The high priestess of progressive Christian inspiration, Anne Lamott is busy this week backtracking and apologizing for a crude twitter remark in which she said (and I will paraphrase) she would not call Caitlyn Jenner “she” as long as Jenner still had a penis.
Since quite a few transgender Christians seek spiritual direction—mostly because it is one place in the church where they are accepted as they are—the one thing I know for sure about trans people is that calling them by the name and pronoun that they request is not only common courtesy but an act of hospitality. Once they transition, and they ask you to, as Jenner’s headline on Vanity Fair says, “Call me Caitlyn,” then that’s what you do. It’s not negotiable and it’s no small matter.
As for Lamott’s humiliating mention of Jenner’s penis? Yikes.
It is no one’s business what physical changes a trans person decides to undergo. It’s not up for discussion. It’s not pertinent and it’s certainly not proper to inquire or comment on. I have known one transgender male who told me I could ask whatever I wanted to about the process, but that was at his initiative.
The longer I work with LGBTQ persons in spiritual direction the less curiosity I have about gender or sexuality issues. Whatever they want to share is fine with me. My only concern is that they feel safe and share whatever helps them find a deeper connection with God in spiritual direction.
In all cases, the transgender people I have worked with are beautiful brave souls who are only trying to be the people God created them to be. If Anne Lamott could sit where I sit, across from someone sharing about how God is alive and guiding them in this process of becoming the gender they truly are, she would never dream of tweeting something so hard-hearted and offensive.
I’m sure Lamott’s apologies will help her win back those fans in the LGBTQ community over time. Just remember, Anne–and everyone else who doesn’t quite “get” what transitioning is about–when in doubt, keep your mouth shut, your mind open and err on the side of hospitality and kindness.
For more about spiritual direction as I practice it, please check out my website.
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