The Jerk Reformed

Hi, I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I got your cat pregnant.

MEOW!

If you’re still reading and not simultaneously trying to call the police, Bob Barker, and your local exorcist while throwing holy water on your computer screen, allow me to apologize.

If I have ever offended you for any reason, I am sorry. Did my snarkiness about Opus Dei inflame your righteous heart? I’m sorry. Were my jokes about Rutger Hauer too cruel for your delicate tastes? I’m sorry. Are you a member of the La Leche League? Really, really, really sorry.

Accepted!

(For the unintiated, that’s Dame Judy Drench, the attorney for the La Leche League. It’s … complicated.)

You must be asking yourselves if the ol’ The Jerk finally got sober. No, no sobriety for me, I’m drunk on faith. Real Faith. Real Catholic Faith.

See, my whole life changed recently when I discovered how awesome Catholicism can be when combined with crappy production values and sketchy facts. That’s right, I’m now a Vortechie.

That’s Vortexie!

Nice marmot.

During a recent bender that included cough medicine, Miller Genuine Draft, and lots and lots of cat nip, I stumbled across this guy on Youtube. I know so much more about Real Catholicism now. Like this:

1. Harry Potter wants to sodomize your children.

2. All the bishops are secretly gay. All of them.

3. And the Jews are out to get me.

Talk about the Good News!

I’ve decided to let The Vorinator be my guide going forward, starting with this movie review. I know a lot of you ladies wanted me to review something girly and lame like The Princess Bride, but I now know I don’t have to do anything you say. The only thing I owe you is my masculinity, meaning my ability to get you pregnant. Real Catholic Pregnant! You want wine? Buy your own bottle of Boones!

On to the movie!

THE SHADOW

I know what you’re thinking, it’s all about a guy who people think is no good, but he’s secretly the most awesome super hero ever. WRONG!

It’s all about the Jews.

You tell ‘em!

That’s right, see, the “hero” lives in New York. New York City! Is a billionaire. Runs a secret society that has agents in every area of society. Lives in New York City!

I also run the media. And Arbys.

Yup, this perverse monstrosity of a “movie” is trying to get us to root for this Shadow person. Who is played by Alec Baldwin no less! People used to think of him as the most talented Baldwin brother, when in fact he is simply the most disappointing Baldwin brother.

So, you watched The Cat In The Hat?

In the movie, based on the degenerate “radio” show, The Shadow learns everything about controlling people’s minds in the far east. Do I need to go any further? He’s obviously trying to undermine The Church.

Who wants to hold my hands while we say the Our Father?

SEE!!!

Ugh. It’s bad enough we’re supposed to “root” for this person, but then the amoral movie producers, who probably live in Hollywood(!) thrown in this excuse for a woman as the female lead.

I secretly want to be a priest!

That’s right, Penelope Ann Miller! A woman so vile Our Lady weeps every time she gets a movie “role.” Know why? Take a look at this:

I don’t care about the marital debt.

YOU CALL THOSE BIRTHING HIPS?

Oh, and get this, The “Shadow” is supposed to save Penelope Ann Miller’s father from the villains. Guess who plays him?

Well hello.

That’s right, “Mark” Shea’s favorite actor, Sir Ian McKellen! Who is gay!

There’s more to this plot, I think. To be honest, I spent most of the movie’s runtime in a simmering rage at the affront to the Real Catholic faith it showed in scene after scene after scene. I have to say this: If the Mass were still in Latin, this movie would never have been made.

True Dat.

Since I no longer believe in the corrupt system of letting you people pick the next movie — because that is clearly an idea from the devil — I’m gonna give you three choices for a poll, let you “vote” and then ignore the results and go with whatever I feel like.

We can go with:

The Highlander, starring famous secret Jew Sean Connery.

The Phantom, starring famous secret Jew Billy Zane.

Or

The Expendables, starring famous secret Jew Sylvester Stallone.

“Vote” now.

[polldaddy poll=6203981]

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  • Deirdre Mundy

    I’m going to be an obedient Catholic wife and vote for Highlander– because my husband keeps insisting that it’s an awesome movie and your review will be great! On the other hand, nothing either of you say or do can get me to WATCH Highlander. Ever since I got tricked into watching Star Trek V ALL THE WAY THROUGH, I’ve gotten judgmental.

    Though, I think Time Bandits may be worth a review….. Or Baron Von Muchausen…. (Yes, we once did a ‘bad eighties movies involving dwarves’ theme week…)

  • http://creativefidelity.wordpress.com Dan F.

    I have to say, when I first saw the title to this post I thought to myself “Say it ain’t so!” But a Vorinator, now that’s even better. ;)

  • Marcy W.

    May I applaud! I love the opening line & picture. If I had coffee I would have spit it out! Now, I’ll just sit back and watch the fireworks begin.

  • Brian

    I voted the Highlander so you can continue your secrect man-crush on Sean Connery. Or whatever,

    • Deirdre Mundy

      I just realized something– maybe the Jerk isn’t really Simcha’s husband at all! Maybe her online persona is a total lie and the Jerk is just a voice in her head and she’s really not a New England Catholic Mom of many at all! (I mean, seriously–that whole Catholic with Jewish roots things seems kind of farfetched…) Maybe she’s really a WomynPriest from California writing what she IMAGINES a Catholic mom of many to be like, and the Jerk is what she IMAGINES a Catholic Dad is like………What proof do we have (other than the internets) that Simcha exists? Maybe she’s really fanfic written by a Voris staffer!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

    • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

      Secret?

  • Claire Dalton Pak

    I’m going to twirl a pencil around, so that I may expose the lies and falsehoods in this post.

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  • S.B.

    This literally made me LOL. I guess my holier than the Pope ex boyfriend was right about me being such an awful modernist, since I love this movie. Keep up the good work, Jerk!

  • anna lisa

    ohhhhhh. That explains a lot. Those kittens wanted to take a crap on everything. A review of “Mean Girls” might be a welcome relief from all the geriatric crotch shots.

  • allotmentgirl

    Judy Dench is looking different these days. Must be all that time as ‘M’.

  • Nancy Leschke

    Always glad to see you, Jerk. Your captions alone make me want to double what I pay Simcha to read her blog.

  • Anna

    This is the second time I have referred a priest to Simcha’s writing only to have a new The Jerk post show up immediately. I wonder when they’ll bar me from teaching archdiocesan marriage prep… That’s okay, that opening line is totally worth it.

  • sortacrunchy

    OH! The JERK! Oh, Jerk. You just totally made my day. How I have missed you.The captions are the best.

  • enness

    Who attacked that man’s head with a weed whacker?

  • Real Tim

    If you were a Real Catholic, you would only review Michael Voris videos and explain to the less real catholics (small “c”) how awesome he is.

    Btw, aren’t “the” and “jerk” Hebrew words? I’ve never seen indisputable proof that they are not. I’m just sayin’… (that you are a co-conspirator).

  • http://feetfirst.blogspot.com Dr Alice

    Oh, The Jerk. Don’t ever change. Nobody else can make me belly laugh after a hard day. I must now go and rent “The Shadow” as you have made it sound irresistible.

    PS – I voted for “Highlander.” I can’t wait to see you go after that one.

  • themightymighty

    I love Simcha and everything she writes, but for the life of me, I cannot follow the Jerk’s posts. I think I need to watch more bad movies. Maybe you could include a list of movies one must have seen in order to get the jokes… :)


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