Et tu, Bowie?

Hi, I’m The Jerk.

You might remember me from that time you read one of my jokes, and you thought it was funny, but you didn’t really get it, then you found yourself telling it to your sister at your Steubenville Almnui 12-step meeting, and as you were getting to the end of the joke but after it was too late to stop telling it, it suddenly occurs to you, “Hey, I think this is a dick joke.”

It was, lass.

Thanks, Sean.

If the above does not give you newish readers pause, let me be clear: It Gets Worse. For reasons best left unstated (the drugs) Simcha allows me to post movie reviews from time to time. These reviews tend to include crude jokes. When you take offense in the com boxes, I will insult you. Got it?

When last we met, I had promised to review Laberynth. Umm, no.  Labiarynse? No. Oh, Labyrinth.

I wanted to review Highlander. Why, yes. that movies does star Sean Connery. Yes, I do have multiple photos on my hard drive  of Connery in tight clothing. What of it?

Not a bloody thing.

Now that you’re throughouly skeeved out, it is time to discuss our movie. The only known collaboration between Jim Henson, George Lucas, and David Bowie.

It comes off about as well as you’d expect.

Look, there are some major concerns we need to get out of the way.

You remember how when you were a kid and you watched The Muppet Show, occasionally they would have some performer that was totally lame.  It was hard to figure why they wanted to bore you, right?

I thought I was entertaining.

Leo Sayer, ladies and gentlemen.

The point is, Jim Henson was boring. Like visiting elderly relatives boring. He’s conversation with a Civil War buff boring. He’s even worse than late night out with an Opus Dei member boring.

The frog thinks I'm pretty cool.

And that’s why he lets you put your hand there.

George Lucas is a known quantity. He sucks.

My money doesn't suck.

No, but your fat face and crappy movies do.

I don’t need to get all angry fan boy here, but we all know what I’m talking about.

Meesa embodiment of all that is wrong with modern Hollywood.

But, you say, there are the guys who respectively came up with the brilliance of The Muppets and the original Star Wars, and first three Indiana Jones movies.

Right, making their suckitude harder to contemplate. Thing is, it was always there. Good luck, and the right collaberations, (Frank Oz for Henson, and Steven Spielberg for Lucas,) just managed to mask the poo with awesome.

The most difficult part about Labyrinth is Bowie. You can’t explain what on Earth he’s doing in it, but you know he had to be in this turkey.

Bowie was Ziggy Stardust, The Thin White Duke, he perfected plastic soul. Surely he’s better than this. What happened?

I was doing massive amounts of cocaine.

Still a better excuse than Lucas.

The movies also stars Jennifer Connelly as a young girl who magically wishes away her younger brother, then immediatley regrets having done so.

Wish away, or sell for meat? Wish away, or sell for meat? I can't make up my mind.

That fat little sucker would have netted at least $500, and she goes and gives him away for free.

That’s were Bowie steps in, playing the Goblin King named Jareth. Yes. Jareth.

His character is somewhat interesting. You’ve got this all powerful demi-god, lording over a kingdom full of deformed worshipers who he directs to ruin the life of a young girl.

Sounds like a solid plan to me.

Jareth makes the girl’s wish come true, and takes the baby back to goblin land. She can get the baby back, but she has to make it through the Labyrinth within, I dunno, 80 minutes, or else the baby stays there forever.

That sounds really hard.

She has many adventures, meets some magical friend that are not at all reminiscent of the friends Dorothy makes in the Wizard of Oz, and Bowie wears some tight, tight pants.

Check out my Major Tom.

Oh, and the movie is full of important life lessons, like “Whine enough and you’ll always get what you want.”

There is a good movie that could be made out of all of these parts, but it never happened. Everytime, they decided to go dull and then go home.

What about me? I'm interesting.

No. You’re creepy and annoying, just like the rest of this movie.

So there you have it, Labyrinth. I think I learned a very important life lesson, though. Stay away from voodo.

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  • Sherry

    And beware of spiky haired magicians who sport a FUSHIGI.

  • Barbara C.

    You forgot that Terry Gilliam from Monty Python wrote the script. For someone who is a fan of The Muppets, Star Wars (original trilogy) and Willow, The Life of Brian, and David Bowie…Labrynth is the greatest thing ever!! (And my kids actually like it, too!) Oh, and the man behind Elmo did some of the puppetry, too.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      Nope, it was Terry Jones, not Terry Gilliam. Terry Jones is like the Ronnie Wood of the Pythons.

  • Theresa

    This review didn’t include enough crude jokes. Now I’m offended.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      Ok, so Mickey Mouse is in divorce court, and the judge says “Mr. Mouse, I can’t rule in your favor. I don’t see any evidence to support your grounds for divorce.” Mickey says “What do you mean?” And the judge says “Minnie seems perfectly sane, and your petition states she’s crazy.” Mickey says “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY.”

