‘Cuz the halls of power really reverbrate with the comments about who flies the powerful around. I’m starting to find it really hard to believe that the regular readers of this tripe don’t notice that there’s something horribly, boringly wrong with the way these “thrillers” are written.

I’m reminded of a Douglas Adams joke about an author whose books sell fantastically, but no-one actually reads through them (he’s really only popular because his name “Howard Bell” fits perfectly on the average paperback cover.)

Do we really know that people are actually reading through this crap instead of just buying it?

Well, sir, I don’t know what to tell you, but it is a pity you’re not getting the services of the new pilot. I know him and he’s tops.

First of all, Buck, I think the term you’re looking for is “a top,” and secondly, while it’s nice you feel like sharing, I’m not sure the President of the United States is that interested in your sexual practices.

I’m sort of dumbfounded by the idea by the Prez’ claim that Nicky Mountaintops weaseled him out of Air Force One. How does that work. Did Fitz lend it Nicky for the weekend, not knowing he’d refuse to return it? I know it’s a small absurdity among many larger insanities, but sometimes these books are so nuts it becomes easier just to focus on the small-scale weirdness.

Great Scott!

lacing every sentence with profanity

Gosh! Darn! Heck! Phooey! Gee whillikers!

The obsession with the aeroplane feels to me like a confusion between status symbols and status itself. Who cares about sovereignty? That’s just politics. What matters is that someone is taking away the things that make him look important.

And to show this stuff still has legs, here is the tasteful and completely factual trailer for the movie adaptation of Hagee’s Jerusalem Countdown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUHu-GYVC8o . I’ll be curious to see if even someone as hateful as Hagee writes, or ghostwrites, a “hero” as loathsome as Buck or Ray.

Both approaches to telling this story could work. A fascinating glimpse at the halls of power a la West Wing, or a man or a street feel of trying to piece together chaos from scraps. Hell, this series could have had both. One of the nice things about novels is that they grant you multiple POV characters if you wish.

But when you’re not interested in stories but “nyah nyah I’m right!” posturing of course you’re not going to bother with that. You’ll have your stand ins pampered and in the halls of power, not helping a literally damned soul but convinced of their moral superiority. It’s offensive, but worse, it’s boring. Independence Day is not a good movie but at least it’s entertaining.

I love invasion stories, and post apocalyptic stories for the odd kind of hope some of them can inspire. That despite it all we’ll continue. That even something as right wing as Red Dawn has more empathy and likeable characters is saying something.

(Well, OK, I actually can’t think of any global disaster epic that included the role of decision-makers in Ottawa, but it stands to reason that when the aliens invade or the asteroid looms or the zombies arise, the prime minister of Canada would be compelled to spring into action too.)

Um, hello, Canadian Bacon?

“By George, Fitzhugh does use a lot of profanity, but I suppose it’s called for if — Great Scott! — you’re being outpolled by the foreign-born president of Romania.”

This reminded me of a particular movie, in which Mikhail Gorbachev utters this line:

“I have the Americans believing I am a nice guy. In some of their polls, I’m more popular than their president!”

The movie, of course, is the first Naked Gun.

—

All that profanity, and not one [expletive deleted]? Jenkins, now I’m disappointed.

“By George, Fitzhugh does use a lot of profanity, but I suppose it’s called for if — Great Scott! — you’re being outpolled by the foreign-born president of Romania.”

This reminded me of a particular movie, in which Mikhail Gorbachev utters this line:

“I have the Americans believing I am a nice guy. In some of their polls, I’m more popular than their president!”

The movie, of course, is the first Naked Gun.

—

All that profanity, and not one [expletive deleted]? Jenkins, now I’m disappointed.

I tried posting the Bruce Barnes Death/Double Wedding/Meet the Bride countdowns twice, but they seem to have instantly vanished into the aether. So I’m gonna try posting on a different computer to see what happens.

Anyways first a “young Robert Redford” and now a “younger version of Lyndon Johnson”? Does this reveal some obsession with youth or is Jenkins just being lazy with descriptions? “You know that one guy? Well, this guy looks like him, only younger”.

Yes, I guess Nicolae is probably the third most popular person in the history of the world, ranking behind only “Jesus himself” and, you know, Barabbas.

Heh.

He swore. And then he swore again. Soon he was lacing every sentence with profanity.

“I mean, it’s one thing for the United States to model leadership to the world, but what we look like now is one of his puppets. I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive. And somehow he’s succeeded in making me look like his sycophant. … Do you know the trouble we’ve got with the militia? I’ll tell you, they’ve got a point, and I can’t argue with them! Our intelligence is telling us they’re starting to hoard and hide some major weaponry, because they’re so against my plan to join this destroy-90-and-give-10-to-the-U.N. or Global Community or whatever he’s calling it this week. I’d like to believe his motives are pure and that this is the last step toward true peace, but it’s the little things that make me wonder. Like the airplane deal.”

If every sentence is laden with profanity… where is it, exactly?

“(Well, OK, I actually can’t think of any global disaster epic that included the role of decision-makers in Ottawa, but it stands to reason that when the aliens invade or the asteroid looms or the zombies arise, the prime minister of Canada would be compelled to spring into action too.) ”

You’re clearly not very well acquainted with the current Prime Minister of Canada.

I’m pretty sure that in the event of a zombie invasion, he’d prorogue Parliament and then attend a series of global summits in which he successfully convinced all the other world leaders that zombies do not pose a threat to our delicious brains.

Hi, Mouse here, aka snarker of the kids version of Left Behind. About a week ago, the section I was reading mentioned militias forming and the kids wanted to join, but surprisingly Bruce was opposed to it. My theory is that he didn’t like the idea of them taking orders from someone besides him, because don’t the Tribbles have a hard-on for military hardware/action.

Deird: If every sentence is laden with profanity… where is it, exactly?

Maybe it’s like Mad Libs? Fill in your own profanity!

Lyndon Johnson and Robert Redford both came to prominence in the 1960s (well, the 1950s in Johnson’s case, if you were interested in politics). I suspect that L&J think that nobody would recognize the names of anyone who came to prominence more recently — probably because they wouldn’t. Talk about out of touch!

Yes, I guess Nicolae is probably the third most popular person in the history of the world, ranking behind only “Jesus himself” and, you know, Barabbas.
More like seventh, actually. Can’t forget the Beatles!

Maybe it’s like Mad Libs? Fill in your own profanity!

Hey, kids! Here’s a neat game!

I’d like to believe his ______ are pure and that this is the last step toward ______, but it’s the ______ that make me ______.”

Personally, my mind is suddenly going to a very slashy place indeed, but I’m sure there are other possibilities…

Yes, I guess Nicolae is probably the third most popular person in the history of the world, ranking behind only “Jesus himself” and, you know, Barabbas.

Actually wouldn’t Nicolae be either 4th or 8th (depending on if you count The Beatles as 1 or 4)?

Young Robert Redfords and phone calls and airplanes
Flirting with colleagues we secretly disdain
Eating our cookies standing in the wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

When kids vanish
When we’re famished
Witnesses breath fire
I think of a few of my favorite things
And the trib’s not so dire!

Phone calls and phone calls and phone calls and phone calls
Phone calls and phone calls and phone calls and phone calls
Phone calls and phone calls and phones that can ring
These are a few of my favorite things!

“Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins don’t regard their apocalypse as a problem at all, but as the inexorable and glorious fulfillment of a divine plan — cause for celebration and gratitude.”

And instantly my mind jumps to the robed priesthood of Cthulu, cackling maniacally as their Great Old One returns to cleanse the world of unbelievers.

*throws toilet paper*

Note that we’ve also just been given an important clue as to the unfolding of Bible prophecy. The Rapture will come the year before an election year. That’s unnerving, since 2011 is the year before an election year — maybe Harold Camping is right about May 21 after all? But at least we know that if the real, true Christians haven’t all disintegrated by January, we’re good for another three years worry-free.

Somewhere in the series I recall it indicating that the Rapture takes place during the sixth year of the president’s administration. This is consistent with the Left Behind spinoff series End of State, which states that at the time of the Rapture, a mid-term election is looming.

That means their narrative needs … to provide as comprehensive a Big Picture as possible, supplying the protagonists and the reader with as much complete information as they can possibly cram in. The series is thus obliged to bring readers inside the halls of power…

Behind the Scenes of the Left Behind series with Jerry Jenkins

When I started writing Left Behind, Buck Williams wasn’t even a part of it. It was strictly the story on the airplane with Rayford and Hattie. When I got further into the manuscript, I realized I needed another character to be in places where Rayford couldn’t be and to tell a different part of the story.

The real kicker is that no one plane is Air Force One; any plane that the President is currently on is Air Force One. The President habitually uses a certain plane, but that doesn’t make it Air Force One when he’s not on it.

When I got further into the manuscript, I realized I needed another character to be in places where Rayford couldn’t be and to tell a different part of the story.

You know, Agatha Christie wrote a novel where half the chapters were from the hero’s POV, and half from the villain’s. You’d think that option would occur to Jenkins.

But then, that would involve getting into the mindset of someone who wasn’t a Christian, and possibly even acknowledging that they might have opinions that aren’t purely one-line stereotypes.

Every time we get a Phones Section or a Planes Section it’s like being trapped in an elevator with a train-spotter. “Now the Reginald Red Specials, the 63 series of course, they were the real deal, though the 86 Mudson Marks were a close second, I can tell you…”

The real kicker is that no one plane is Air Force One; any plane that the President is currently on is Air Force One. The President habitually uses a certain plane, but that doesn’t make it Air Force One when he’s not on it.

In order for L&J to know that they would have had to do research and AFAICT from these wretched books they’re allergic to it. If they didn’t do any research about airplanes (which they clearly didn’t since the way the AF1 designation works is not the only thing they got wrong) they’re certainly not going to do it for anything else.

Canadian Halls of Power in fiction: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_High_Places

It’s actually not a bad book, as I recall. It’s by Arthur Hailey, the same guy who wrote Runway Zero Eight; originally televised as Flight Into Danger, then put on the big screen as Zero Hour!, and finally satirized by Leslie Nielsen. See, it all comes back to airplanes and Leslie Nielsen.

Alas, I cannot think of any other examples.

@Andrew Glasgow, re: *throws toilet paper*

Glad I’m not the only one who felt called to respond that way.

I’m still weirded out by the discovery that Nicolae Ceausescu (the, uh, self-proclaimed “Genius of the Carpathians”) was a real guy who spent fifteen years being a communist dictator President of Romania. I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do with that? What were LaJenkins thinking? I don’t even…

@Andrew Glasgow, re: *throws toilet paper*

Glad I’m not the only one who felt called to respond that way.

And I still can’t believe I missed it!

And, what everybody else said. When I’m President, and I’m feeling put on by the Antichrist, I will definitely gossip and whine to the Antichrist’s stooge reporter. Especially if it’s Never-Submits-A-Story Buck.

My son started reading the Left Behind thing but he had to give it up. He said to me “It’s written for twelve year olds”
Star Wars and Harry Potter were written for twelve year olds but somehow they resonate with adults.
I’d like to see someone do for Ayn Rand what Fred has done for Jenkins and LaHaye.

You know, Agatha Christie wrote a novel where half the chapters were from the hero’s POV, and half from the villain’s. You’d think that option would occur to Jenkins. But then, that would involve getting into the mindset of someone who wasn’t a Christian, and possibly even acknowledging that they might have opinions that aren’t purely one-line stereotypes.

Jerry Jenkins takes care never to give his readers the perspective of the villains.* Not once do we get Nicky’s unfiltered perspective. Scenes with Nicky and Leon are always described from the point of view of a Tribulation Force member who has infiltrated the GC. For those scenes where our heroes cannot be physically present — such as when Nicky is alone in his office — any descriptions of the scoundrel(s) are provided via a secret listening devise or video feed.

* This rule applies to the first 12 books. The three prequels delve deeply into Nicky’s pre-R&B life.

“Cameron Williams?”

“Who’s asking?”

“Secret Service, and you know it. Can I see some ID please?”

The clunky writing is almost painful.

“Well, sir, I don’t know what to tell you, but it is a pity you’re not getting the services of the new pilot. I know him and he’s tops.”

That line seemed familiar to me, and I just realized why. I’ve been re-reading some old X-Men issues (“old” as in ’70s and ’80s) recently and most of the writing there might as well have been transliterated into these books. Seriously, is Jenkins aware that people don’t actually talk that anymore?

