There can be only one, The Jerk.

Erm, I think you meant to say action figures.

Hi, I’m The Jerk. Some of you might remember me from the time I caused an international incident by making fun of a guy with bad hair. Man. I wish it was that reasonable. For the uninitiated, here is the standard disclaimer: The Jerk is not Simcha. Simcha is not The Jerk. Happy? Fact is, Simcha is violating at least two conditions of her emplyment here at Patheos, and one restraining order by allowing me to post here. Suck it, Shea.   Whatever, beardy. Maybe you can … [Read more...]

The Million Dollar Jerk

Hi, I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time the League of Outraged Catholic Ladies had me censored for saying … Um, no. Look, all I said was K-Lo is kinda … Fine. I get the gist. Well, the outraged ladies have won, as Simcha has told me that I’m not allowed to do this movie review without an in-blog editor checking it to make sure I’m not being too offensive. Anyway, here he is, “Dr.” Johnboy Zmirak: Actually, I’d hate to. But speaking of … [Read more...]

Is this a Cuban I see before me?

Hi, I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time the USCCB named me the second worst fictional Catholic on the internet. Fine, fine. I can be the bigger man and accept defeat. I would like to know what tipped the scales. Before I ruin Simcha’s chances at ever being invited to speak at some money-bags event, like The Catholic Ladies for Muslim Fashion Awards, I better get on with the movie. RED DAWN   Remember that time when you were a kid at a family BBQ and your … [Read more...]

The Jerk Reformed

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I got your cat pregnant. If you're still reading and not simultaneously trying to call the police, Bob Barker, and your local exorcist while throwing holy water on your computer screen, allow me to apologize. If I have ever offended you for any reason, I am sorry. Did my snarkiness about Opus Dei inflame your righteous heart? I'm sorry. Were my jokes about Rutger Hauer too cruel for your delicate tastes? I'm sorry. Are you a member … [Read more...]

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Rutger Hauer.

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I was marketing athletic clothing for Catholic women. Pretty classy, am I right? Big seller in the Steubenville. At this point, some of you may be wondering where Simcha is, and why she is letting me get away with this, again. See, for reasons even I don't quite get, there are times Simcha ditches the blog and allows me to post here. Confidentially, this usually happens around the same time The Moody Blues tour comes … [Read more...]

The Avignon Bonds

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that recurring dream you keep having about gym class. You need some help. Just sayin'. But I'd really like the world to remember me for my movie reviews. Or maybe my humanitarian work of gently correcting people in com boxes.  Or perhaps my ability to consume large quantities of alcohol while driving. In any event, Simcha doesn't seem to care much about secure passwords (manh8ter) so it's time for me to do my thing. With pants … [Read more...]

The Jerk Unchained

And now for an occasional feature, The Jerk. He is not Simcha. He has not been here for a while. We would say he is back by popular demand, but that would be a lie. Please be warned, Sean Connery uses some very bad words in this piece. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I ruined Simcha's chances at a book deal. Lookit, there was a big bowl of mashed potatoes and it seemed like that kind … [Read more...]

Fear of Hell AND . . .

Hey, remember how I told you last week that, this week, we'd have a giveaway and a musical interlude?  Yeah, I don't know what I was talking about.  But in lieu of whatever that was, I offer instead: 1.  My post at the Register, about whether fear of Hell is deterrent to bad behavior (quick answer:  no, but it does motivate you to go to confession). 2.  A teaser for this week's Seven Quick Takes!  Oh, wait, now I have to think of another thing?  Okay -- you are now TEASED!  I TEASE … [Read more...]

The Jerk Returns!!!!!!!

Oh, but first, come see my post at the Register:  "Not like that!" The spirituality of The Mummy.  The post may be silly, but it's witness to a miracle:  I was able to figure out how to post videos on a new platform while propitiating the feral kid, who sits behind my back and makes me play the squish game while I write. But you don't want to hear about me; you want to hear about .  . . . THE JERK! To newer readers:  there is this guy.  He's called "The Jerk."  Simcha is not The … [Read more...]

I am wearing pants.

Hi, I'm the Jerk. I'm allowed to write movie reviews on Simcha's blog once a week under two conditions. One: I keep the language clean. Two: I have to wear pants when I write. (Somehow, she can tell.) I know, some of you were made SAD by my review of Yentl. I know some of you thought I should probably go to the beach for a STAYCATION, and maybe cool it for a while. I even know some of you,...thought I should,...stop writing,... altogether,... And you know, I was gonna ditch the whole thing … [Read more...]