A Laodicean dessert

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(Patty Griffin, “Makin’ Pies“)

The tradition around here is that posts on contentious subjects ought to be quickly followed by a post on something decidedly not contentious — something widely appealing and nonpolitical.

Usually that means pie.

But today it means two pies. And not just two pies, but two pies in a cake.

This is a “picaken.”

Who knew that such glorious monstrosities existed? What immortal hand or eye dared framed its fearful symmetry?

I learned of picaken today from Jamie the Very Worst Missionary.

When she first encountered the idea of a picaken, she thought it was “ridiculous and honestly kinda gross.” So she wound up making one for her husband’s birthday.

I’m not sure that picaken will quite serve our need here for a non-contentious topic. There are cake people and there are pie people, and it may be that the only thing that can unite them is a shared dismay at this unholy … thing.

“And to the angel of the picaken write: You are neither pie nor cake. I wish that you were either pie or cake. So, because you are picaken, and neither pie nor cake, I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

 

 

 

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  • http://www.davetrowbridge.com/ Dave Trowbridge

    I’m pretty sure this is forbidden somewhere in Leviticus.

  • Lori

    That’s just not right. 

  • Tempus Vernum

    What hath culinary science wrought?

    Oh that a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a Heaven for?

  • Anonymous

    Thou shalt not take two perfectly innocent pies and cram them together inside a cake, for it is naughty in My sight. Nor shalt thou slather the resulting monstrosity with two inches of icing, it is an abomination. For lo, I have laid waste to whole cities for lesser trangressions than this. Nor shalt thou serve a “picaken” to thy spouse, nor thine offspring, nor thy bondsmen and handmaidens, nor to the stranger within thy gates, lest they rise up and smite thee. Verily, not even unto thy dog shalt thou serve it. Had I not seen it even with Mine own eyes, I should have proclaimed that no such monstrosity existed upon the earth, nor the waters of the earth, nor in the firmament. Even the Fallen One hath disclaimed all knowledge of it, yea, even he whose Infernal Biolabs produced the common cold.

    And the nations cried out upon him who brought them this forbidden knowledge of the picaken, saying, “For fuck’s sake Fred, couldn’t you have put that thing behind a warning?” And sales of eyeball bleach rose exceedingly.

  • Anonymous

    My suggestion is that we feed it to some preschoolers, set them loose on
    appropriately-outfitted treadmills, and let them work on generating green energy for a while.

    …..

    Er….  Or you could feed it to me, and I’ll take the appropriately-outfitted treadmill for a while… Am I the only one who wants to try a slice?

  • http://twitter.com/Rhysdux Rhysdux

    I would try it!

  • P J Evans

    I don’t know whether I’d want to try it, but as a baking project, it’s impressive.

  • Anonymous

    Okay now *that* is an unnatural abomination causing desolation if I ever saw one…

  • CQAussie

    I recoil.  And yet cannot look away.  Holy cats.

  • Lori

    I can’t stop looking at it either, and as a result I noticed that the flavor combos are backwards. The cherry pie should be in the chocolate cake and the apple should be the white cake. 

    I can’t believe I just said that. 

  • Anonymous

    I didn’t notice that there were two different cakes involved, as well as two different pies. It’s like something out of HP Lovecraft, the human mind reels away from the sight of it.

  • Lori

    It doesn’t help that people are talking about meat cake, which is making the frosting look a bit like mashed potatoes to me. 

  • Anonymous

    I suspect they were thinking in terms of color contrast, not flavor compatilbility.

    *ponders the moral implications*

  • http://deird1.dreamwidth.org Deird

    Not helped by the fact that my Aussie brain promptly assumes meat pie…

  • Tempus Vernum

    My kiwi brain thought that too, in fact a quick canvas of the office showed that everyone’s first thought was “meat pies?” and I had to quickly reassure them “no no, fruit pies.”

    of course our second thoughts were if you could put meat pies in some sort of meat cake.

  • Sgt. Pepper’s Bleeding Heart

    Ooh, what about a meat pie encased in a giant rissole?

  • Anonymous

    A coworker of mine actually made a meat cake. It was created of hamburger and carrot shreds, and lo, it was iced with mashed potatoes.

    (Edit: It was also delicious. He used a lot of garlic in the potato ‘frosting’ and it set off the meatloaf really well.)

    There was great confusion when this lovely creamy-iced cake was placed, not with the desserts, but with the entrees. I think its originator had to move it back three times.