“he has the massive logistical task of destroying 90 percent of his nation’s arms and armaments while ceding the remainder to the new regime in New Babylon. That task would seem so huge as to be all-consuming”

The President wouldn’t spend over 30 odd hours on the task, split over a number of fifteen minute to an hour briefings spread over months. It’s the staffers at the DoD and EPA that will be burning the midnight oil for months and years. Heck, the President will probably spend more time negotiating with Congressional leaders over whose recycling plant in whose district gets how much of the pie than anything else.

That being said, eliminating the Armed Forces ability to wage war could be done in a day or two. Pretty much any weapons systems has a key point of vulnerability, from the firing pin on a rifle to the clock oscillators in the Trident-I missile fire control system.

Speaking of slashy, did anyone else read this line:
“Well, sir, I don’t know what to tell you, but it is a pity you’re not getting the services of the new pilot. I know him and he’s tops.”

as saying, “I know him and he tops” ?

Also Jenkins’ swearing is amusing. He can’t actully go out and use any such words (that would be immoral…or something) Which leaves him, once again, telling and very directly not showing.

The Six Million Dollar Man and Sgt. Stedenko in a post-Rapture 24 ripoff? I’m so there.

The solution seems logical enough to me. Just drop bombs on all the militia groups stockpiling arms illegally, then send in the military to mop up and police the weapons. It will remove the militia groups, expend some of the munitions that need to be destroyed anyway, and recover the hoarded weapons. I doubt that the militias have the capability to destroy state-of-the-art American military strike fighters.

Whether it is ethical or not is a different matter, but it sure seems practical.

Alternatively, militarize the police force. Reclassify substantial portions of the U.S. military as being homeguards used to deal with local domestic disturbances. Normally a police force staffed and equipped with military grade personel and equipment would be considered excessive, but given the growing armed militia threat, it is hard to argue that it does not have justification when the Global Community weapons inspectors come investigating.

1.21 jigawatt?

“That line seemed familiar to me, and I just realized why. I’ve been re-reading some old X-Men issues (“old” as in ’70s and ’80s) recently and most of the writing there might as well have been transliterated into these books. Seriously, is Jenkins aware that people don’t actually talk that anymore?”

Good point. I am off to add “Totally Radical” to TVtrope’s Left Behind page…

@ Kevin Alexander: http://newscum.wordpress.com/

Now if he’d just get back to work on it…

Also Jenkins’ swearing is amusing. He can’t actully go out and use any such words (that would be immoral…or something) Which leaves him, once again, telling and very directly not showing.

That’s one of the things that really bugs me in Christian fiction. Once I read a book where one of the characters said something dreadful, and the other character (and I quote) “said a foul word that expressed what he thought of that”. Which… was obviously “bullshit”. I can’t think of a single word he could have been saying apart from “bullshit”. But even though all the readers would instantly mentally insert “bullshit” into the sentence, we couldn’t actually have him say that, could we? Horrors!

Honestly, either have your characters actually say the things they’re saying… or write them saying something else instead.

And to show this stuff still has legs, here is the tasteful and completely factual trailer for the movie adaptation of Hagee’s Jerusalem Countdown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v... . I’ll be curious to see if even someone as hateful as Hagee writes, or ghostwrites, a “hero” as loathsome as Buck or Ray.

Still, at least from the trailer it looks as if we have some heroes, and some vilains and the heroes are trying to stop the villains from doing bad things. There seem to be some sort of motives in there as well for the bad guys as well, so it seems a billion times better than the Worst Books In The World.

Someone of 59 may be a lot of things, but “youthful” really isn’t one of them. And while there’s obvious Mary-Sue-ing going on here, I don’t see people accusing Buck of being a talentless hack – what we mostly see is jealousy of his wonderfulness, not of his success, insofar as these are separable in L&Jworld.

I love the recounting-but-not-recounting of Fitzhugh’s salty language. Mind you, even here another author has done it rather better. Consider:

“Did I ever ask you for a drink, you” (unprintable even here, in a modern and realistic novel, for the space of two long breaths).

“The trouble we’ve got with the militia” is presumably something Buck doesn’t already know about (unlike procedural roles for off-the-record statements) and sounds as though it could be a news story. Naturally he does his best not to learn about it.

I wonder whether this emphasis on the plane is because it’s one of the few non-prophesied things to be going on here? The destruction and ceding of weapons, per L&J, is an inevitable part of God’s plan; the Antichrist is on the same rails as everyone else, and he just has to keep ticking off the prophecy checklist items. But taking the plane… that’s personal.

My first reaction–what kind of tool says “who’s asking?” when someone confirms their identity?

@Spalanzani

Anyways first a “young Robert Redford” and now a “younger version of Lyndon Johnson”? Does this reveal some obsession with youth or is Jenkins just being lazy with descriptions? “You know that one guy? Well, this guy looks like him, only younger”.

Also interesting that his celebrity references are from the 1970s. Are these books huge amongst baby boomers in particular?

@Andrew Glasgow

throws toilet paper

You’ll be needing that, what with all the shit in this book

Yes, Fitzy has given him every single fighterplane he doesn’t destroy, but it’s little things like assuming a single semi-civilian airliner that make him distrustfull. I’m pretty sure the US has at least 2 747′s that are painted like Air Force One at any time, so he should still have one left anyway.

Nice to see by the way that this incredibly un-RTC president (ZOMG, he swore so badly L&J can’t print it!!) is also not affected by Nicky’s Mind Mojo. Now think about this. Nicky is incredibly popular with the entire country, except the millita’s (well, they might pass the RTC-test) and the president, who is still probably the most important man in the country whenever Nicky isn’t visiting. Why would he NOT Mind Mojo that man, if he’s able to Mind Mojo the entire country remotely. The conclusion must therefor be that it isn’t Mind Mojo he’s using. He’s just that popular, without any explanation. And yet, a relatively minor inconvenience like ‘taking his plane’ is enough to snap Fitz out of it and realize he’s getting screwed over. So why doesn’t every general, admiral, pilot and soldier act the same way? And it’s not like half the population of the planet won’t be negatively affected by this One World Government.

I like how Buck is so well known as a hack reporter who doesn’t publish anything relevant that the President invites him in to rant his highly classified and publicly volatile feelings to him and him only. Not any of his trusted aids, or a therapist, oh no. That’s risky. But Buck’s lack of journalistic instinct is more reliable than any friendship or doctor-patient confidentiality. Okay, we know this only happened because L&J think we give a damn about the airplane, and needed one of their characters to hear all this important news, but we can’t have anyone publicly denouncing the super-popular Anti-Christ, so we need to find an excuse to do this secretly but within hearing range of Buck.

Of course, it’s inexcusable that Buck is just taking this opportunity to praise his BFF Rayford instead, of, oh I don’t know WARNING THE PRESIDENT HE’S GIVING ALL POWER TO THE ANTI-CHRIST! It was already a crime how he buried the truth in his article, but I could just about grasp that he might be ridiculed if he tried to publish his Rapture theory. Of course, if he included enough details of things to come, the laughter would stop once things start happening, but hey. But here is the man with probably the best chance to fight the AntiChrist for the next 7 years (well, perhaps the leader of China might be better, since he wouldn’t really need to worry about Nicky being more popular than him. But Fitz is in the top 3) and he’s angry at, and doubtfull of, Nicky. Enough so that he invited Buck to his room to talk to him about it. And I doubt the destruction the entire arsenal minus a bit or the transport of that bit to Nicky is done yet. NOW would be the time to try and recruit him, since the Tribulation hasn’t started yet. Convince Fitz now, and he probably has the resources and connections to shut this signing down. But somehow, that doesn’t seem to cross Buck’s mind. (I haven’t read the books, so perhaps next week we do see him trying that?)

And a minor point, I think Fred’s being a bit too negative about halls-of-power perspective stories. Independence Day wasn’t good, sure, but I don’t feel it’s the TPTB characters that are wholly to blame. The ordinary Joe characters are at least as bad. For a good, meaningfull TPTB-perspective that isn’t just entertainment of blowing stuff up, try Thirteen Days. Behind Enemy Lines 2 is also a nice example of an admittedly bad movie, where the TPTB-perspective is still easily the best part of the movie. The political maneuvering and decisions are infinitly more interesting than the 3rd rate, plothole ridden (if the North Korean’s are too incompetent to figure out that the 30 minute long huge firefight in their base prior to the destruction of their ICBM happened, they shouldn’t have been able to prove a stealth bomber did it either) action scenes.

I wonder if Fred’s a fan of the Nostalgia Chick; her recent “Dark Nella Saga” includes a review of Roland Emmerich’s disaster movies, and she also compares them to the remake of “War Of The Worlds” which shows us the invasion through one character’s eyes.

“I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse”

Er…”Apocalypsi?”

No, probably not…

Yeah, my reaction to that last line was: “‘he’s tops’?! ‘He’s *tops*’?! Who is this guy, Mickey Rooney?!”

Disaster epics featuring Canada’s leaders?

I know one: The Jenny Casey trilogy by Elizabeth Bear (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Bear#The_Jenny_Casey_Trilogy).

Clearly he forgot to say “only borrows, not for keeps!’ when handing over the plane keys.

At least Buck can pretend “He’s tops” is pseudo-Biggles manly bluff-hearted praise, he *could* have whispered “he’s dreamy…”

goddammit Lori you beat me to the punch on the Beatles joke.

If one wants to give an off the record interview, Buck is surely the obvious choice. It’s not like he ever writes anything up anyway.

Also the militias can’t pass the RTC test, or they would have got raptured (unless they converted last week of course). Of course, I’ve probably just thought this through more than the author ever did.

I’m guessing sweary president Fitzhugh is a Democrat, because he has a name that sounds like he comes from one of those wealthy liberal political families in New England, and also because he didn’t get raptured and any fule kno that Republican presidents are RTCs and going to ride the rapture plane. Does that mean that the second coming can be speeded up by making sure to keep voting in Democrat presidents? in which case the religious right might be persuaded to start voting differently? ;o)

Yep, those poor not-Buck reports wondering “How does he do it?” should have spotted the pattern. He gets invited to these kind of things because he never gets their interviewies into trouble by publishing anything bad they say. And often nothing they say at all. The only reason for him to interview people (apart from the out-of-character goal) is to feel smugly superior when he realizes they aren’t as cool and smart as him. (That is, logic and common sense don’t warp around them to make their incoherent ramblings turn out to be correct.)

“I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse”

Er…”Apocalypsi?”

No, probably not…

Apocalypso!

Well, to be fair, Chris Claremont’s dialogue wasn’t so much anachronistic – as is the case with Jenkins – as it was idiosyncratic.
Also, his stilted, unnatural dialogue – as well as his many, many, many (many!) other authorial tics* – aside, Chris Claremont was (and, to some extent, still is) a master of his craft in a way that Jerry Jenkins could never hope to be (See The Dark Phoenix Saga, for example. Melodramatic? Yes. Overwrought? Of course. Orders of magnitudes better than anything Jenkins could crank out on his best day? Absolutely.).
Now, if we were talking pre-Claremont, Stan Lee-era X-Men…well, again, it was a sort of idiosyncratic thing, though there was an anachronistic element to be sure. Mostly it was a matter of someone who was out of touch attempting to be “hip.”

*I give Claremont a lot of grief for his writing, and honestly, he deserves it, but I also give him a tremendous amount of respect, which he also deserves.

“I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse”

According to my (Greek) husband it should be: apocalypses or apocalypseis depending on how literally you render the Greek spelling.

Singular “apocalypsis” takes “eis” as the plural ending, so “apocalypseis” but when converting to English the dipthong usually drops a vowel and takes the one closest to pronunciation, so “apocalypses” (last syllable sounds like “seas” not “sez”).

HTH! So next time you need to talk about multiple revelations, you now know how to spell it in two languages…

Of course, it’s inexcusable that Buck is just taking this opportunity to praise his BFF Rayford instead, of, oh I don’t know WARNING THE PRESIDENT HE’S GIVING ALL POWER TO THE ANTI-CHRIST!

And it’s not like Buck doesn’t have the perfect opening: Fitzhugh even says that he’s starting to wonder about Mr. Mountain’s motives. It’s right THERE. All Buck would have to do is say, “Well, sir, I may have some insight on that.” They’d be off and rolling!

But he doesn’t. He just sits back and revels in the knowledge that everyone will soon be wishing that they knew what he knows ‘ cause Jesus was all about being smug in the face of people suffering.

Oh wait…

This is a little off-topic, but according to the scriptwriter (John Milius) Red Dawn was originally intended to be an anti-war film, not a pro-war one, and was hastily edited in post-production to produce the ultrapatriotic commie kill-fest that made it to release. This is still visible if you look – although they tried to cover it up it’s clear the original film had a much, much darker tone.

