My body remembers

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: Rape and Abuse]As many of you know, in highschool I spent a year in an abusive relationship. Some of my memories of my abuse are vague and foggy. But then other memories I remember well. The ones I remember the most clearly are the ones I remember not only in my mind, but in the rest of my body as well.As I think about my connection with my body, and I think about my commitment to reconnect with and love my body for Lent, I also have to think of the ways my body has been … [Read more...]

Let me be angry.

Trigger Warning for abuse and rape: I've been tired of fighting. Been feeling like nothing is coming through. Been terrified of being dismissed as an angry feminist. But being too filled with words--bursting at the seams with them. All the words I've held back because of fear and good ol' Christian niceties.All those words can't be contained anymore.Because things are wrong.Things are unfair.People are hurting.How can you just stand there?And there I go again. I guess I am just an … [Read more...]

No one’s Messiah

To Christian men and the churches they attend:I am not your Christ.Churches may try to put women on a cross, sacrificing them so that men may be pure and holy.But I am not your savior.Churches may expect women to keep silent, to hide their talents, their bodies, to sacrifice who they are to protect men from sin and shame.But I am coming down off of that cross.Churches may ask women to endure abuse for a season--like Christ endured crucifixion--so that abusive men might be saved.But … [Read more...]

Some humans are more equal than others: John Piper on spousal abuse and submission

I'm doing a series on complementarianism's manipulative claims at promoting equality. You can read the intro here. The first entry, on Joshua Harris, can be found here.When I first left the tiny bubble of the Independent Fundamental Baptist Church and stepped into the larger (but still restrictive) bubble of conservative evangelicalism, I learned that I was supposed to love John Piper.However, even though I was still a (fairly rebellious) conservative at the time, John Piper's view of women … [Read more...]

John Shore on IFB survivors and my journey toward healing

This piece at John Shore's blog just awakened all kinds of emotions for me: In surviving the worst survivors of IFB have become the best. The writings that I’ve read from former IFBs are some of the strongest testimonies to the strength and decency of the human spirit that I’ve ever come across. I appreciate being asked to offer you guys a word of support, but you should be offering support to me and anyone else lucky enough to hear what you have to say. You’re the power. You’re the strength. It’ … [Read more...]

No Experience Necessary?

If you wanted an expert opinion on something, usually you'd ask someone with experience on the subject. If you wanted parenting advice, you'd probably ask someone who was a parent, not someone who babysat their siblings a few times. If you wanted to know what sky-diving was like, you'd probably ask someone who'd been skydiving, not someone who'd watched a video of someone skydiving on YouTube.It just makes sense. Experience gives you an insight into a subject that books and Google cannot … [Read more...]

Relevant Magazine, Hugo Schwyzer, and a thing called grace

Trigger warnings for rape, abuse, stalkingI believe in a thing called grace.Really, I do. I believe people can change, and when people change, I believe in giving those people a second chance. But here's the thing.Life's complicated.Because, sometimes, showing "grace" to one person means denying grace from another.Here's an example: You have a child molester who has raped and abused young children. This child molester meets Jesus. Jesus changes said child molester.Great!But what if … [Read more...]

Never going back

Trigger Warning for AbuseI used to be in an abusive relationship.Once, I broke up with him, and he threatened to kill me for it.I was in his car, and I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He decided that if I wouldn't be with him, I  couldn't be with anyone. So he gave me the choice:Change my mind and stay with him, or he would crash the car into a telephone pole.I forced him to take me home that day by threatening him with a crowbar I found on the floor of his car. But … [Read more...]

When I can

People assume that healing from abuse is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.Doctor Who quotes aside, I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "It's been years. Why don't you just let it go?"I can't always get a hold of it, for one. Pain is like a greased pig--I can't even get a grip on it in the first place most of the time, much less "let it go." It's not … [Read more...]

Thoughts and feelings

The following is an exchange between Sarah the Thinker and Sarah the Feeler. Feeler parts are in parenthesis because I often attempt to skip over them as though they don't matter as much. (But they do)I haven't seen much of my abusive ex-boyfriend since we broke up. He didn't stalk me or beg me to come back to him. He got over me faster than I got over him and he moved on and forgot I existed. So I shouldn't be afraid of him.(But I am)I saw him for the first time since the big breakup … [Read more...]


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