    I think a picaken with meat cake surrounding meat pie would be pretty epic, but you’d be almost required to top it with bacon sprinkles.

  • Tempus Vernum

    I’m pretty sure a meat picaken could only involve midnight raids on the local butchers, lots of lightning and an angry lynch mob or two.

  • Anonymous

    Oh dear. That wasn’t the way that was intended to go at all.

    Meat for Peace! *parades*

  • Anonymous

    I had to look up “Laodicean” – it means “a person having a lukewarm attitude towards religious matters, referring to the early Christians of Laodicea (Revelation 3:14-16)”, which is where the spitting angel reference comes from. It would be pretty hard not to have an opinion about that…thing.

    ———–
    February is birthday month in our house (three out of the four of us). Hmmm… two pies, one cake, three birthdays, done!

  • http://twitter.com/Lyssiechan Lyssie

    I actually think it looks pretty good…

    Maybe not two pies, though. A single layer cake with one pie would do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Cule/100001621659800 Michael Cule

    I wonder in what way the ‘meat cake’ differed from cottage pie… But I am British and understand not these American customs…

    Another culinary thing I understand not is the McGriddle. Now there is an abomination and a desecration if ever I heard of one. Also a direct assault on the cholesterol levels.  

  • Anonymous

    Not particularly different from cottage pie, I think, save that it was dressed up like a cake. There was even dyed piping on top.

    I agree with you on the McGriddle. Those things are on par with the infamous Pig Nostril Scene. Bluh.

  • http://profiles.google.com/marc.k.mielke Marc Mielke

    It looks to me like the perfect dessert companion to the Turducken. 

  • http://twitter.com/FearlessSon FearlessSon
  • http://profiles.google.com/marc.k.mielke Marc Mielke

    Not as OTT as you might think:

    (From Wikipedia)

    rôti sans pareil (“roast without equal”)—a bustard stuffed with a turkey, agoose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler—although he states that, since similar roasts were produced by ancient Romans, the rôti sans pareil was not entirely novel.The final bird is very small but large enough to hold just an olive.

  • Kiba

    *Blink* What…I…**blink, blink……………..blink**

    Good lord. I can’t stop staring at that thing. Someone help me.

  • http://theitinerantmind.wordpress.com/ A. W.

    I would eat that before I would eat a turducken.  Looks delicious.  Now if only I could convince my wife that it was healthy…

  • http://theitinerantmind.wordpress.com/ A. W.

    I would eat that before I would eat a turducken.  Looks delicious.  Now if only I could convince my wife that it was healthy…

  • Anonymous

    The only thing that would make this better if it was deep fried, like a Twinkie.

    Or not.

  • Anonymous

    The only thing that would make this better if it was deep fried, like a Twinkie.

    Or not.

  • FangsFirst

    Whew. I’m glad I won’t be the first one saying, “Actually that looks kinda good.”

    And I haven’t even got a serious sweet tooth…

  • animus

    I at first read the headline as “Lacedaimonian.”

    “Madness? This is CAKE!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/jon.maki Jon Maki

    While I understand why it’s there (because of its culinary forebear, turducken, I assume), I’m most bothered by the “n.”  There is no “n” in “cake” or “pie.”
    It’s like when people add “oholic” to words to indicate that they’re “addicted” to something. 
    “I’m a chocoholic!” 
    “Really?  You’re addicted to chocohol?  What is chocohol?”
    Or, as Homer put it:

    “Oh, it’s true!  I’m a rageoholic!  I just can’t live without rageohol!”

  • FangsFirst

    What could you feasibly call it though? (I know! You said it’s understandable! But awkward, awful portmanteaus are an obnoxious thing of mine)

    Picakee? (I imagine this pronounced as “Pih-caak-ee”)
    Capike? (“Cah-pike” which sounds like the onomatopoeia for something dropping into water gone wrong at the last second?
    Maybe just Capieke? That looks…I don’t know, I feel like maybe a Greek word. Something about the “piek” is tickling a “language I’ve unconsciously gathered a ratio of letter formation probabilities for” part of my brain. Maybe I’m just thinking of capoeira. Which, yes, is Brazilian (and thus, I guess, Portugeuse? To Wikipedia…!)

  • hapax

    What could you feasibly call it though?…
    Picakee? (I imagine this pronounced as “Pih-caak-ee”)
    Capike? (“Cah-pike” which sounds like the onomatopoeia for something dropping into water gone wrong at the last second?
    Maybe just Capieke?