Seriously, is Jenkins aware that people don’t actually talk that anymore?

I’ve read some of his run on the hilariously awful newspaper comic Gil Thorpe, in which most of the characters are modern high school students.

No. No he is not.

I am sorry if someone has mentioned this already but did this sentence make any one else go WTF?

Well, sir, I don’t know what to tell you, but it is a pity you’re not getting the services of the new pilot. I know him and he’s tops.

Did Buck and Rayford not just spend several pages trying to deny they know each other and here Buck is just causally mentioning he knows him to someone that can and will talk directly to Nicolae? WTF? Oh that big plot of cloak and dagger, we just decided to drop it completely in one sentence.

Also wouldn’t this whole outrage been better if they had already given Rayford the job and he was flying the President while the President was screaming about all this on the plane. That way there would be no worries of someone reporting it?

I don’t think it was mentioned, people were to triggered by the word ‘tops’. But you have a point. Fitz doesn’t sound like he’s a happy lacky of the Anti-Christ, but you know, “prophecy says” he will be, so why just volunteers this I have no idea. The only reason is that the story has been focused on Buck to much lately, so regular suck-ups to Rayford are needed. Can’t have the readers forget he’s also awesome.

I still say that Buck talking about Rayford is not half as stupid as not talking about Nicky being the Anti-Christ though.

Don’t forget Muhammed Ali.

I still say that Buck talking about Rayford is not half as stupid as not talking about Nicky being the Anti-Christ though.

Oh I agree, here is someone that seems like they would actually listen if you told them Nicolae was the Anti-Christ and actually do that thing Jesus commanded in the Bible. Plus he is a power player and someone you would want on your side. Not only that wouldn’t the fact that Buck was sought after out of nowhere be interpreted as God’s guiding hand? But apparently not, Buck doesn’t even try to save any one.

Yeah last time I heard someone use the term “tops” it was lois griffin explaining how fun sex is (don’t judge me on my poor taste in late nigh cartoons). But yeah not very subtle there.

Some part of me thinks he whole plane issue has something to do with their masculinity being threatened. I don’t really want to imagine how but it still gives me those vibes. It feels like the entire series is partially written by two old evangelicals feeling threatened by cool young secularists.

Sidenote. The “cursing” reminds me of my grandma

I actually really don’t mind a work-around for any author trying to write G or PG-level fiction. I remember it showing up a few times in the Harry Potter series – ‘Ron swore very loudly with a word that made Hermione scowl’ or the like. And I’ve done things like “she cursed to herself while she fumbled to find her keys”. Doesn’t bother me at all.

But if you say “Soon he was lacing every sentence with profanity,” and then he speaks without swearing, you have LIED, and then you’re just being silly.

So, once again Jerry Jenkins finds a way to make his unbearable Mary Sue even more unbearable. “How does he do that?” wonder the readers. “It never fails!”

Some part of me thinks he whole plane issue has something to do with their masculinity being threatened.

Since the plane-as-phallus equivalency was established in the very first sentence of the first book, I think your instincts are right on. Without his big sturdy airplane, Fitz feels like half a president now. He’s been symbolically castrated by a suave, smooth-talking European with more hair, plus the end of his term is just around the corner and the kids’ rap music is so loud these days, and the only way to boost his ego is to chillax with a cool young GIRAT and push around a few militiamen.

“I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive.”

Nobody who has ever said this has actually been this.

I actually really don’t mind a work-around for any author trying to write G or PG-level fiction.

See, and that would make sense too, if not for how we watched a man get immolated a couple of weeks ago, with graphic descriptions of the molten gold and his charred flesh merging with the ground, et cetera. Cruel, merciless horror: a-okay; actual profanity: UNACCEPTABLE.

Tangentially and technically, ‘profanity’ refers to religious matters, so the usual sexual or waste-related obscenities wouldn’t count. President Fitzykins needs to be shouting about Jesus and pogo sticks, taking the Lord’s name in vain, or (for a combo of profanity and obscenity) suggest that Nicky go insert a crucifix into himself.

“Then the president said a very rude word into the microphone which was repeated gleefully by children all over England who were then smacked by their parents.”

Roald Dahl, “Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator”

son of a bi… I mean son of a gun gun.

you were faster than this suave, smooth-talking European with more hair (although I don’t like rapmusic that much) about his peni… I mean plane.

Yes his big important strong hard long plane that is so important for his status, as big strong manly leader of the free world.

Yeah but JK rowling has let phineas niggelas said it better:

Phineas Nigellus Black: You know, Minister… I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts… but you can’t deny he’s got style.

Its starting to get under my skin the way LH and J describe characters starting with their age, and then quickly countering “Appeared Youthful”, to likely disguise their own feelings of inadequacy of their age. If they had said “Appeared Healthy”, that might have made more sense because I don’t think “over 50″ and “youthful”, don’t go together very well.

Then you get into their celebrity comparisons; Nicoale as a young Robert Redford, Pastor Billings as a young Henry Fonda, and now ex-President Fitzhugh as a young Lyndon B Johnson. I’m curious as to the comparison to LBJ (not be confused with LH and J) Isn’t a romanticized John F Kennedy the go-to lazy writers tool for comparison for a fictitious president? Then again, maybe they’re trying to play on the idea of someone else coming in after his predecessor “un-died”.

You know what kind of apocalypse would be the most terrifying for ellenjay.

Blue drop: tenshi no bokura

granted there are a lot of loose ends in that story
But you would life in a apocalyptican world ruled by lesbian overlords (and definitly not the fun kind)

but that would require imagination and empathy to write such a horrifying story what those two hacks don’t have.

“I mean, it’s one thing for the United States to model leadership to the world, but what we look like now is one of his puppets. I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive. And somehow he’s succeeded in making me look like his sycophant. … Do you know the trouble we’ve got with the militia? I’ll tell you, they’ve got a point, and I can’t argue with them! Our intelligence is telling us they’re starting to hoard and hide some major weaponry, because they’re so against my plan to join this destroy-90-and-give-10-to-the-U.N. or Global Community or whatever he’s calling it this week. I’d like to believe his motives are pure and that this is the last step toward true peace, but it’s the little things that make me wonder. Like the airplane deal.”

If every sentence is laden with profanity… where is it, exactly?

I believe those would be “peace”, “community”, “wonder”, and “intelligence”.

Yes those are the things ellenjay hate.

Cruel, merciless horror: a-okay; actual profanity: UNACCEPTABLE.

Which is especially problematic when you think about the fact that the horror is done by the putative good guys.

I’d been thinking as I read about how L&J’s refusal to show actual swearing is similar to their refusal– or inability– to show other works of actual evil. I haven’t read the later books, but I would expect that people trying to portray the AntiChrist– their figure of ultimate evil– would have him engaging in some (switching to rot13 for creepiness factor) encr naq gbegher naq tvivat crbcyr ntbavmvat, fbhy-qrfgeblvat pubvprf naq pnfhnyyl cflpubybtvpnyyl fnintvat be culfvpnyyl qvfrzobjryvat uvf rarzvrf. Even in the early stages, you’d put in some creepiness. I want Stephen King, or Junji Itto, or someone like *that* level of horrifying. It would make a good contrast with the numinous beauty of God actually acting in the world.

Except that L&J don’t know how to write evil. Just like they don’t know how to write good. Fred and everyone have gone on at length about how they don’t know how to write love or compassion or bravery or mercy. And the two are very connected.

I think that in order to write good horror, you have to have a clear idea of the world which is not horrifying. If you want to write something twisted, you need to know what it’s twisted away from. But L&J’s God is neither healing nor pure nor, really, sacred. In fact, L&J’s God does the most horror-novel things in the book. There’s nowhere to go from there. And so L&J flail around wildly, not able to show the sins of their sinful characters, nor able to show the blessings of their source of blessing.

In a better book, Fitzhugh’s swearing– right there, on the page– might be a useful contrast with Buck’s words of wisdom and grace. But when Buck doesn’t have any of those to offer, you don’t put in the swears, because they’d just sit there.

L&J leave out the swearing because it fits with their idea of propriety, of rules– because when you have no understanding of true good or true evil, rules and propriety are all you’ve got.

Their lives are so sad.

Well they are commiting the sin of nothing to fill their sad lives.

If you don’t know what I mean read what screwtape said about nothing and cower in fear of it.

Although it is a bit ridicilous at times, Terry Pratchet manages to have fun avoiding writing any serious swear words. Like when we just see the protagonist’s thoughts untill one of his friends snaps him back and tells him he was loudly screaming for 10 minutes. Which is followed by the housekeeper (after finding out it was about someone she doesn’t like either) asking him to at least avoid the S-word. And the K-word, the Y-word, both T-words and the Z-word. But thieving murdering bastard is okay (that last one wouldn’t make it though L&J’s cut I expect).

Of course as mentioned, there’s a difference between saying someone swore, and saying he inserted swear words in every sentence, then writing pages of exposition not containing a single word worse than ‘Gosh’

“I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse”

Er…”Apocalypsi?”

No, probably not…

Apocalypso!

Everyone knows it’s technically “Apocalypsodes”.

I know complaining about a lack of research has been done to death but, seriously, it takes a LOT of work to write a decent story.

My goto example for this is guns. It’s one thing to write “he picked up the gun and shot Barry” if the person with the gun has no idea about guns. But if you write say, a western gunslinger he doesn’t have “a gun” any more than a carpenter has “a tool.”

And even if you don’t decide to go into graphic detail, YOU still need to know. You still need to know if it’s a revolver or an automatic, if it’s a big caliber or a smaller one, if it’s single or double action, how much it weighs, how hard it kicks. All these things will affect your story. You may not write:”Tommy drew his nearly three pound Colt 1851 Navy revolver, carefully cocking the single action hammer….” But you need to know how many shots he has, how accurate his gun is, and if he actually hits anything, will he kill it? What happens to someone shot with a Colt 1851 Navy? Will they slam to the floor like someone shot with a modern .45, or will they be able to keep coming?

All these are questions that may dictate the actual actions caused by a character picking up a gun. And you may or may not use that information, and it may or may not affect your story. But you have to know what it is first, before you can judge what impact it will have.

Of course, Hemingway said it shorter and better:

“If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them.The writer who omits things because he does not know them only makes hollow places in his writing.”

My first reaction–what kind of tool says “who’s asking?” when someone confirms their identity?

It’s worse than that. Buck is saying this to a Secret Service agent on the presidential detail. Who gives crap to the people whose job is to put themselves between the president and a bullet? You have to be both extremely stupid and worse than a tool to pull that.

“[I]n order to write good horror, you have to have a clear idea of the world which is not horrifying. If you want to write something twisted, you need to know what it’s twisted away from.”

Well said. L&J (Plc) seem to be not good but nice, in the Bertrand Russell sense – can’t remember the exact quote, but the essay is called ‘In Praise of Nice People’ and ends ‘… nice people are those who have nasty minds.’

Unrelatedly, it’s always hilarious to see people try so hard to render naughty swearwords in print without actually writing down any naughty swearwords. (Because if you write them down the Hand of God will come down and smack your bottom.)

Yep, those poor not-Buck reports wondering “How does he do it?” should have spotted the pattern. He gets invited to these kind of things because he never gets their interviewies into trouble by publishing anything bad they say. And often nothing they say at all. The only reason for him to interview people (apart from the out-of-character goal) is to feel smugly superior when he realizes they aren’t as cool and smart as him. (That is, logic and common sense don’t warp around them to make their incoherent ramblings turn out to be correct.)

In fairness to L&J this pretty much describes the Washington press. It’s all about getting access by t reporting anything that inconveniences the powerful. Access is not about reporting, its about personal aggrandizement.

“I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive.”
Nobody who has ever said this has actually been this.

Reminds me of a Maggie Thatcher quote, from the first year of her premiership, about having power:
“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are – then you ain’t!”

So true! Jenkins shares many of the literary weaknesses of X-Men writer Chris Claremont – double explanations, fourth-wall-aware bits for new readers, awkward turns of phrase in dialogue that no one would ever say out loud like “focused totality of my psychic powers”, dodges like “laced with profanity,” etc.

Claremont makes up for these flaws with plot, character development, and a chaotic imagination that ensures at least one unexpected thing will happen every 20 pages. Jenkins has cut off these avenues by making his characters Mary Sues, choosing a Prophecy Checklist theme that makes unexpected events impossible, and writing off the cuff so he can’t pick up dangling plot threads unless he happens to remember them the next morning.

I am the decider.

not giving names but i believe everyone here knows THAT guy.

And Fred himself said once something interesting about people who describe themselves as tough.