  • Karen

    Ha, I want to write an offended response to see what you’d say, but alas, pretty much right on…. ‘cept maybe that Henson wasn’t always boring. But good overall. ;)

  • http://themoleshollow.blogspot.com Becca

    I can’t deny anything that’s said in this review, and yet Labyrinth was so embedded in my mind as a child that I can’t make myself *not* love it.

    On another note, the Jerk has mastered the use of the picture caption. This stuff puts anything I’ve seen on cracked.com to shame. I will be giggling about the Corapi one for the rest of the day.

  • Deirdre Mundy

    Yey! You’re back! Did the Rutger Hauer fan girls drag you out of your desert spider hole?

    Unfortunately, you won’t get any comments like that on THIS post, because unlike Ladyhawke fans, Labyrinth fans have a sense of humor. And yes, my kids also love the movie. AND we have the picture book, which I’ve treasured since I was a child.

    Though it really is false advertising– the Goblin King never took MY brothers away, no matter how hard I tried. It must be because I can’t pout pretty.

  • karyn

    I somehow totally missed Labyrinth as a child but when I found it on Netflix for my kids, I couldn’t believe David Bowie was in it and as a goblin king that keeps breaking out in song??? Really?

    I don’t know about Spielberg/Lucas but the first Star Wars rock.

  • turia

    My brother always thought that the line in “Magic Dance” was, “slap that baby, make him pee,” which, upon reflection, is probably better and more accurate than the original lyric.

    • Anna

      Gee, now I have to go look up the lyrics. It’s one of those things that I figured really didn’t make much sense, but, oh well, it makes as much sense as the rest of the movie (including the fact that Bowie with the pants/make-up/hair didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time).

  • Greg
  • http://lydiapurpuraria.wordpress.com lydiacubbedge

    Can The Jerk review Legend? Legend is like Labyrinth, but with Tom Cruise and Tim Curry. Truly, it is a foretaste of hell.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      No.

  • Barbara C.

    Oh, and Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher on Star Trek Next Generation) was the choreographer!! Yes, I know WAY TOO much about this movie..and I am a total nerd! :-)

  • http://bobcratchit6.wordpress.com bob cratchit

    Haha! You are right on with this, the Jerk. Except I think the song was pretty good (“get me outa here” or something?). Funny, for whatever reason i would not let my older kids watch this when they were little (somehow they watched it anyway). I’ve since allowed my younger ones to watch it and they love it. Now I can’t see why I didn’t let the older ones watch it. Next you should review “adventures of buckaroo banzai”.

  • corita

    Labyrinth would scare my children.

    And they watched The Searchers and can even get through The Neverending Story without too much angst.

    I agree with previous posters in that, when you think about it, it really is kindof a bad movie…but so lasting in the psyche..the vivid imagery…..

    Also I totally met up with my bad friend Angela Tupone to see this in the theater without my mom’s knowledge. Watching David Bowie cavort in leather pants is the first memory I have of my impending…um….grown-up-ness.

    • corita

      I was told a lot that I looked like Jennifer Connelly, too, so I think I was set up to envision myself too vividly within that movie.

  • Deirdre Mundy

    You know, it must be an age thing– I was younger when I saw this movie, so David Bowie is eternally burned in my mind as the essence of creepy and evil.

    On the other hand, I saw the Princess Bride in Jr. High and was TOTALLY in Love with Westley……

  • Deirdre Mundy

    (On video. At summer camp. where I was mocked because I didn’t have it memorized.)

  • Sarah in MI

    Glad you are back!

  • Julie

    I remember wanting to beat Jennifer Connelly in the face for so many different reasons. I was full of rage back then. And Bowie with the hair and the pants didn’t help.

  • anna lisa

    After reading this I googled “can radon make you high?” My ninth grader burst into the room, and got to see what looked like his Mom creeping on the internet with a crotchy Sean Connery picture. I actually tried to hide it and that turned out even worse. I stammered out–”Uh, oh..uh… you know that Catholic blogger I like to follow? –well her husband posted that picture on her blog. (inscrutable stare) You know… the Catholic one with the nine kids? (Sideways look at Sean Connery’s crotch) Okay, never mind.”

  • anna lisa

    Oh and I’m sad to know that you’d rather spend the evening with a couple of dudes in tight pants and makeup than at an evening of recollection. (Just defending my cassock wearing homies.)

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      David Bowie on drugs playing a Goblin King is a lot more sane and wholesome than any OD-Scietology like mind control games you wierdos play.

      • anna lisa

        So what religion are you?

  • http://twitter.com/sbrbncrrspndnt suburbancorrespondnt (@sbrbncrrspndnt)

    Wait – is this a new movie or an old one? I’ve never even heard of it, but I guess — judging from this review — that I am one of the lucky ones. How about you take on The Princess Bride? I think I’m the only one in the world who hated that stupid movie.

    • Andrea

      You’re not the only one! The Princess Bride is not okay. I thought I was the only one!

