’d sworn off the game.

Well Mama has nothing to worry about, because this morning I caught a whiff of Tom Brady’s balls…the scandal that is…

At first I thought that the Indianapolis Colts were just being whiny babies when they started complaining about the irregularity of the Patriots’ balls. After all, these men are professionals. They have balls in their hands all the time. Sure, they can get lumpy and a little out of shape, but then you just have to change your grip. That’s the way the game is played.

But then I read this from Colts Quarterback Andrew Luck, and I thought that this might be  something juicy after all. He said, “You know that moment when you’re deep in the pocket with a ball in your hand? You know how that bad boy is supposed to feel. The Patriots’ balls just didn’t have that firmness that I’m used to. Now it was a cold day and you have to expect a little shrinkage, the cold does that to anyone’s balls, but this was more than the usual response to frigid weather. I hate to say it, but Tom Brady’s balls are just saggy.”

By Jeffrey Beall (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

It seems that Mr Luck wasn’t the only Colt who didn’t like the feel of Mr Brady’s balls. They did a thorough self-examination, and then did the sensible thing and sought out a second opinion.

While the NFL refs might have been blind when my Cowboys were involved, it turns out that no one knows more about how a ball should feel than then men in black and white! They grabbed hold of New England’s ball sack and gave those balls a good squeeze. Turns out that the Colts were onto something. Eleven out of twelve of them were sadly lacking.

At this point, I had to take this whole thing into my own hands. I had to get the down-low from Mr Brady myself. I’m not at all surprised that he denies knowing that his balls were saggy and undersized. He continues to insist that there was nothing wrong with his equipment. “I’ve been under a lot of centers,” he said, “and I’ve had my hands on a lot of balls. After a while, you get a feel for them. You can’t just play with  balls and not give them a good squeeze from time to time, you know? They felt pretty firm to me. I don’t care what Luck says. I’m telling you that hundreds of people handle my balls every year, and some of those guys like to play pretty rough. It doesn’t matter how hard they’re handled. My balls can take a licking!”

By Jeffrey Beall (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

It was at this point that Mrs Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen, snorted and rolled her eyes. She declined to comment though,  saying only “I have nothing to say about husband’s balls. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m never going there ever again.”

I’m not sure what to make of that, but it seems that the Seahawks might have an idea about what’s been going down. They released a statement today saying “We don’t want anything to do with Tom Brady’s balls. We’ll see him and his boys at the Super Bowl, and we’ll give it to ’em good, but the only balls we play with are our own!”

“Seahawks players 2014 preseason” by Mike Morris – Flickr. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Seahawks_players_2014_preseason.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Seahawks_players_2014_preseason.jpg

 

Suddenly I can’t wait for the Super Bowl!


Browse Our Archives