That bit about Mel Gibson– priceless, gorgeous writing. I…what is the term…lol’ed. As for a Canadian disaster story– I just read Peter Watt’s “Maelstrom,” & I’d say it qualifies!

I like how Buck is so well known as a hack reporter who doesn’t publish anything relevant that the President invites him in to rant his highly classified and publicly volatile feelings to him and him only.

In Prequel #2, our GIRAT interviews President Gerald Fitzhugh, who has been named “Newsmaker of the Year” by Global Weekly for a second time:

Every time Fitzhugh gave a canned response, Buck pressed him, respectfully but forcefully, making him explain himself to the public. Buck believed this was the highest calling of the journalist.
The discussed international trade, defense, the budget, health care, and Social Security. Finally Buck even delved into personal style. “Is it true?” he said. “Are you a shouter? a man with a short fuse?”
Fitzhugh didn’t hesitate. “Guilty,” he said, glancing at his wife. “Of course, I don’t get away with that with this one in the private quarters. Can’t fire her, know what I mean? But, yeah, I’ve been working on toning it down with my people. We’ve got a lot to do, and I don’t have a lot of patience. I can improve in that area. Will I? I doubt it.”
…
The president stood and put his jacket back on, thrust out his hand, and vigorously shook Buck’s. “Don’t think I don’t know what a baby you are, son.”
“Sir?”
“I’ve got a staff that researches all this stuff, no surprise to you. I know your age, your background, your credentials, your favorite cookie flavor. And I got to tell you, this was as enjoyable an hour as I’ve spent with a journalist since I’ve been in office.”
…
[After the inteview, Mrs. Fitzhugh asks,] “I trust you won’t take advantage… I just hope this wasn’t an ambush. We have had people come in here and pretend to be allies, then go back and write awful things.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m an ally, but you may rest assured I am not going to ambush you either. This will be a straight-forward Newsmaker of the Year piece, giving the president a chance to speak his mind, which I feel he did here.”

The Regime, pp 345-346

We have debated this matter of researching guns before, you and I. Let the next chapter in our contest begin!

I disagree that, in the example fo guns, research about specific models is absolutely necessary, but I think there are a lot of qualifying factors. A gun in a story doesn’t have to be a real-world model (either because there are common fictional models in your fictional world, or because it’s a one-off, etc) but it should be relevant and consistent. It doesn’t really matter so much that the gun is accurately treated as a real gun – but it should have properties, and have consistency. The author should know how heavy it is, how balanced it is, how many shots is can fire, and so forth, even if that particular set of properties bears no resemblance to any actual model. Although, from the way you’ve phrased your case this time, I’m not sure we disagree here?

The problem, I think, is when the author tries to portray things as being representative of the real world when they aren’t. When they claim a gun is a particular model and it is treated the wrong way, or when they make a claim standardised when it’s only justifiable as an exception.

My counter-goto example is swords (because we are MEN and will therefore discuss WEAPONRY) because fantasy authors keep getting them wrong – not particular sword makes (because if you know there are sword makes, you’ve probably done some research), but the very nature of a sword. They get spoken of as massively heavy things, 20-pound sharpened girders that only gigantic barbarians can lift, and the problem there is that no swords were like that. Swords were finesse weapons, 3-4 pounds standard, and even the mythically enormous nine-foot-greatswords would have topped out around seven or eight pounds – less than the weight of a gallon of milk.

Summary: I don’t think it’s 100% necessary to know anything about a particular make of gun in order to allow a knowledgeable character to convincingly use ‘a gun’, as long as it is treated consistently. The problem is when they try to talk about ‘all guns’ or ‘this real-world-model gun’ and get it wrong.

I’m guessing sweary president Fitzhugh is a Democrat, because he has a name that sounds like he comes from one of those wealthy liberal political families in New England

I remember that it’s established that Fitzhugh is a Democrat. But alas, I can’t recall the specific passage.

Nothing they are just doing nothing,

And in a way there is no bigger horror no darkness more evil than what you just showed me.

Unrelatedly, it’s always hilarious to see people try so hard to render naughty swearwords in print without actually writing down any naughty swearwords. (Because if you write them down the Hand of God will come down and smack your bottom.)

Swear words are very charged, emotionally, and you do tend to feel it when you read or hear them. It can be almost painful, certainly unpleasant.

I’m ambivalent about swear words because even if I agree with that statement, they’re still “just” words and more to the point, their effect gets blunted the more you’re exposed to them so basically someone who tries to avoid swear words because they’re unpleasant is just compounding the effect.

And this has the additional implication that just like using swear words has a definite effect, all the methods fiction came up with to avoid swear words have their own stylistic effects and I think an author could perfectly well choose to avoid swear words to achieve one of those effects, and not just out of prissiness.

Not that Jenkins did, obviously.

So although some people are totally unreasonable and police-y about swear words I don’t think you want to strawman the whole concept of avoiding them too much.

Surely the Iron Lady never used a word like “ain’t”? I’m shocked

The militia fetish has, to my mind, to be a shout-out to the boys’ fellow John Birchers. So much of the militia mindset (rabid isolationism, comical UN-paranoia, fear of world peace, etc.) is taken straight from the Birch handbook that they must seem like natural allies to Tim and Jerry.

“Although, from the way you’ve phrased your case this time, I’m not sure we disagree here?”

Not really- I completely agree about fantasy/sci-fi weapons, or indeed, anything- whatever it is, you should know its properties well enough to make it consistent. And, obviously, it isn’t always crucial to know everything about everything.

A lot of it depends on the characters as well- like I said, a gunslinger will think about his gun in a very fundamentally different way from someone who just picked one up.

I’ve run into this wall recently. I just started writing about Davy Crockett, which means that what is for me a hike through some nice woods is for him a hike through beech and oak and aspen and maple and willow trees, all of which have their different uses, all of which he is aware of. It means he sees bear tracks in a bent branch, and food in a handful of roots. I need to at least be aware of that to accurately convey him as a person, to make his actions and words make sense.

I think the need to know is more crucial when describing professionals, however. Davy Crockett isn’t just a guy with +5 to his Wilderness Survival skill. Because of his skills and abilities, he views the world in a fundamentally different manner than I do. He thinks about the woods differently than I do. Just as I suspect I think about words differently than he did.

But LaHaye and Jenkins- I can’t even describe what they do. Its not even research- its like they saw a USA Today map of the Middle East and said “eh, good enough.”

Am I the only one who noticed that, in the rush to work in that shout-out to their homies in the Michigan Militia, Tim and Jerry managed to pretty much state that the majority of America’s god-fearing, patriotic, ostensibly-RTC militiamen won’t be getting raptured?

[stupid patheos not taking me to an already-posted comment.]

Good point. I am off to add “Totally Radical” to TVtrope’s Left Behind page…

Doesn’t apply here; that trope’s for the aggressive misuse of current teen slang by folks who aren’t part of the youth culture, whereas what schismtracer’s pointing out is just clunky writing (if it was during an all-out fight scene, it might be Talking is a Free Action, which Chris Claremont was notorious for).

I wouldn’t be surprised if Totally Radical popped up in the Kids series, though.

It was pointed out to me when I described them as RTCs, so at least one person got it. Yes, I’ just speculating here, but this might not have been accidental. One or two weeks ago Fred quoted some supporters from a different Rapture-theory, who said that L&J and all the people ‘led astray’ will also be left behind because they don’t ‘get’ the Rapture. Apparently, accepting Jesus and being pious isn’t good enough. If you believe that Jesus is the Lord and that he’s comming back soon and will Rapture his faithfull and then unleash terrible plagues on the world, but didn’t quite get the specifics on how and when the Rapture will occur, or get the order of the plague’s wrong, you still go to hell.

So these poor shmucks that realize how evil the UN and peace and love are, and understand how important Christianity is, but stupidly think that fighting them it is what you should do, rather than standing by the sidelines and look at God flexing his muscles, you didn’t ‘get’ Revelations. So screw you, only people who memorized LaHaye’s timeline are allowed in heaven!

Well, there IS that ellipsis ” …Do you know the trouble we’ve got with the militia?” You could fit any number of profanities in that space.

Wolverines!

Well, OK, I actually can’t think of any global disaster epic that included the role of decision-makers in Ottawa

I’ve read a good short story about this (I wish I could remember the title).

There has never been a technical obstacle to a Canadian nuclear weapons program. We were the second country in the world to have a reactor. Our reactors use a heavy water moderator, making them an ideal source of tritium. We mine our own uranium, and if that were’nt enough we’ve been importing weapons grade plutonium for years (as reactor fuel, yeah, that’s it). We’ve had the technology for decades. All dat is requivered is de VILL to use it.

During the cold war the Soviets were evil and the American military was often insane. Motive enough to build a doomsday machine.

The research program could have been small enough to conceal from the Americans. Building a weapon compact enough to fit on top of an ICBM is hard, but if you’re willing to settle for something big, crude and clunky it’s relatively simple. For that matter, if size is not a concern it’s not hard to scale an H-bomb up to the 100MT range, assuming you can build one at all.

Now put one of those bombs at the bottom of a long, straight mine shaft and backfill with gravel. Congratulations, you’ve built the world’s largest shotgun. Now build some more…

Jack T Ripper does his thing and the missiles fly, but our Prime Minister has his finger on the button. You see, American and Soviet ICBMs would have to cross over Canada to reach their targets. The ICBMs from both sides run smack into a hail of debris.

Perhaps that gives both sides pause. If the second-strike SLBMs stay in their tubes, there’d be no nuclear winter. We’d still get horrifying fallout from the broken ICBM warheads, and humanity wouldn’t get to launch people into space anymore, not for decades at least, but humanity would have a future.

I wish we’d really built an anti-doomsday machine. Trudeau might have been crazy enough. I’d sleep better at night if he had. The ICBMs have not gone away.

So screw you, only people who memorized LaHaye’s timeline are allowed in heaven!

While his Christian opponents may hold a similar position, I don’t think that’s LaHaye’s position. While many of the characters who disappeared anticipated the Rapture, I don’t think that L&J teach that belief in the Rapture or a specific timeline is a prerequisite to enter Heaven.

The problem with the inclusions of the militia here as a positive force so as to be complimentary to the militia is that it implies that most of the militia members have been left behind. I have a feeling your average right-wing militia member would be offend at the implication that they are not Real True Christians.

Oh, this is awesome, I get to post a youtube video, that is on topic, and insults Maggie Thatcher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1aQLlYjjoI

The on topic bit? Its a perfect example of how just eliminating a swearword doesn’t mean you aren’t swearing.

For example:

“Fair play Mrs Thatcher, sure you know a trick or two
and each time you come to Dublin well we know just what you’ll do
you’ll dress up in your finery and preach with all your might
but all of your fancy promise’s are just a load of—–”

The avoidance of profanity reminds me of Alex Cox’s Straight To Hell. While the movie is remarkably violent (only two characters survive the movie as I remember, and they are seriously wounded), “gosh darn it” is as rough as the language gets. The main villains are coffee addicts, so no drugs either. This was a reaction to the editing for the TV version of Repo Man (“Flip you, melon farmer!”) and a statement about the acceptance of violence. I wish I could give Ellenjay credit for establishing a similar theme, but Ellenjay can’t keep track of the plot at this point.

“Secret Service, and you know it.” You self-important jackass, the agent added in his head. “Can I see some ID please?”

While many of the characters who disappeared anticipated the Rapture, I don’t think that L&J teach that belief in the Rapture or a specific timeline is a prerequisite to enter Heaven.

AFAICT in L&J-world the only prerequisite to enter Heaven is saying the Magic Words. However, once someone says the Words they seem to automatically know an awful lot of L&J-approved theology, including the Trib timeline. So belief in the Rapture isn’t a prerequisite for being saved, but it’s strongly implied that it’s a sign of being saved. Presumably the converse is also true and lack of belief indicates lack of salvation.

Am I correct that the Biblical injunction about “taking the Lord’s name in vain” refers less to swearing than to vows/oaths (promises taken with God as witness)?

AFAICT in L&J-world the only prerequisite to enter Heaven is saying the Magic Words.

Not quite. Saying the Magic Words doesn’t get one into Heaven. One must believe in the Magic Words. TurboJesus can read your mind — he knows if you’re faking it.

However, once someone says the Words they seem to automatically know an awful lot of L&J-approved theology, including the Trib timeline. So belief in the Rapture isn’t a prerequisite for being saved, but it’s strongly implied that it’s a sign of being saved. Presumably the converse is also true and lack of belief indicates lack of salvation.

Agreed.

