Thursday Throwback: sRANTa Claus

It’s posts like the following, written a few years ago, that make me realize that I really have mellowed out quite a bit in the last few years.  Enjoy it if you can!  Sheesh.

I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee

People who let their children believe in Santa are setting them up for a jaded, psychoanalyst-ridden adulthood of mistrust and paranoia.

People who don’t let their kids believe in Santa are depriving the little ones of their God-given right to the wonder of an innocent childhood.

People who get their kids tons of presents are materialistic swine who are hoping to disguise their guilt over neglecting their children the other 364 days of the year.

People who get their kids only a few presents are disguising the scars of their own deprived childhoods with a holier-than-thou wrapping more falsely tinselly than any Walmart holiday display.

Why aren’t you doing an advent wreath, an advent chain, an advent calendar, a chocolate advent calendar, St. Nicholas shoes, a Mary candle with removable baby Jesus hidden behind a satin veil which covers an alcove you dug into the candle (blue, of course), which you will remove on Christmas morning, not that anyone will notice?, and a Jesse tree? And a Christmas tree?

You should get this together on Christmas eve. Any sooner, and you will be of the world, not in the world, because it’s only still Advent, you premature-holly-hanging pushover! Go ahead, listen to secularist sirens, do what they do, and see what happens to your children, your marriage, and your eternal soul!

There. I just saved you a lot of time, and you can now skip everyone else’s blog until Epiphany or so, and concentrate on mine. And while I’m stinging you along, here’s one more pearl of wisdom:

This

is an abomination.  And not the fun kind, either.

If you grew up with Rudolph and his moth-eaten, hot glue friends, it’s okay: you’re all grown up now, and you can put it behind you. You don’t have to watch it, you don’t have to think about it or acknowledge that it was ever part of your life, and you don’t have to –you must not– introduce your children to it.

What, just because you have fond memories, that means it’s worth something? Wrongo! It’s the lousiest thing ever made. It’s the most destructive, corrosive cultural product of the the 60′s. It’s the most shameful thing about America ever. It’s worse than slavery and war. It’s worse than Scooby Doo. It frightens Satan. Do you hear me?

And no, Burl Ives is not a mitigating factor.

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  • http://kassian1.wordpress.com Pentimento

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a million years or so. Thank you!

  • Tiffany

    Ha!! Love the tag!

    When did you write this? I hate to think of the pressure you – and apparently other moms – must have felt to live up to all those crazy ideals – - even if you could acknowledge they were crazy! Bleh. I’m getting better at not putting so much pressure on myself, but even that’s tough sometimes.

    • Jeni

      ah good call on the tag. FUNNY.

  • Charity

    You made me second-guess myself … I thought it was Friday, and I had a momentary panic wondering what I forgot to do yesterday when I thought it was Thursday.

    • Elizabeth

      It is Friday, isn’t it?

  • Elizabeth

    whoops! just saw the tag. wow…i just had a lot of second-guessing too in the last 2 minutes.

  • Bob

    Happy birthday! Ha!

    • http://amomforlife-theunconventionalfamily.blogspot.com/ Kelly

      oooh you stole my idea! lol

  • Mary Beth (Full Spectrum Mom)

    I wish I had read it when it first came out. Twenty-six years of parenting-I still have not made the Jesse tree. I still have the same kit I bought about 15 years ago.

    But we do not still go to the in-laws on Christmas morn, and to this I attribute the fact that we are still Catholic and still believe in Santa Claus.

    Peace out.

    • Katharine

      I have all the ornaments for a Jesse tree from a ornament making co-op 3 years ago and have not made/bought the tree part or ever set them up. :-)

  • Cathy J

    That was TOTALLY WICKED!!!! (In a New England, really really really good way, in case someone doesn’t figure that out.)

  • Cathy J

    Sorry, I meant WICKED AWSOME!!!

  • Cathy J

    AWESOME! (I’ll get it right eventually.)

  • http://thechurchfanatic.blogspot.com LLMom

    I have mellowed out a bit too. I just wrote a piece on my blog about how I have done this.

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    You rant SO much better than I- here it is-

    http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com/2010/12/christmasy-pet-peeves-7-quick-takes.html

    I am also a deny-of-Rudolph’s-existence-even-while-enjoying-the-stop-motion-animation person.

