Gargoyle Code – 5

Hogwart, did you learn nothing in your basic training? First of all you flatter me for my success with the conservative Catholic. (If you’re seeking promotion, you should know flattery does not work with me.) Then you make the most banal and ignorant statement I’ve ever heard. “I’m so glad the conservative Catholics have been won over.”

Daft idiot! I sometimes think you have no more brains than a wood sprite. The Conservative Catholics won over!!?? Don’t you realize that among that lot are the some of the most disgustingly radiant of the Enemy’s agents? They get right up my nose with their nauseating ‘holiness.’ Not only do they actually seem to enjoy that revolting habit of worship, but they seem to a genuine attachment to the Enemy of some sort of sentimental way.

Really Hogwart, use what little brain you have or you will find yourself out of Our Lord’s Diplomatic Service altogether. I hear there are plenty of vacancies for pitchfork men at the furnace face. Keep revealing your lack of brains and you’ll be lucky to find yourself back down there with a pitchfork in your hand rather than something even worse–spending your time with the spendthrifts and misers.

Don’t you see that my brilliant work with the Conservative Catholic had nothing at all to do with the fact that he was either conservative or Catholic? The same skill, finesse and handing of basic tools would work for anyone. One of my favorite patients was an Evangelical Charismatic. The same careful craftsmanship was just as effective. In his case it was a matter of drawing him deeper and deeper into ‘charismatic worship’ until he was so blinded by his own ecstatic experience (a kind of spiritual self gratification) that it was an easy jump for him to suspect anyone and everything else of being not only inferior, but wrong. Soon he was feeling not only that God was on his side, but that everyone else was on our side.

Much to my alarm he became friendly with one of the Catholics of the worst sort–an common, hearty fellow who pretended to be interested in my patient. When my patient was eventually confronted with the claims of the Catholic faith I reminded him to ‘test all things’ to see whether they were of the Spirit. He immediately rejected Catholicism in the most pleasingly self righteous manner and went on to start a sect with himself as leader. I do not have time to tell you the full story, but oh what a joy it was to see him become a religious megalomaniac. The only compensation we have for enduring that pompous imposter called the pope is that we have been able to create a countless multitude of mini-popes.

Anyway, he was another of my brilliant successes dear Hogwart. Learn from the Master dear boy, learn from the Master.

  • RobK

    I love these! I have always wondered why ssomeone did not follow up with something similar to the Screwtape letters. Thanks! I hope more are coming.

  • Stephen Wikner

    I agree with Robk. Keep em coming. Apart from anything else, I suspect there’s gold in them thar hills – down Slubgrip!. And I’m sure you will heed Mac McLernon’s words of warning. C.S. Lewis and Milton weren’t alone in discovering that their subject matter had insidious ways of taking over.