‘In vain’ (from Latin in vanus) would refer to any empty or meaningless use of the name – so yeah, vows/oaths that you won’t actually keep, but I would think it would also include any time when someone falsely claims that a thing is commanded by/relevant to God. Which means, as I understand it, that anyone who claims something is an abomination unto God, and can’t back it up, is breaking that commandment.

Replying to myself because I am narcissist to make the corollary clear: people claiming that QUILTBAG stuff is evil had better give some prolonged thought to the security of their position. There’s no punishment for ‘failing to judge others for their sins’, but ‘wrongly claiming you know what God is thinking’ is on the Divine Top Ten.

Not quite. Saying the Magic Words doesn’t get one into Heaven. One must believe in the Magic Words. TurboJesus can read your mind — he knows if you’re faking it.

This is one of the things about L&J’s theology that I ind confusing and monstrous. TurboJesus knows if you’re not 100% sincere when you say the Words and will send you to hell for faking it. At the same time, taking the mark of the beast under duress, even if you don’t actually support the devil, does nothing for you. You’re still going to hell. And of course even sincerely saying the words does nothing for you if you miss the arbitrary deadline.

The wide and narrow gates are one thing, but L&J have created the pinhole and the 8 lane super highway.

Fitz really is a fascinating character in the sense that he’s the clash between L&J’s hatred of East Coast Liberal Elites and their rabid America First Exceptionalism. So Fitz’s party is never named, obviously Democratic or he wouldn’t have been left behind. And yet, he’s not completely iredeemably evil or a hapless stooge because they can’t bear to think of America being okay with taking off the spurs of being world police. So you get this odd mix, a sweary manly man, who is bad because his party doesn’t vote to control women’s bodies, and yet he’s the American President. And America is always good, always, right or wrong. It’s a queasy thing thing to read, even more than most, because of the two sides of of their worldview, America is a Christian Nation and America is a fallen New Babylon, come crashing together in Fitz.

Deird,

“If every sentence is laden with profanity… where is it, exactly?”

Hey, those sentences are crammed with words like “U.N.,” “community,” “peace” and “intelligence.” How much filthier can you get?

I would also say that the commandment often counted as thou shall not lie, is actually about oaths too. It is more about falsely accusing your neighbor in a court like setting.

Great minds, bro, great minds. *fist bump*

@ Kevin Alexander: I think Rand did that to herself.

among other things

“He used profanity liberally”

‘That Nicolae can… eat my cookie!’

Sorry, I may have mis-spoke my self. I meant people like L&J. If authors are writing for delicate people, or for children, or in a genre, like romance (capital-R Romance, eg. Mills and Boon[e?]), in which a person saying a F word would jar, then there are ways of avoiding it which don’t make your readers think ‘oh for blank-sake, would they not just say the word.’ So I should have said ‘these people’ rather than a blanket ‘people.’ Or perhaps ‘thriller writers’ – as someone said a while ago, a rude word rather pales in comparison to someone dying as unpleasantly as your one in Jerusalem did a few pages ago. Or ought to.

EJohnson wrote: “might have made more sense because I don’t think “over 50″ and “youthful”, don’t go together very well.”

They probably mean it in the sense “a youthful 59″, meaning that the person has energy and a spring in their step, etc, as opposed to being worn out. Somewhat younger than their chronological age, in other words. Spry.

If you watch “Cops” you’ll see plenty of people (the perps) who are probably quite a bit younger than they appear to be. The winos I see in Cambridge, MA probably look 15 years older than they really are.

“Fitz wants to see you, and I’ve got to be sure I bring him the right guy.”

Isn’t there a story about John Kennedy walking into some kind of function? All around him, people trying to seem like they had his ear or were buddies with him greeted him: “Hi, Jack!” “How ya doing Jack?” His own brother, who had the right if anyone did to call him Jack, shook his hand and greeted him with a dignified and tasteful “Good evening, Mr. President” thus effortlessly outclassing the overly familiar schmoozing boors.

Apparently dignity, tastefulness and class are among the many things ellenjay have never stopped to consider. I have a hard time imagining a member of the Secret Service describing the President to a member of the public as “Fitz” but being overly familiar with the President’s name is the only way ellenjay can think of to imply this particular serviceman has access to the President. You show that you’re the GIRAT by constantly trumpeting how awesome you are and you show that you hang out with important people by constantly calling them by golf nicknames.

The original rendering was more ‘shalt not bear false witness’, wasn’t it? I think ‘shalt not lie’ was the result of the same sort of modernisation/vernacularisation that turned ‘shalt not murder’ into ‘shalt not kill’. (Not that I have much problem with that one.)

” So Fitz’s party is never named, obviously Democratic or he wouldn’t have been left behind.”

He’s probably Catholic. Therefore, left behind.

“Who’s asking” seems like a pretty reasonable response when a government martinet demands information without showing ID.

“Secret Service, and you know it” is pretty rude for a secret serviceman. I’d imagine that since there job is to turn away diplomats and heads of state, they are probably trained to be polite, like the bouncers at the nicest of nightclubs. OTOH, maybe they take out their agression on the press.

Got a citation cor that, Coyote? Sounds interesting.

I’[m mystified by the popularity of that film…its dreadful!

If authors are writing for delicate people, or for children, or in a genre, like romance (capital-R Romance, eg. Mills and Boon[e?]), in which a person saying a F word would jar, then there are ways of avoiding it which don’t make your readers think ‘oh for blank-sake, would they not just say the word.’

L&J are writing for delicate people. They’re writing for the RTC subculture and at least in the US you don’t get any more delicate than that.

“Who’s asking” seems like a pretty reasonable response when a government martinet demands information without showing ID.

Sure, this is totally reasonable—in the AU where Buck is not a total ass and the purpose of the Secret Service is to limit your Freedom! just for the hell of it.

Yes on both counts.

The secret service are cops like any other. They don’t deserve additional deference. An officer of the law is required to identify himself.They also have a much broader mandate than just protecting the president.

I actually have had some run ins with the SS, during protests against Bush Quayle. I never had to say “who’s asking” because they were always polite and always followed the minimal protocol of identifying themselves.

The purpose of the Secret Services is not to limit your Freedom just for the hell of it. The purpose of the secret service is to limit your freedom towards a specific end.

Does anybody remember Steve Jackson Games? They don’t exist anymore, because the Secret Service seized all of their computers, because some employee may have been hacking. Or making jokes about hacking. Or thinking about hacking.

The authors can write good and evil. They can write it quite well. The example that springs to mind is in book 11. Rayford comes to New Babylon, currently suffering from a plague of darkness. It’s more than just darkness. It hurts*. When he walks along the tarmac he sees it littered with the writhing bodies of those god is punishing there. One woman desperately attempt to pray, though she doesn’t know how. God continues to torture her.

I’d say that the authors have a pretty good portrayal of evil and horror there. The writing is still clunky, the description is still lacking, but I think its hard to argue that they haven’t done a good job of portraying evil. It isn’t just there, pick any point in the series, look at the character of god, he’ll be as evil as can be.

Rayford doesn’t stay on the tarmac. Inside he meets Krystall, who is one of the best examples I can think of of L&J portraying good. Krystall is Nicolae’s secretary. Ray has some fun tormenting her. It’s awful. Krystall is damned, her family is damned with one exception. Her uncle hasn’t taken the mark, and she’s proud of him.

She’s already going to hell and she fully believes that escaping Nicolae is impossible. She has nothing left to gain in the world. Yet she helps where she can and is eventually murdered in retaliation for that. (We think.) She’s a truly selfless character who does the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. I can’t see her as anything other than a character who is good.

So it seems to me that L&J can write good and evil, they just have a habit of mislabeling them as damned and good.

-

*A description:

I don’t know how to describe it. Cramps, I guess. A headache like nothing I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some doozies…

And it feels as if I’m carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, pressing on my spine. My hips hurt, my knees, ankles, feet. Like your arthritis, I suppose. But, Mom, I’m thirty-six years old. I feel like I’m seventy-five…. Yes, I’m eating. I feel my way back to my apartment and I can manage, but when I lie down, I want to sleep for a hundred years. But I can’t…. Well, because of the pain! No position relieves it. It’s like this darkness itself is pushing on me and causing all this…

Later she talks with Rayford, this is how it ends:
Ray: “Who knows the mind of God?”
Krystall: “I’m starting to, sir.”
“How’s that?”
“This hurts. It hurts worse than the pain from the darkness. Just learned it too late, I guess, that you don’t mess with God.”

Um – Steve Jackson Games still exists, and seems to be doing reasonably well for a game company (recently got a license to publish a Star Trek supplement for GURPS, based on what I saw at the store on Saturday). They sued the Secret Service and won.

“I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse”
That would be “the Star Wars prequels”.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal, and tip your waitress!

Seriously though, this is another great missed opportunity.

*****
Cameron was sipping his Pepsi at the hotel bar when C.J. Craig slid up behind him. A tall, thin woman, the president’s press secretary was definitely a looker, but she had a sharp mind and a sharp tongue for anyone who crossed her. She whispered in his ear, and then quickly slid away, out of the bar.

“Upstairs. Room 458. Fitz wants a word.”

It was clever, Cameron had to admit. The press secretary was an attractive woman, and with most reporters being men, there had been a fair number of rumors about indescretions. The reality, Cameron had learned, is that such a reputation made for a very effective smokescreen, getting reporters access to the president without attracting much notice. Well, it had been, until Maddow had gotten an invite. Then the rumors became really salacious.

At the door, he was stopped and frisked by very serious looking men in suits with earpieces before being allowed in. The room was dim; the drapes were shut, and the smell of bourbon hung in the air. President Fitzhugh was a Southerner, and a real S.O.B. to boot. (In the sense that it sometimes that stood for Swell Old Boy, to quote Heinline) The president was seated, ignoring the muted television set nearby, staring seemingly at nothing.

“Buck. Sit down and let me pour you a drink.” His voice had less gravel than a rural driveway, but it was rougher than when he took office six years prior.

“No thanks, Fitz.”

The president snorted.

“That’s right. You don’t partake. Don’t even bother ordering club soda, the shorthand for ‘recovering alcoholic’. Soda pop, isn’t it?”

“That’s right, sir, but I’m not thirsty. What did you want to talk about?”

The president slumped slightly in his chair, and Buck took a moment to take in the scene. Here was the president of the United States, hours before a historic treaty signing, and he was sitting in a darkened room, drinking alone.

“This is off the record, Buck. You can put it in your memoirs after you retire, but none of this leaves this room until then.” Buck nodded, and walked across the room to the other chair and sat. The president took a long drink from his glass.

“This must be how the monarchs of Europe felt during the Enlightenment, how they feel now. From sovereign ruler, with the power of life and death in their hands, turned into parade marshals and pagent queens. Wave to the crowd, pose for pictures, but at the end of the day, I’ve got no more power over the country than Mickey Mouse has over Disneyland.”

“Sir?” Buck wondered just how much the president had been drinking before he arrived. The smell was in the air, but the president’s eyes held their usual keen glint, and though his Southern drawl was a bit thicker than usual, his speech seemed clear and purposeful as usual.

“It’s not just the plane, Buck. Hell, anyone can trick out a plane and repaint it. It’s the whole thing, the ten global districts and the disarmarment. Just like that, I’ve gone from ruler of the greatest nation on Earth to a theme-park mascot. Nearly everyone is so moonstruck by Carpathia that they haven’t even noticed. Nearly everyone…”

“It figures it would be the militias. They spend all this time shouting about being the real patriots, and when the chips are down, they’re the only ones who notice. They’re not going to comply with the U.N. disarmarment orders. And I’m not sure they should.”

Buck had been growing increasingly uncomfortable. It felt wrong, overly personal, almost intimate hearing the president unburden himself like this. It was like seeing his father weep; Buck felt a mix of unease and revulsion.

“Sir, why are you telling me all this? Off the record or not, why tell me?”

The president looked over with a small, sly smile.

“A little birdie tells me you might be taking a position in the new global media empire. A fairly high-up position where you wouldn’t just be deciding on the tone of the news coverage, but actually picking what stories were even being covered. People love news about Carpathia, about repainted fancy planes and treaty signings. But stories about patriots, even those who love their country, defying the law, stocking up on weapons… well, you couldn’t call them ‘patriots’, not on Carpathia’s network. So maybe it’s best that we stick to pictures of the mid-day Moustcateer parade, and not talk about the dirty work being done behind the scenes, eh Buck?”

Oh, OK, my bad. I got out of RPGs a long time ago. But I remember the Secret Service doing some really bad stuff back then.