  • Tammy

    I’m incredibly offended there weren’t even more pics of Sean in tight clothing.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      I do what I can.

  • anna lisa

    I’m offended that Ryan Gosling was passed over. What, is this geriatric sex symbol day?

  • Deirdre Mundy

    Wait, what skeeves some of you out about the Princess Bride? Sure, the book is more hilarious, but it’s a fun homage to Erol Flynn! Also, if you don’t like it, you lose your “nerdy geek” credentials and have to go hang out with all those disgusting cheerleaders and football players! You don’t want that, do you?

  • http://ourcatholicmarriagejourney.wordpress.com ksbrigid

    HEYYYYY You’re calling Opus Dei members BORING?? Watch it. I wasn’t offended until that part. We know how to par-tayyy. Trust me.

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      OD is boring and creepy at the same time, like a trip to the nursing home to visit a relative with dementia.

      • anna lisa

        Oh Simcha, I’m so sorry. And Jerk, not a member of OD but so sure they aren’t sniffing what you’re sniffing. Actually, I was a bit worried that you hadn’t made a surly reply.

  • corita

    I keep re-reading this. (I know. I am hiding from my 2.5-year old)

    This is how you know you are Catholic, I guess: When the crotch shots of Sean Connery make you giggle but the Corapi joke makes you clap your hands over your mouth, guffawing, with an “Oh No HE DIDN’T!!!”

  • Kim

    This review needs a picture of Connery in a kilt. And a warning that you may need tissues, because you will laugh so hard you will cry!

  • anna lisa

    @ksbrigid, you know it. But you have to get in with the right people. Like my Spanish friend who knows to pack the bar for the retreats.

  • http://sarahboylewebber.blogspot.com/ Sarah Webber

    I was just thinking the other day how I missed The Jerk! I tried to watch Labyrinth last summer and only got through about half an hour before I gave up. Ugh. Now, Princess Bride, I still know every line.

  • http://elizabethk-fthnfort.blogspot.com/ Elizabeth K.

    Wait, the Jerk did a Ladyhawke review? What, where?

  • Deirdre Mundy

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2011/07/15/knock-knock-whos-there-rutger-hauer/

    The ladyhawk fans are STILL dropping by to gripe.

    Btw, Jerk, my husband thinks you should totally review Highlander because it is awesome.

    Though my vote is for Willow… or the Last Unicorn…. or Solar Babies!

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      All good choices. I think the next movie will either be Alec Baldwin’s The Shadow, Billy Zane’s The Phantom, or Highlander.

    • Anna

      Ooo, yes, review The Last Unicorn! I’d forgotten about that one…

  • liz o.

    Go ahead and insult me. This post is just downright mean. I’ve unsubscribed.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

      Wait, insult who? What? What just happened here?

      • Anna

        Maybe she’s related to Brenda the Deranged.

  • anna lisa

    @Jerk, just one last thing before night night. Last time we had words, it was the Jesuits. Tonight it is Opus Dei. In 20 some years of knowing them, I’ve only met about one in twelve that was a boring dud. I named my 5th born after John Paul the Great. He made Josemaria Escriva a saint. I know why. Do you?

  • Burble

    Is it Hoggle or Hoogle?

  • http://babesinbabylon.wordpress.com Clare

    So my dad met David Bowie in the bathroom at this restaurant where he tended bar in the 80s, doing coke with the waiters after closing. He says he didn’t join in.

    Also, I have a theory that if I had not been exposed to Bowie and his tight pants at such an early age, I wouldn’t have crushes on people like Iggy today.

  • kk

    I’m guilty of not only putting this movie on for my own kids but my niece and nephews when they slept over. The kid’s were so confused when Bowie began singing they literally turned from the movie with their mouths dropped open in utter appall. That was almost a year ago and it still confuses them to this day and will ask if it’s “that guy from the movie” when an 80s song comes on the radio. Do I need to confess this?

  • kk

    oh, and while taking a peek at what I was staring at my 4 year old asked “is that girl wearing a bathing suit?” I surely thought she meant, you know, the one with the girl in a bathing suit but, no, “the girl wearing the boots.” I guess the long hair trumps the mustache, hairy chest and junk in the trunk. weird.

  • GeorgeCorrel

    Ladyhawke!!! I haven’t even thought about that movie since I saw it on video during one strange strange night in eighth grade.

  • enness

    Turia, your comment almost made ME pee. Between that and Corapi I’m nearly in tears.

  • http://twitter.com/TheArtsyWriter Cait Callaghan (@TheArtsyWriter)

    I love this post. This movie is so bad it’s awesome. My brothers and I watched this several times. I was in middle school at the time. As an adult what I remember of it? David Bowie’s pants and the Magic Dance song.

    In my last semester of college, the last day of mythology class we were discussing the Labyrinth story from Greek mythology. After class my professor and I talked about this movie. I started singing the Magic Dance song and he said he would really miss this class. Memories.

    Also that caption under Jar Jar Binks made me laugh so hard.

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