Here’s my idea for a TV show. It would be an hour-long drama with elements of the supernatural and paranormal, featuring monster-of-the-week episodes mixed in with season-long Big Bad threads and longer story arcs involving the underlying mythology. Your basic X-Files/Buffy/Warehouse 13/Supernatural kind of deal with maybe a little Sleepy Hollow tossed in for good measure.
But it wouldn’t need to be as plausible or realistic as any of those. It couldn’t be.
I’m not the only one who likes that kind of show, which is why TV keeps trying to reinvent new variations of it for us. But all of those previous examples were constrained by the imagination of their writers. No matter how gloriously creative and inventive those folks might have been, none of them was endlessly or infinitely creative.
And that’s what I think my new show could be: endlessly and infinitely creative. Viewers would be scrambling to keep pace with all the delirious plot twists and turns because the writers themselves would be scrambling to keep pace.
Those writers wouldn’t be sitting down to invent stories or to compose plotlines. They’d just be watching television, listening to the radio, and reading the Web.
Here’s the premise: It’s all true. Everything Pat Robertson says is true. Everything Michele Bachmann or Glenn Beck or Todd Starnes or Sandy Rios or Alex Jones says is true. Everything that’s posted on Charismanews is true. All of it. All the writers need to do is conform the fictional reality of the show to the wild reality described every day by Robertson, et. al.
So, for example, here is Pat Robertson calmly explaining for his 700 Club viewers how covens of witches use ultrasound photos posted on Facebook to put curses on Christian children:
“There are demons and there are evil people in the world,” Robertson says, “and you post a picture like that and some cultist gets hold of it or a coven and they begin muttering curses against an unborn child.”
So, OK, in this episode a coven of demon-worshipping cultists is surfing Facebook, “muttering curses against” innocent children. The curses are efficacious, because that’s our premise: It’s all real. It’s all true.
But what, specifically, do these curses do? Frustratingly, Robertson doesn’t tell us. Are they deadly curses? Or do they maybe do something that Robertson would consider even worse — like turn all these babies gay, or Democratic, or (shudder) both?The show’s writers don’t have to speculate — they can just turn to some other convenient source, like say, Charismanews.com, and fill in the blanks of Robertson’s plot with whatever they find there. Whatever they find there, remember, should be treated as if it were all true.
The hard part, of course, would be trying to make it all fit together. It can’t. It won’t. That Charismanews front page, for example, contains several articles that tell us we are living in the final generation in the Last Days. If that’s true, then it really doesn’t matter much if a coven is placing Internet curses on the next generation. Browse around a bit on that site and you’ll find plenty of “prophetic” articles that disagree and contradict each other in numerous ways. Or look through just the recent history of Pat Robertson’s kookier claims and predictions and you’ll soon realize that if you treat some of what he says as true, then it seems impossible to do the same for others things he said just a short time later. Pat is large, he contains multitudes.
Reconciling all those contradictions won’t be easy, but again the genius of this show is that the writers won’t be trying to do all this alone. They’ll be encouraged to reach out for help to people like Pat Robertson or Jennifer LeClaire (the delightfully inventive news editor and demon-sex reporter for Charismanews). Ask them about any apparent contradictions, and then incorporate whatever they suggest into the plot because, again, it’s all true.
Questions remain. How are these covens of Facebook-cursing demon-worshipers connected to the conspiracy sending ebola-infected juvenile ISIS soldiers across the border into Texas? Did the secret Muslim atheists put the fluoride in our water, or was that part of Agenda 21? Is the pope working for the Rothschilds or are the Rothschilds working for the pope?
That’s the great thing about episodic TV — when there’s no end to the questions, there’s no end to the episodes.