For the record, I have a lot of respect for the Secret Service, but they are not always the good guys and if a guy wearing a Secret-Police costume comes over and says “Joe Smith?” in a terminator voice, allowing his scary outfit to substitute for an introduction and a display of id, its going to raise my hackles. And it should raise yours. The police serve a valuable function, but need to be kept on a tight leash. Part of that leash is the people insisting on protocol.

Lori’s statement about “what kind of tool talks back to a man that would take a bullet for the president” sounds like the kind of thing Glenn Beck would say.

About Steve Jackson Games,

I haven’t been there in a while, but I frequented their In Nomine board well after the Secret Service thing happened, and a quick trip to their site shows that they updated their news page today.

I’d say they’re still around.

Here’s mine:

I’d like to believe his monkeys are pure and that this is the last step towards death, but it’s the amazons that make me sweaty.

This hurts. It hurts worse than the pain from the darkness. Just learned it too late, I guess, that you don’t mess with God.”

Wow. Not God the father, not God the shepherd, not even God the distant but fond creator. But god the abusive boyfriend by way of mafia boss. “Well if you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have to punish you. Be a real shame if something happened to this planet of yours.”

This is close to the image of God I got as a JW and a big part on why I’m soured on most organized religion. I’m very grateful for places like this that fight for the idea that god is not your pimp, slapping you for not bringing enough souls to him. That if there is a god he is kind and mericiful.

@Chris I loves me some West Wing so I adored that bit. Allison Janey is terrific, I’d love to see her in the LB universe. I suspect she’d have kneed Buck and Rayford in the groin before noon.

So it seems to me that L&J can write good and evil, they just have a habit of mislabeling them as damned and good.

Fair point, and ouch, that is horrific.

I guess what I mean is: L&J seem able to write supernatural horror and evil, and I suppose, in the case of Krystall, human goodness. They seem to fall flat when it comes to writing supernatural goodness. I don’t know whether that’s because the God they believe in is entirely punishment and abuse, or because the God they believe in just saves up all of his good things for the people who already got raptured up (i.e., them).

I also haven’t seen them yet write anything like convincing human evil. The humans we’ve seen are either ineffectual buffoons or vague shapes in the distance– Stonagal may have had people killed, but we only get that by implication. Nicolae is just confusing.

Do they, at some point, write a human character who does evil things in a way that makes sense?

(Or does that fall under the broader question of ‘do they ever write anyone, ever, who does anything in a way that makes sense?’)

Reminds me of how Carrot Ironfoundersson is able to pronounce “d*mn”.

I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive. And somehow he’s succeeded in making me look like his sycophant.

I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present… President Fredo.

They’re still around. These days apparently most of their revenue comes from the various “Munchkin” card game products. Original Munchkin, Munchkin Cthulhu, expansion sets, etc.

Lori’s statement about “what kind of tool talks back to a man that would take a bullet for the president” sounds like the kind of thing Glenn Beck would say.

I think you’re reading too much into my statement and over-reacting. A lot. So we’ll just chalk this one up to mileage varying.

For the record, I have a lot of respect for the Secret Service, but they are not always the good guys and if a guy wearing a Secret-Police costume comes over and says “Joe Smith?” in a terminator voice, allowing his scary outfit to substitute for an introduction and a display of id, its going to raise my hackles. And it should raise yours. The police serve a valuable function, but need to be kept on a tight leash. Part of that leash is the people insisting on protocol.

Buck is not dealing with an SS agent investigating hacking or counterfeiting or the President’s political opponents. The agent is a member of the security detail and and Buck knows that (“Buck saw an American Secret Service agent making a beeline toward him.”)

Buck is not experiencing a reasonable raising of hackles or keeping the police on a lease or fighting the power or any such thing. He’s just acting like an ass, as usual.

Wasn’t there a villain in The Truth who said “—-ing” a lot?

but you know, “prophecy says”

Oooh — with a Richard Dawson voice that really works!

Richard Dawson: We’ve asked 100 readers of the Left Behind series what the major prophesies we’d be seeing at the End Times. The top seven answers are on the board.

O.K., Palin family, you’re up! Todd, as head of the household and member of the Wasilla Bible Church, you’ll know all about this topic. O.K., name a prophesy!

Todd: Uh, earthquakes?

Richard: Prophesy says…!

X <bzzt>

Richard: No, Todd. That’s a sign leading up to the End Times, but it didn’t make our survey *at* the End Times, I guess. Sarah, you’re well-read. What do you say?

Sarah: Oh, I don’t want to be all complainy and all, but I’m pretty darn sure that bein’ attacked by the lame-stream media is a biggie!

Richard: O.K., show me lame-stream media attacks!

X X <bzzt>

Richard: Oh, dear. No, if I remember correctly, all media is indeed to be controlled by the Antichrist, but there wouldn’t be a whole lot of attacking going on. All, right, Bristol. How you doing? You have your thumb on the pulse of today’s dancing youth. What are they worried that’s going to happen?

Bristol: I do know, Richard, and it’s clear — baby makin’!

Richard: I do believe you might be on to something, there. Prophesy says…!

<ding ding> WHORE HATTIE/BABYLON — 28

Richard: Yes! The number two answer had to do with that slut, Hattie. Well done, Bristol. That’s 28 points to the Palin Family. So, Piper, can you carry the momentum forward? Give me a propshesy!

Piper: Shopping…! Uh, I mean there won’t be no shopping no more?

Richard: Huh. That would be pretty traumatic, but is it on the board?

X X X <bzzt>

Richard: And no! I guess people’s lives wouldn’t be much disrupted, after all. Sorry, Palins! Hello, there, Duggar Family! You have a chance to take those 28 precious points and win the game. You up to it? All righty, Jim Bob, apart from someone naming all their kids starting with the letter ‘J’, give me a prophesy!

Jim Bob: Well, as it just so happens, I’ve just finished reading Kingdom Come, Richard, and I happen to know that biggest and best prophesy has to do with steaming piles of fresh produce, drenched in butter. Yum!

Richard: Hey, that would be really something! So, for the game, prophesy says…!

<ding ding> STEAMING PILES — 13

Richard: And the Duggars have pulled it out, uh figuratively, of course, for 13 more points and the game!

“I’m a strong guy, a strong leader, decisive.”Nobody who has ever said this has actually been this.

Reminds me of a Maggie Thatcher quote, from the first year of her premiership, about having power:

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are – then you ain’t!”

What it reminds me of is a man I recently encountered who was very sure to drop the phrase “I’m a feminist” into conversation several times. I am sure he did this because on some level, however unconscious, he was aware that the way he was behaving towards the women in the group, and the way he spoke about women in general, was not going to do the job of getting this self-descriptive factoid across to us.

(Given that this was a writing group, I’m rather annoyed I never felt free to say, “Hey, [name], show, don’t tell,” before he decided he wasn’t going to continue in the group.)

Wasn’t there a villain in The Truth who said “—-ing” a lot?

Yes. It may actually have been “f—ing”.

I discovered this roughly two chapters (er, well, Pratchett-standard “chapters”, you know) after my husband and I decided this would be our next read-aloud-together book, and I would be the read-alouder. I had to get pretty good at insinuating the first syllable, but I think I did passably well by the end.

Phone calls and phone calls and phone calls and phone calls
Phone calls and phone calls and phone calls and phone calls
Phone calls and phone calls and phones that can ring
These are a few of my favorite things!

o gods yes WIN

The knock you hear at the door shortly will be Publisher’s Clearing House to award you with one (1) internet in color and style of your choice. Just as soon as I can stop randomly chortling at this in order to get on the horn and send them over.

First off, Wasn’t there a villain in The Truth who said “—-ing” a lot?

At the other board TRiG produced this quote, “I HATE —-ing wizards!’ ‘You shouldn’t —- them, then,’ muttered one of his henchmen, effortlessly pronouncing a row of dashes.”

-

Now then, because what the world needs is more random. Or something like that.

“Hello Cameron, care for a drink?”
“I don’t drink, Fitz.” It was a fairly simple test, one that never destroyed the informal mood the way, “Is this off the record would.” If this was a meeting between President and reporter, then Fitzhugh would indicate Williams had been presumptious, if this was a meeting between Fitz and Cam, he’d respond in the usual way.
“Can’t stomach it, Cam?”
“I never liked the taste.” Cam sat at the table and the conversation took off.

They covered everything. From the bizarre way Nicolae seemed to have taken over the world without anyone raising an eyebrow, to the fact that he somehow got a civilian made pilot of Air Force One with no one, least of all the Air Force, thinking it was strange. At one point Fitz said, “It doesn’t make sense, the big things, the little things. The forest, the trees. It’s like a birch grove full of pine cones.”

Cameron considered teasing, but reminded himself of two things. First was that, friend or not, the man was the President of the United States. The second was that he had once written, to his continuing shame, “to say that the Israelis were taken by surprise is like saying the Great Wall of China is long.”

Finally Fitzhugh asked Cam what he thought. Cameron wriggled uncomfortably in his chair and looked around the room.

“Do I have to remind you that this is off the record?”

Cameron took a deep breath, then said, “I believe that he his the antichrist empowered by Satan to take over the world and if he is allowed to sign the treaty in a little under three hours no power on this earth will be able to stop him.” Cameron tried to read the President. Had he just convinced his most powerful friend that he was delusional?

Fitz considered what he had heard for a full minute. Finally he said, “Well then we’d better get to work on stopping him.”

-

2 hours and 43 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 2
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.01

Cameron: “Fitz, much as I might want to, we can’t simply kill him.”
Fitzhugh: “You’re sure about that Cam?”
Cameron: “When someone tried to kill one of the witnesses he was incinerated before my eyes and the stone on which he walked melted into glass. That’s the power given to two people whose only role is to stand around repeating the same tautology for three years. Nicolae’s role is to rule the world. He must have better defenses than they do.”

-

2 hours and 40 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Michael, secret service agent.
Words to recruitment: 6
Could you come in here, please?

-

2 hours and 37 minutes until planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: 3
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.09

Michael: “You could try to assassinate the Israelis.”
Cameron: “What?”
Michael: “I don’t mean actually try, I mean look like you’re trying. Everyone knows that you’ve joined Nicolae’s staff.”
Cameron: “I haven’t-”
Fitzhugh: “Cam, the important thing is that the Israelis think you have. If you start shooting it might kill the treaty.”
Cameron: “Or Nicolae kills me himself and they’re closer than they ever were.”

-

2 hours and 33 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Janice, press secretary.
Words to recruitment: 6
We’re going to get the bastard.

-

2 hours and 14 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 6
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.12

Jacob: “We could blow it up.”
Cameron: “What?”
Jacob: “The temple mount, the dome of the rock, the wailing wall, all of it.”
Fitzhugh: “Your solution is terrorism.”
Jacob: “We load up GC1 with explosives and fly it into the temple mount. Israel would never make a deal with the Global Community after that.”
Janice: “The temple mount is made of rock, it would be like flying a plane into a pyramid, it wouldn’t do anything.”
Fitzhugh: “Is that true?”
Jacob: “It doesn’t matter if it’s true. We wouldn’t need damage. The image would be enough.”
Janice: “I can’t believe we’re discussing this.”
Cameron: “It wouldn’t work.”
Jacob: “What?”
Cameron: “When Russia attacked their planes were all destroyed at altitude yet the fuel tanks landed on the ground unharmed ripe for harvest. We can’t count on getting anything through a supernatural air defense like that.”

-

2 hours and 4 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 13
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.2

Fitzhugh: “How the hell can it be so hard to create an international incident?”
Janice: “Well, we’ve never tried to cause one on purpose before.”

-

1 hour and 53 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 17
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.265

“Sex scandals take time. We don’t have any time.”

-

1 hour and 42 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 19
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.346

Cameron: “We can’t get out of this by making Isreel look bad. He doesn’t care about Israel and doesn’t intend to honor the treaty anyway. For him it’s a deal with God. I’ll play by your rules for seven years, if you give me seven years to build up my army.”
Michael: “So are we fighting God too?”

-

1 hour and 39 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Anna, Religion Editor for the Seaboard Monthly
Words to recruitment: 3
He killed Eric.

-

1 hour and 34 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 21
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.56

Anna: “I understand that, but we can’t ignore the fact that God is giving us this chance to stop it. He doesn’t need to do that. Maybe you could argue that it’s some kind of test of faith, but as far as I’m concerned it’s simple: God’s giving us an opportunity, we should take it.”

-

1 hour and 15 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 25
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.6

Bob: “We could steal it.”
Anatole: “Steal it?”
Bob: “We just start a ruckus somewhere else and snatch the treaty.”
Cameron: “Have you seen the treaty, it’s about the shortest treaty in the history of the world. It’s one page. They could print off another copy.”
Anna: “Hell, they don’t need to print one off, they could write it by hand. ‘Next seven years, me no kill you, you no kill me.’”