    I don’t know about anyone else, but from now on, my personal nickname for the AntiChrist will be Nicolae Picaken.

  • Amaryllis

    If you follow the “turducken” rule, working from outside in, it would have to be “capieke.” Pronounce cay-pike, I suppose.

  • P J Evans

     I’ve met cats that are cheesaholics. If there’s cheese in the area, they’re interested in getting it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jon.maki Jon Maki

    I’m not objecting to the concept, just the portmanteau.  The cats like cheese, not cheesohol.
    I mean, if “oholic” were the signifier of addiction, I would be a recovering alcoholoholic.

  • Anonymous

    Wicktionary tells me that the proper suffix is -maniac, which probably works best with bisyllabic roots. So you are a recovering dipsomaniac (congrats!); from the Greek word dipsa meaning “thirst”.

    BTW, the first meaning of alcoholic listed in my copy of Webster’s (real paper!) is “of, relating to, or caused by alcohol.”

    Since I’m not really a language geek and I actually had to do research for this comment, I must leave the construction of a more formal term for the unfortunate kitties to those more learned in such matters.

    :-)

  • http://www.oliviareviews.com/ PepperjackCandy

    It’s the workahol that worries me.

  • http://www.oliviareviews.com/ PepperjackCandy

    At least chocolate is fermented.  It’s the workahol that worries me.

  • http://www.oliviareviews.com/ PepperjackCandy

    It’s the workahol that worries me.

  • Anonymous

    Where is your God now?

  • Anonymous

    And yea, I beheld the Angel of the Lord break open the eighth seal, and there came forth a monstrosity from the infernal Kitchens of Satan, which seemed as though a cake had consumed two pies entire. And on the earth there was much wailing and lamenting, for verily wast this the greatest abomination in heaven or earth. And the diabetics fell to their knees and cried “Have pity upon us, LORD!”, for it contained seventy times seventy carbs, and as many again. And in that hour wast revealed to the commenters of the net which goes through all things that nay, some baked goods may indeed be terrible, though they are baked in the name of the LORD.

  • http://twitter.com/AbelUndercity Abel Undercity

    I need a big, BIG glass of milk.  Right now.  This piecaken is going down.

  • P J Evans

    run ‘cherpumple’ through your favorite search engine. Then be glad this isn’t one.

  • FangsFirst

    run ‘cherpumple’ through your favorite search engine.

    Oh…oh dear lord…

  • Ceri
  • Anonymous

    SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD! SENSORY OVERLOAD!

  • Anonymous

    Take THAT, Kirk Cameron! The picaken is a transitional form between the cake and the pie!

  • Anonymous

    Picaken, I choose you!

  • Ursula L

    Hmm…  I’ve seen  chocolate cake, cherry pie filling, and white icing combined in some of the cheaper/lazier “Black Forrest Cake” recipes.  Likewise, I’ve seen pie filling and yellow cake cubes in some of the cheaper/lazier “trifle” recipes.  

    The problem with this thing is that it seems to take the American habit of separating fruit desserts (pie) into a different category from cake desserts.  

    And the German half of my genetics screams that this is a false distinction.  Fruit and cake are proper companions to each other, when properly joined.  A good Black Forrest cake needs proper sour cherries, the right liqueur, etc.  A “torte board” of sponge cake topped with fresh fruit and glaze is a wonderful thing.  

  • Amaryllis

    The problem with this thing is that it seems to take the American habit
    of separating fruit desserts (pie) into a different category from cake
    desserts. 

    And the German half of my genetics screams that this is a false distinction.

    I don’t think that’s the problem. There’s nothing wrong with fruit-and-cake: I yield to no one in my love of a well-made Baltimore peach cake (yeast-raised cake, fresh peaches, and a light glaze). Of course, there was a lot of German immigration around here, so there’s that.

    No, the problem with this thing is the two different kinds of pastry. It’s pie crust and cake batter that occupy separate mental categories. Different techniques, different “mouth feel,” and both together seems excessively starchy.

    Also, were those chocolate and peanut-butter(?) chip thingies really necessary?

    I’ve seen  chocolate cake, cherry pie filling, and white icing combined
    in some of the cheaper/lazier “Black Forrest Cake” recipes.  Likewise,
    I’ve seen pie filling and yellow cake cubes in some of the
    cheaper/lazier “trifle” recipes.  

