The Apocalypse Will Cure Us Dead

Your almost-on-time Weekly Apocalypse, in eight points:The midterm election cured the press of the reporting-on-ebola epidemic. A not-so-recent social science study went out of date again. An Italian karaoke-singing nun, after winning the derivative Italian version of The Voice, signed a record deal with Universal and released a debut where she performs covers songs, bringing an official and much anticipated end to the credibility of the popular music industry. A Catholic online p … [Read more...]

Left Behind After the End that Never Began

Your mostly faithful Weekly Apocalypse, in nine points:People terrified by an Ebola outbreak in the United States also seem to object to universal healthcare. Postmodernist, libertarian, and know-nothing consumerist anti-vaxers unite in relativistic denial of herd immunity, temporarily disproving the theory of natural selection. Every journalist in the entire world seems to have forgotten about the Islamic Golden Age. George Weigel reads Evangelical Catholicism and Evangelii Gaudium with go … [Read more...]

The Apocalypse Will Make Sense, When It Ends

Your punctually tardy weekly apocalypse in eight points:1. Pope Francis has decided to stop giving interviews and instead plans begin to taking them. Whoopi Goldberg, from The View, is reportedly atop his short list.2. Arizona Republican congressional candidate, Adam Kwasman, mistook a bus of YMCA campers for immigrant children and Tweeted his displeasure to the relief of late night comedy writers everywhere.3. President Obama, who holds the all-time record for immigrant deportations with … [Read more...]

The End of the World Starts at the Beginning

Your never delayed, but always on time, weekly apocalypse, in eight points:1. The latest discovery of Jesus's wife has overshadowed the much more serious and credible discovery of the city of Atlantis, unreported by the always-biased media, where a scroll is said to exist proving definitively that Jesus also had a husband along with several pets, among them a camel who had a phobia of passing through small, tight entrances.2. The University of Notre Dame will honor Kevin Miller, a biologist … [Read more...]

The Apocalypse Will Flood Your Mind

Your flaky, but always weekly, apocalypse, in seven points: 1. A century after Nietzsche stole the words "Gott ist tot" from Hegel in The Gay Science, the razor sharp wit and ambitious artistic vision of the US Christian imagination has made a definitive rejoinder in the form of the motion picture God's Not Dead. The film is reminiscent of  that classic television series, "Touched by an Angel," and promises to have similar cultural effects. 2. Stephen Colbert has decided to change his satirical n … [Read more...]

The Apocalypse Returns With Feathers

Your flaky weekly apocalypse, in ten points. 1. The War on Christmas is in full swing again and sales are going well. It is expected to end on Christmas, if not a few days earlier. 2. Happy New Years! 3. Francis is declared to be the first gay, atheist, and only the third communist pope, by dozens of Catholics on Facebook. 4. Bill Clinton is reported to have auditioned for the role of Nelson Mandela in the forthcoming film, citing Toni Morrison. 5. Pat Robertson is suing Phil Roberson for using … [Read more...]

The Apocalyptic Wheels Go Round and Round

 Your weekly apocalypse, in nine points:1. The US House of Representatives voted 400-1 to allow religious services at the numerous worldwide locations of the American military industrial complex.2. No one knows who voted against the bill, but rumor has it that it was an observant Quaker who lacks a sense of absurdity.3. Alabama (4-0) beats Georgia State (0-4) 45-3 with their training staff.4. Pope Francis is set to interview himself next week, on psychoanalysis, confession, and … [Read more...]

The End of the World Strikes at Dawn

 The weekly apocalypse, in fourteen points: 1. World War III was almost at a rolling boil, and children smelled salty aromas of blood in the streets, as Obama poised himself to lead the free world into another mighty struggle against something, but Miley Cyrus licked cold steel and roused Vladimir Putin from his Russian cave. 2. Reporters tell us that Putin mounted his grizzly boar, foaming and farting, and rode through the night to his manly and very heterosexual ghost writer's home in … [Read more...]

A Most Uneventful Apocalypse

THE APOCALYPSE, IN FIFTEEN POINTS:1. Tim Tebow has been released from the New England Patriots football team while their star tight-end, Aaron Hernadez, writes $18,000 letters from his prison cell. Not exactly Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela, but encouraging news nonetheless that the literary genre survives.2. Michael Voris is not impressed, again. "This is outrageous," says Voris, "NFL players are severely overpaid; how am I the only one who sees this?" He went on, saying, "Hernandez' l … [Read more...]