-

52 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 28
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.8

“We are not firing laser beams from the moon.”
“We couldn’t do it in time anyway.” Pause. “What?”

-

48 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 28
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.85

Fitzhugh: “Are you sure that you don’t want a drink?”
Cameron: “How much of it do I have to endure before I’m drunk?”

-

27 minutes to planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: 30.
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 1.0

Fitzhugh: “Fuck it.”
Michael: “Sir?”
Fitzhugh: “Fuck it all. If we’re going to to this we’re going to do it right, so this is the shit we are going to pull.”

-

One hour thirteen minutes after planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: as many as would fit on the now hijacked Global Community One which is in flight with Credence Clearwater Revival’s Up Around the Bend blaring over the speakers, Nicolae Inn of the Six Mountains having been dropped somewhere over mid Adriatic.
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.0

Cameron: “Fitz said, ‘Wahoo.’”
Anna: “Wahoo?”
Cameron: “Wahoo.”
Anna starts to write something.
Cameron: “That’s off the record. Whenever I call the President ‘Fitz’ iz off the record.”
Anna: “You are such a suck up.”
Cameron: “I’ll have you know that I’m,” there was turbulence and Cameron fell over backwards. “I’m the greatest journalist investigative of all time.” He shook his head. “I’m the time investigative journalist of all greatest.” He shook his head again. “I’m the most journalistic investigation of all the greatest.” After a pause he added, “Time.”

“I HATE —-ing wizards!’ ‘You shouldn’t —- them, then,’ muttered one of his henchmen, effortlessly pronouncing a row of dashes.”

Mr Tulip! Who explained what a virginal was:

“So called because it was an instrument for –ing young ladies!”
“My word, was it? I thought it was just a sort of early piano!”

Does anybody remember Steve Jackson Games? They don’t exist anymore, because the Secret Service seized all of their computers, because some employee may have been hacking. Or making jokes about hacking. Or thinking about hacking.

This is Steve Jackson Games’ account of the Secret Service raid in 1990. The agents raided both SJG’s offices and the home of Lloyd Blankenship, who was corresponding with the computer underworld while he was researching GURPS Cyberpunk.

From the story (warning! Not unbiased!):

While reality-checking the book, Loyd Blankenship corresponded with a variety of people, from computer security experts to self-confessed computer crackers. From his home, he ran a legal BBS which discussed the “computer underground,” and he knew many of its members. That was enough to put him on a federal List of Dangerous Hoodlums! The affidavit on which SJ Games were raided was unbelievably flimsy . . . Loyd Blankenship was suspect because he ran a technologically literate and politically irreverent BBS, because he wrote about hacking, and because he received and re-posted a copy of the /Phrack newsletter. The company was raided simply because Loyd worked there and used its (entirely different) BBS!

recently got a license to publish a Star Trek supplement for GURPS, based on what I saw at the store on Saturday

Technically, it’s a supplement for Star Fleet Battles, which is an AU and an alternate license from Star Trek — it spun off in the early 80s, and so you won’t find any Picard/Sisko/Janeway/Archer stuff in it. The last folks I know of who had the actual Star Trek license were Decipher, who had a decent system.

GURPS is one of their products, but their Munchkin card game seems to be much, much more popular.

@Chris the Cynic, Wonderful! I love when people make the characters in these books likeable, even seemingly hopeless cases like Buck. In a few paragraphs you’ve turned one of the most raging douchebags in letters into a helpful, heroic team member. Adorably drunk and addled by the end of it.

I’d like to imagine Chloe in this scenario. This time she’s the brainy and helpful Stanford student. Her and Buck are equals and geuninely care about each other, and actually sleep together before Buck has to jet off to another dangerous assignment. Leaving Chloe to lead the raid on Nicolae’s Wheaton Re-Education Center and rescue those inside.

Just “—-ing”, except they used that weird dash that covers several letter-widths. If I recall correctly, Miss Cripslock adopted it, thinking, “I’m not sure what it means but it feels good to say! —-ing! —-ing!”

Brilliant!

Chris: Good story, except for one nagging detail. CJ would NEVER refer to the president as Fitz.

Why is Buck such a DICKWEED? Jeeze!

I was waiting for a ‘Great Caeser’s Ghost!” a la Perry White in the old George Reeves Superman TV show.

My favourite disaster movie is “Last Night” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156729/), which may not involve Canadian decision-makers, but rather, a distinct lack of them (as a few ordinary people’s lives cross over in the last hours remaining at the end of the world). Highly recommended- like The Road in that the disaster is never specified, and it just deals with the reactions people make when they know they’ve got no more consequences or judgements.

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are – then you ain’t!”
This quote being attributed to Margaret Thatcher, I wondered… Prime Minister Thatcher, being well educated and very English, wouldn’t be the person to say “Ain’t”. So, I looked it up, and she did say something similar.
“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people that you are, then you aren’t.”

Such misquotes are a hobby of mine. A Confederate cavalry commander was once asked how he won his battles, and being a well educated man, answered “I endeavor to arrive first with more men than the enemy.” and was deliberately misquoted by a newspaper as saying “I gets there firstest with the mostest!”

“I endeavor to arrive first with more men than the enemy.” and was deliberately misquoted by a newspaper as saying “I gets there firstest with the mostest!”

General Forrest, naturally.

Just to cap off (possibly) the discussion of Mr Tulip and his incredibly versatile —ing, I think it’s worth noting this was only ‘censorship’ in a fourth-wall kind of way. When someone does get around to cautiously asking why Mr Tulip keeping saying “ing”, it’s explained that he has a speech impediment. The degree to which people understand what he’s trying to say obviously varies, from Miss Cripslock’s curiosity to the henchman’s “Don’t — them, then”, but this being Discworld, the pure force of intent makes it very clear to everyone that —ing is a word of wrath.

My absolute favorite line of X-Men dialogue:

“Bobby! Something’s smashing thru the wall! Grasping me with steely tendrils!” –the Beast, in the first appearance of the Sentinels.

I do remember SJG. It was GURPS Cyberspace that got them in trouble supposedly. But they’re still around. Or else I have no idea who I paid all that money to for all the Munchkin expansion packs.

Anyway my only experience with the SS was during the protest against the republican national convention in Manhattan in 2008. All kinds of protests were going on by all manner of small and large groups. One of the labor rights groups was protesting a Starbucks on 34th street and two SS agents hung in the back, watching, chatting to each other. They were extremely calm and curious. Very interested in what was going on. The giveaway–besides the sunglasses and earpieces–was the lanyard each wore around his neck which had U.S. Secret Service written in big white letters.

Nice guys, actually.

Except that L&J don’t know how to write evil.

but they do, they just call it Good

Gah. RNC NYC was 2004. I am an idiot. Apologies.

Yes, General (CSA) Nathan Bedford Forrest, war criminal, racist, slaveowner, and founder of the KKK.
But I’m sure he had his *bad* points.

Secret Service Comment and Anecdote

The SS* are a large organization, and like all such have thier sinners and saints. The Presidential Protection Detail (and other bodyguard types) are very professional, selected from the very best they have. Other groups… not so much.

In 1986, my ship was assigned as ‘backup’ for President Reagan’s visit to Indonesia. The SS who came aboard impressed me with thier thoroughness, having contingency plans for everything imaginable. They integrated themselves well with the crew and our marines, with a clear understanding of who would do what. I admire the PPD.

*Unfortunate Acronym.

That’s a great quote. Reminds me of Bruce Lee: “Throw your best technique with your best hand, and throw it first.”

I was actually under the impression that all Secret Servicemen rotated throught the PPD. (Full disclosure, I wanted to join the SS when I was a kid.)

To be fair, the fact that Hank talked oddly was part of his character concept.

That’s true. Bartlett made his own priest call him “Mr. President”.

It was an interesting quirk of the show, that even that they were intimate friends, were liberals, and had known him before he was president, they adhered to protocol. It the priest episode, Bartlett explained why, it reminded him that he was acting not as Jed Bartlett the man, but as the POTUS.

I’m now curious if there have been any presidents who were addressed by their nicknames.

Forrest was a slave trader as well. But I don’t recall that he was well educated. Probably just adequately for the times.

Damn! Dingety-blast it all to heck and tarnation, chris the cynic, but you are the finest revisioner of Jenkinsalia of all time. OF ALL TIME!

I was actually under the impression that all Secret Servicemen rotated throught the PPD. (Full disclosure, I wanted to join the SS when I was a kid.)

No, only select agents ever work on the PPD and being chosen is a huge deal.

My error. I assumed as a wealthy Southron slave owner, he had a formal education. Wiki says he was ‘self-educated’.

For the full story on the raid on Steve Jackson Games, along with the story on the entire Secret Service operation going on at the time, I’d recommend The Hacker Crackdown by Bruce Sterling. It was his first major foray into nonfiction.

For anyone interested in the PPD, this article in The Atlantic was interesting: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/03/inside-the-secret-service/8390/

As long as we’re plugging Steve Jackson Games, allow me to recommend their card-game Illuminati. It’s a very fun game for 3-6 people to connive, backstab, lie, and Take Over The World.

(Also, it’s indirectly responsible for me joining the Church of the SubGenius – their address was in the rules of one of the earlier editions.)

All this talk about reporters and presidents has me thinking how much more entertaining these books would be if Buck Williams was replaced by Spider Jerusalem.

“If God does it, it can’t be evil. That’s a joke, by the way.”
-Carparthia

Heh: I’ve got the original Illuminati, the collectible New World Order edition, Munchkin, Munchkin Cthulhu, Star Munchkin, and somewhere around 50-60 GURPS books (3rd and 4th editions).

And my copy of the Principia Discordia? Also published by SJG.

Heh: I’ve got the original Illuminati, the collectible New World Order edition, Munchkin, Munchkin Cthulhu, Star Munchkin, and somewhere around 50-60 GURPS books (3rd and 4th editions).

And my copy of the Principia Discordia? Also published by SJG.

[Garth and Wayne]I am not worthy! I am not worthy![/Garth and Wayne]

All this talk about reporters and presidents

And creative swearing!

has me thinking how much more entertaining these books would be if Buck Williams was replaced by Spider Jerusalem.

That would be awesome.

Spider, of course, would mount a brilliant offensive against L&J’s God. Mostly by filing columns. (He’d be kind of the anti-Buck.) But if there’s anyone who would come up with something workable, it’d be him.

Fits in well with their idea of goodness being more about seeming pious and holy, than actually being a good person and treating others with respect, love or kindness…

It’s just Jenkins’ style… tell, don’t show…

Even when the line demands it.

^_^

The only picture I ever saw of a young Lyndon Johnson, he looked a lot like Major Frank Burns.

“That’s President Ferret-Face to you!”

Best. Google. Ad. Ever.

It’s currently trying to persuade me to click for “The Real Truth”, a “magazine restoring plain understanding” about EndTimes Bible prophecy.

Sadly I don’t think I dare click on it…

You know what would be better than spider jerusalem: some bloke who has slacktivist as a pen name and is a christian journalist and has a blog where he writes about theology and not the boring kind but the really awesome kind of theology.

You kow someone who tries to life by his principles and is always looking for God in his life and in the world around him.

Try to imagine how cool that would be to have left behind with as main character a christian journalis with an evagelican blog who had moved from typepad because he might be laid off.

That would be SO cool!!!!
don’t you think?

although the first thing I would think about if heard about a book like that: boring another christian apocalptican novel with somekind of mary-sue as main character.

I mean he has a blog where he talks about his believes and politics that would be as interesting as jounalist who is only talking on the phone with his significant other: somekind of other mary-sue who would be let me guess a pilot

Does anybody remember Steve Jackson Games? They don’t exist anymore

The Illuminati would like to have a word with you. Evil Stevie is alive and well and rubbing his hands with glee in the depths of Warehouse 23. =)

In the end, SJGames won that case. I don’t think they got all their gear back, but they did get an apology, and they survived and thrived after that.

Go ahead and click. It costs them money, and gives Patheos (and hence, Fred) a little.

You don’t have to READ it.

Which Frank Burns? Robert Duvall had the piety thing down well, but Larry Linville had such a wonderfully addled expression …

So of all the possible people for Fitz to confide in about how annoyed he is with Nicolae … he picks the reporter who has recently been in talks about a job … with Nicolae?

And, does anyone (but me) think that when the conversation turned to Carpathia, that Buck should have reminded Fitz that he might be going to work for him?

