Corky and Jesus, A “How-to” Guide on Forcing Jesus’ Will Against the Mentally Challenged

A book titled “Helping the Retarded to Know God” is available for a bargain price on Amazon!

In today’s market, there is certainly no shortage of self-help books. In a small corner of your local bookstore, you can learn to do everything from meditating, to fly fishing, to building a space shuttle out of six aluminum cans, some cat saliva, and a pair of fuzzy dice. For the “do-it-yourself-er” on the go, you can even buy such books online.

It truly is a wondrous age in which to be alive, is it not? In these exciting and enlightening times, there is even help for those who need to make the concept of God acceptable to those of diminished capacity. I know you’re thinking that a breakthrough the likes of this must be decades from becoming reality, but no! Friends, I am here to tell you that this marvelous invention is available, here and now, and it is just waiting for you to snap it up. At the time of this writing, the final copy of “Helping the Retarded to Know God” was available on Amazon for the unbelievably low price of $290…used. New? Well, how could you possibly even try to put a price on something like that?

The book explaining how to help them get over being called “retarded” is, of course, sold separately, and is a whole new topic. Before you lament the price you need to pay to bring salvation to someone without the faculties required to tell you to piss off, realize, at least, that the road ahead is a fairly easy one. You really won’t need to dumb down any of the information. Since science is infinitely more complicated than God you’ve already taken a step in the right direction by choosing the path of absolutely no resistance whatsoever. There’s no need to wade through thousands of hours’ worth of peer-reviewed research on the origins and workings of the universe, when you can just tell your perfectly-created (God doesn’t make mistakes, you know…) little pupil that everything in the entire universe appeared, and is orchestrated, by magic wielded by an invisible sorcerer…who loves him…and whom he must please unless he wishes to be tortured forever and ever, amen. Luckily for you, your audience is well and truly captive. He hasn’t the ability to question you even if he wished to, so it really is a win/win for you from the starting line. Bravo and well-played, you. Now that we’ve had some fun, let’s get serious.

I will never understand why no religious person seems to ever question the fact that this god concept of his must be drilled into the minds of children while their brains are new and/or squishy enough to accept it. (We can include mentally-challenged adults in this category, as well.) No idea worth considering should have to be forced upon anyone who is unable to oppose it. It seems, to me anyway, that anything rational and logical can wait to be introduced to, and would be accepted by, a fully-developed adult mind. If not, then perhaps such concepts are not as rational and logical as you might think. I realize that there are other ideas and morals that we instill upon children about which I have no complaints. I agree that moral standards which benefit the whole of society should be introduced early and often, however, the ideas that one should not lie, cheat, steal, or otherwise cause harm do not require indoctrination. Simple empathy takes care of that, and children can learn this if they have parents who are empathetic. It is not difficult, when a child asks why he should not hurt others, to say, “Because you would feel bad if it were done to you.” No deity needs to be involved.

In the case of believing you are saving children and the mentally-challenged from eternal torment, I would ask why a just deity would create beings incapable of understanding him just to punish them for not understanding him. Surely, an exception would be made for those who have not reached the age of ( or mental capacity to) reason, right? Even we humans do not punish criminals who are not capable of distinguishing right from wrong to the same extent that we punish those who are….with a few exceptions. (Looking at you, Texas.) Is it such a stretch to imagine that a perfect being should be willing to make the same concession? Is it really all that preposterous to expect the same amount of understanding from a being who is supposed to be better than we are in every possible way? If you cannot concede that your god can and should be held, at the very least, to human standards of morality, how can you expect me to even remotely consider it worth my adoration?

If a person condemns another for actions he committed while incapable of knowing better, I consider that person to be greatly flawed. It would take a gigantic leap away from my sense of common decency to consider a being that does precisely that infallible. Worshiping it would be out of the question altogether. Before I go, I would like to leave you with one final thought: In order to accept things such as magic and fairy tales, it helps tremendously if your brain is not muddied with much in the first place. It is far easier to accept that these things are real if you either have no, or are not capable of having any, understanding of things like physics, genetics, biology, chemistry, etc. That being said, I would suggest that the book “Helping the Retarded to Know God” is not even remotely necessary.

What you need is a book entitled “How to Make Normal People Retarded.” That would undoubtedly be more useful for bringing more sheep into the flock of religious servitude, don’t ya think? Put a helmet on every head, a Bible in every hand, and call it a good day.

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