    I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

    :)

  • http://mostgladly.net Jamie

    This post made me laugh until I cried. That is all.

  • Karen

    I adore this post. The line “It frightens Satan,” is something I’m going to have to steal and tuck away in my brain and use in the near future.

    I also hate Rudolph. And Frosty. I have deleted all Christmasy specials from our DVR.

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com Cari

    Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.

    How I want to show this to dear friends of mine who are of the “Bishop Wester” camp of strict Advent observation.

    This is not motivated by charitable thoughts, however, so I’m going to have to overcome my baser instincts.

  • Maggie Dee

    Thank you! Yay for lightening up! I mean c’mon, Jesus’ first miracle was at a wedding PARTY, turning water into wine. We are celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour, who loved us so much He became man! I mean how awesome is that? Birthday parties are supposed to be fun!! When was the last time any of us went to a birthday party with a bunch of somber faced people? You know, “Joy to the World” and all that.

    I guess if people want to celebrate by being forever sorry for their sinful state that’s their business. But I for one just want to be thankful that we are THAT LOVED.

    • http://amomforlife-theunconventionalfamily.blogspot.com/ Kelly

      excellent point!

  • http://www.ricketyclick.com/blog DJMoore

    I grew up in the sixties, and I am proud that I watched this fetid pile of reindeer scat once, at its first broadcast with the rest of my family on our b&w TV, and never wanted to see it again. I’ve never understood its appeal, why it lasted so long as to become a, gag, tradition.

    That goes for you too, Frosty.

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    Come on, give fake-reindeer-Rudolph some love!

  • barboo77

    You totally had me…until you besmirched Rudolph. I LOVE that Rudolph: “I want to be a dentist!” ; “Bumbles bounce.” ; Yukon Cornelious, Herbie, Charlie-in-the-Box, Clarice, all of them.

    But I forgive you and still love you anyway.

  • Sue

    “It frightens Satan.” LOVE it.

    And I will always, always LOVE Rudolph — the most famous reindeer of all.

  • http://sleepingugly.blogspot.com Another Julie

    Glorious rant. You could give lessons.

  • Jennifer

    You forgot about the St. Lucy Day festivities – never mind that you may not be Swedish and don’t want a child walking around your house with lighted candles on her head!

    Why is celebrating the birth of our Lord and believing in Santa Claus mutually exclusive?

    Good post!

  • http://halfadozenproductions.blogspot.com/ Maurisa

    I can’t decide if you are being a kill joy or just trying to save us from ourselves. LOL! Very funny post :)

  • http://fineoldfamly.blogspot.com Sally Thomas

    I have the instructions for the Jesse Tree in my purse, still folded up. I won’t say from which year.

  • Harvey

    I love Rudolph – and his claymation. The fact that he has a light bulb on his nose, and he sounds like he has a stuffed nose cracks me up. I also love the abominable snowman. I thought “abominable” meant rambling and large or had something to do with lack of speech (like bumbling) for the longest time (like, maybe until I studied vocab for the GRE).

    My kids will definitely watch it every year – and maybe in July too!

  • Sarah

    This post made my day!

  • Mary Alisa

    I laughed out loud at “It frightens Satan.” Thanks for that entertainment.

  • http://beatencopperlamp.blogspot.com Sarah

    This is amazing! Thank you for spelling out what I wanted to say to an english teacher in my high school who scolded his class for any pre-Christmas festivity that was not “liturgically correct.”

    But I still love Rudolph. The other Rankin-Bass cartoons are depressing and/or creepy, though. Case in point: the Little Drummer Boy.

  • http://www.huckabeehuckabyehuckleberryfinn.blogspot.com K.

    Oh my goodness, I laughed SO HARD when I read the Rudolph point. I thought I was the only one in the world who hated the abomination that is the Rudolph stop-motion movie. Just mentioned this post on my blog. Thanks for the laugh!!

  • whimsy

    I don’t mind Rudolph so much. It’s to movies what Velveeta is to cheese. It’s a “Pasteurized Prepared Movie Product” without the velvety smoothness.

    However, the spin offs and sequels, two things my husband introduced the family to this holy season are almost unholy.

  • Peggy

    Silver and gold… Silver and gold.. :)
    What if my hubby won’t let me turn it off?? Rudolph, that is! Hahahahaha! We and our 7 kids can’t miss that! What, are you kidding??!

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