So, is the hotel room really “nondescript,” or did Jerry B. just not bother to describe it? And is there a difference, if it’s a fictional room in a fictional hotel? Not that it ought to be a fictional hotel; I would think that LaHaye, at least, was probably familiar enough with the interior of a luxury suite at the King David Hotel to help Jenkins out, if he hadn’t been there yet himself.

Well, given that Buck identifies as _opposed_ to Carpathia (leaving aside the question of what if any reality that self-identification is grounded in), it makes sense for him to encourage Carpathia-opponents to confide to him their opposition.

But, yeah, given that he _presents_ as aligned with Carpathia, it makes no sense for them to actually do so, in general.

Though, to be fair, one might expect a U.S. President to be exceptionally perspicacious. So if we swallow the premise of the book (that Buck _really is_ opposed to Carpathia), then I guess it makes _some_ sense for Fitz to see past his superficial allegiance to the guy and decide to come clean.

Though it would be nice to see some indication that this is what’s going on. Which would of course require Fitz to have some redeeming qualities.

All of that said, I suspect I’ve now given the question far more thought than the authors ever did.

Oh, there are plenty of nasty words in there. To start with, we’ve got: “model”, “world”, “intelligence”, “Global”, “Community”, “peace”, and… “but”.

Using random words from the dictionary (with adjustments for verb tense and plurals):

“I’d like to believe his bluebonnets are pure and that this is the last step toward certification, but it’s the sniffs that make me hydrolyze.”

…I’m sure whatever you came up with is better.

It just occurred to me that the title of this post sounds too much like a possibly GOOD movie title.

It should be called “Dude, Where’s My Plane?”.

SJG still exists. They have a website that was updated today. They’re still producing Munchkin, among others.

Which, of course, other people have already said. Sorry.

It isn’t the same story, actually it isn’t even close, but Eighteen Months Later* begins with Chloe suggesting the wisest course of action and ends with her getting a crossbow, even though she never appears in a scene itself.

Actually, as I recall what led to that was the post flowers-in-the-trash-walk. I kept trying to find a way to redeem the actual dialog and finally Buck** picked up a notepad and pencil and they started communicating that way, resolved the issue very quickly, and then, eventually, after Jenkins stopped looking, they had a conversation where they actually communicated about their relationship and finally vented.

Buck said he thought he was going to be doing actual reporting. Chloe said that she thought she was supposed to be an intelligent college student but instead she was reduced to sitting around crying. The conversation moved to how let down other people must be by what’s become of them (Rayford was incredibly creepy in the scene leading up to that, for example) and then reaching Nicolae (he signed on to be an evil overlord, pulling strings and making Xanthosian schemes, he ended up as Nicky The-Things-Hannibal-Took-Elephants-Over.) I never got that worked out into words, but 18 months later starts from the position that Buck thought he was supposed to be an intrepid reporter, Chloe thought she was supposed to be a brainy Stanford student, and both thought they were supposed to be action heroes.

She’s definitely going to be a hands on leader in the jellybean wars. Both figuring out overall strategy, and leading on the field (crossbow). I’m not sure if she’s the intellectual leader of the team, or if she and Buck are equals in that respect in this context, but she’s definitely not the lesser of them.

*The link is to Chris Doggett’s adaptation, a link to the original post is contained there (the original has more description, less audio-visual.)

** The reason that it was Buck who did this isn’t that he was a quicker thinker than Chloe or some such, it’s that Jenkins was making him say horrible, horrible things. He broke down and couldn’t bear to utter another line.

I presume these are meta-Buck and meta-Chloe?

Ohiolibrarian: I’m far more familiar with Larry Linville, and that was who I was referring to. Of course, the pea-patch backwoods Machiavelli from Texas was at least a competent politician…I rather doubt that Frank “Ferret Face” Burns could be elected if he ran without opposition.

I always wondered what a high-powered, hot woman like Major Houlihan ever saw in him. Mutual belief in the Army couldn’t make him less of what he was…and Houlihan, for all her faults, was a devoted nurse. She’d have no respect for a bad doctor.

I hadn’t even thought about it, but yeah. Didn’t Nicky give Buck all kinds of favours and put him on a special place on the podium for the signing? He’s indeed the least likely reporter to trust. Not to mention that, since the annoucement of the One World Media just happened, trusting a reporter makes even less sense than it already did. He’s now badmouthing Nicky not just to a someone who’s job it is to tell something like that to everyone including Nicky, but to someone who knows he’s going to have to please Nicky personally if he wants to KEEP that job. So now the criticism will not go to the general public but straight to Nicky’s office. Yep.

I don’t think I’m with Dave’s explanation. Fitz is only ‘exceptionally perspicacious’ in comparison to most non-RTC’s in Left Behind. He’s upset about losing a rather insignificant airplane, but that’s about the only reason he now feels a bit uncertain about giving his authority and army to the Anti Christ. Are we supposed to believe that Fitz did a check on Buck before inviting him in, but not on Nicky? No, he’s as blind as the rest of the sheep, we’re just encountering the sloppy writing where people like Stonegal become immune to Nicky’s mind mojo for no reason other than to give exposition.

And besides, it would be hard to find Buck’s anti-Nicky stance. Unlike Rayford’s inefficient preaching, Buck has only made his rebellion known to the Trib Force (smart idea) and to the Anti Christ himself (terrible idea). I don’t think he really bothered to tell anyone that he distrusts Nicky except to the people who told him not to trust him and to Nicky and his inner circle (Hattie, Steve). And if the CIA had been listening in to Nicky’s private conversations, Fitz should have discoved way, way better reasons not to trust Nicky by now

I have a image of Frank Burns Election HQ, with the look on Burns’, his wife, and his mother’s faces as they find out he lost to a write in candidate, “My Gawd, anybody but Ferret Face Burns”.

As for Major Houlihan, the character showed more development over the 11 year run than any other. The woman at the beginning of the series was shallow, easily manipulated, and of questionable morals and ethics. By the end of the series, she was what you described: High Powered, Professional, a believer in the Army, a devoted nurse, and probably wondering what she ever saw in Frank Burns, or Major whatsisname for that matter.

18 months later is composed of solid meta.

I was trying to see if I could rescue the dialog*, and what was revealed was that any attempt to get actual characters to say that stuff would result in the character going meta very fast.

I don’t remember exactly what line it was, there are so many awful lines, but I had come up with some sort of human Buck who would say some of the same things. (As I recall he was deeply insecure and very bad at personal conversation.) And I came to a line where it just stopped, because the character was one who could say extremely hurtful things without realizing it but he would never, ever say something as awful as whatever it was.

So the image I suddenly came up with was of him standing there in shock. Chloe had said her line, and thus couldn’t say anything else until he said his next line, but he didn’t want to open his mouth for fear of what might come out of it. So he was trying to figure out what to do next (possible because Jenkins gives no indication of pacing), and it suddenly he realized that there’s never any description of what he was doing, so he pulled out a notebook and wrote an apology.

Obviously by now I was in full meta territory, so I now had an image of metabuck going everywhere with notebook or laptop in hand writing/typing furiously to get his articles done even though Jenkins never gives him any time to do it, and as a result Buck started seeming like a much more heroic character.

Chloe, not being anywhere as awful, didn’t need nearly as much redemption, but when given a chance to communicate outside of Jerry Jenkins dialog started seeming much better. Unfortunately nothing was quite as memorable as imagining Buck in various scenes of Left Behind and Trib force doing whatever Jenkins had him doing while typing away on his laptop because the author may have forgotten he was a reporter, but he still had a deadline to meet, damn it.

-

* I’ve tried this various times, but only once actually completed such an attempt. It is here.

Just a little quibble, but how is it at all surprising that militia groups would oppose the OWG? Gun enthusiasts of all stripes are not going to be pleased at being told that they must give up all weapons for “world peace”, and if militia members in general are paranoid about excess governmental power, wouldn’t they be flipping their lids at the entire planet suddenly being taken over by one guy?

It seems militia members and pro-gun libertarians would be doing precisely what you would suppose the heroes of these books would be doing: opposing the Antichrist (even if they have no idea who he really is) on the grounds that he is a monster of governmental tyranny bent on world domination. I’d say it is one of the few realistic things in this wretched series – anti-government militias continue to be anti-government, and massive governmental takeover and disarmament is met with stiff resistance from them. Also adding in how many militia members are also heavily into survivalism, and they would logically form a guerrilla movement against the Global Community and do a much better job harrying Nicolae than the ivory tower types who would raise philosophical objections with no muscle behind them. There could have been some interest in forcing the major groups opposing Nicolae together, but alas, that would have required creativity and human curiosity.

Just a little quibble, but how is it at all surprising that militia groups would oppose the OWG?

I don’t think anyone is questioning that militia groups would oppose the OWG. That’s on the short list of reasons why they exist.

The issue is that most militias consider themselves to be Christians and by portraying them as being around to fight the OWG (i.e. not raptured) L&J are saying that they’re actually not. L&J are basically simultaneously insulting them and pandering to them, which is odd.

Pretty much what Lori said, the message is basically, “You all suck and you’re going to hell,” and, “You’re awesome. Totally awesome. Let me tell you how awesome you are.”

It seems rather odd to say both at once.

My understanding was that another problem people had with the American militia movement stuff was that, from how they were talked about, it sounded as though they were the only militia in the world opposing the OWG.

And, of course, there’s an even easier part to disarming the armies: discharge the soldiers. Weapons become increasingly useless if there’s no people to wield them. Which, of course, makes disarming and disposing of the actual weapons much harder: if you have a conscription army, there’s bound to be a lot of pressure (from within and from the public) to get the soldiers home by yesterday, and if you have a career army, there’s a lot of people who are going to be looking for more profitable jobs by yesterday, because *this* company is obviously doomed. If you mandate that people stay in the army to dispose the weapons, you get called a fascist warmonger slavedriver. If you turn the soldiers into civilian contractors, they’re not happy about the crappy wages.

In short: any sane army will start to disperse if they’re suddenly told they *can’t* wage war, not now or ever. For a book series that focuses on logistics, there’s surprisingly little here about, uh, logistics.

The authors’ main thematic concern in these books is the fictional vindication of Tim LaHaye’s Bible prophecies through the fictional depiction of those prophecies’ fulfillment. That means their narrative needs, like Emmerich’s, to provide as comprehensive a Big Picture as possible, supplying the protagonists and the reader with as much complete information as they can possibly cram in. The series is thus obliged to bring readers inside the halls of power, which is why most of this second book is preoccupied with the business of securing jobs for Buck and Rayford in which each will have constant, personal contact with the Antichrist.

Actually, this is because of the bad strategic decision Jenkins made in the initial outline:

Telling a story of literally cosmic scope using only the POVs of the two Author Self-Inserts.

Which means the Author Self-Inserts have to be everywhere, everywhen, whenever and wherever each and every Event on the Checklist (a checklist of literally global and cosmic scale) goes down. Only two characters (roving POVs, actually) who have to be Everywhere and Witness (TM) Everything. No wonder there’s so much as-you-know Idiot Conversations by telephone — it’s the only way to extend the two POVs’ reach.

That subject provides Jenkins the opportunity to even the scales a bit. Having just spent half a page extolling Buck’s praises as the greatest journalist in the world, he now has a chance to spend half a page praising Rayford as the world’s bestest pilot:

Because we all know Author Self-Inserts are Sooooooooo SPESHUL.

Just like Eragon from Eragon et al, Bella from Twilight et al, and Whatsherface from Maradonia and the Seven Bridges…

Whoa, Fred. Did you really have to quote so much swearing? We get it, he swears a lot. You made you point.

‘Cuz the halls of power really reverbrate with the comments about who flies the powerful around.

At least when it’s an Author Self-Insert.

Don’t forget “Godfrey Daniels”…

(Ah, Christianese Cussing…)

Hell, this series could have had both. One of the nice things about novels is that they grant you multiple POV characters if you wish.

But when you’ve already made the strategic-level decision to use your TWO Author Self-Inserts as the only POV characters for 16 volumes…

Jenkins has shown all the signs of being lazy with descriptions from Volume 1 Page 1. Why should he change now? Especially since he’s a Christian CELEBRITY?

Christianese Censorship Standards.

doubleplusungood ref doubleplusuncussing.

You know, this is just like the Thin Grey Ponytails Saaaving the Plaaanet in Sacramento.

Completely time-stopped in 1968, just like they’ve been sealed in Foreverware. Woodstock is Groovy, Man.

Must be some Baby Boomer generational thing.

And instantly my mind jumps to the robed priesthood of Cthulhu, cackling maniacally as their Great Old One returns to cleanse the world of unbelievers.

You are far from the first to make that analogy.