    I’m, um, not going to talk about the chocolate-cherry… thing… that my sister and I perpetrated recently. It was supposed to be a cake, but… yeah, let’s call it a trifle… no, it’s better not to talk about it.

    Is it wrong to wish for cake for breakfast, right now?

  • Lori

     
    No, the problem with this thing is the two different kinds of pastry. It’s pie crust and cake batter that occupy separate mental categories. Different techniques, different “mouth feel,” and both together seems excessively starchy.  

      

    Exactly. The problem definitely doesn’t reside with the fruit. Fruit & cake go together just fine and we eat plenty of it. The  main problem is the combination of cake & pie crust, made worse by the fact that the pie crust is certain to be soggy. I also don’t think getting a bite with both pie crust & frosting sounds tasty. Again, the textures aren’t meant to combine.

  • Anonymous

    There are cake people and there are pie people, and it may be that the only thing that can unite them is a shared dismay at this unholy … thing.

    Never! Death to the Cakite heretics! It is they who have wrought this unholy abomination, for the Pie is holy and perfect in and of itself. 

  • Sean K

    Ah, the latest chapter in the glorious history of foods-inside-of-other-foods.

  • Rikalous

    There is something wrong with this thing.

    I’ve got it! It needs ice cream to be complete.

    Where is your God now?

    I have seen the face of God, and it goes by the name “Picaken.”

  • Matri

    … I am now making it my life’s mission to finish a cherpumple!

  • cyllan

    It is possibly worth noting that I have seen a cherumple in the…flesh, so to speak.  I did not partake of it, but I was told that it was perfectly fine — mostly because you generally tasted “Pie” and then “cake” and then “pie.” I got the impression it was merely an efficient way of putting a small sliver of every offered dessert on your plate instead of a unique taste sensation in its own right.

  • rizzo

    Look everyone, the poster dessert for conspicuous consumption!  Why is it that every day I see at least one thing that makes me feel horrible about living in a “first world” country?

  • http://from1angle.wordpress.com emilyperson

    I would eat every culinary abomination in this thread.

  • Anonymous

    I turned this into my brain chew-toy for last night, and I agree that pie crust – which should be dry and crispy, imo – plus cake, which should be moist and heavy, is likely to be weird in the mouth.

    On the other hand, if it’s a very moist pie-dough (which is a pain to work, but the external appearance of the pie is sort of not a problem here) and made with butter instead of shortening, the flavors might not clash after all.

    I’m not sure. This may require experimentation.

  • http://thatbeerguy.blogspot.com Chris Doggett

    This would be a fine dessert after the TurBaconEpic Thanksgiving feast, or something to enjoy after some lovely Bacon Explosion. (or, if you’re slightly less high-minded, a Hamdog)

    (for the record, I have tried Turducken, and made Bacon Explosions on multiple occasions)

  • Jeff Weskamp

    Behold, the Eldritch Abomination of Deserts!!!

  • http://scientistcarrie.blogspot.com/ snowmentality

    I think I actually felt my blood sugar spike just looking at that thing. Yeesh.

    I guess you have picaken for dessert after you eat a fried cheese melt sandwich? http://consumerist.com/2010/08/dennys-fried-cheese-melt-pushes-gooey-cheese-tolerance-to-new-levels.html

  • http://www.agirlcalledraven.blogspot.com/ sarah

    Cake or death?…er, picaken or death?

  • http://www.blogger.com/home?pli=1 Coleslaw
  • Anonymous

    I think it’s beautiful. I would eat it, or die trying. 

  • Anonymous

    I think it’s beautiful. I would eat it, or die trying. 

  • Anonymous

    I think it’s beautiful. I would eat it, or die trying. Then again, I have a lot of family in Minnesota, so I have a weird taste for abominable foods.

  • Anonymous

    I think it’s beautiful. I would eat it, or die trying. Then again, I have a lot of family in Minnesota, so I have a weird taste for abominable foods.

  • Nenya

    Good gravy. I…kind of want pie now. Probably just the apple pie. On the other hand, I don’t even bake, but I want someone to make me this thing just to prove it exists and isn’t shooped. 

    Good golly.

  • Msdick

    It’s a month later, but it took that long for me to do it… I was inspired to up the ante on the piecaken.  I give you the Piecooken:

    http://thedistancerun.blogspot.com/2012/03/release-piecooken.html


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