Gargoyle Code – 7

Hogwart, do you remember that my patient tried to make an appointment with his parish priest? I found out that Mandible is in charge of that particular priest. Mandible is one of our most skilled agents. He told me that he keeps his patient totally booked up with administration, committee meetings and social engagements. My patient won’t be able to see him for weeks. By then I should be able to solve the problem.

You can imagine my delight to discover that my patient has cancer. The trick now will be to keep him in a double bind. On the one hand I will make him obsessed with his health. Every twitch, pain or ache will be a sign that his cancer is getting worse. With any luck I will be able to get him signed up to see a long list of specialists, quacks and snake oil salesmen. (I like that ‘snake oil’ soubriquet don’t you Hogwart? It has a certain je ne sais qua) Every tactic will be to keep him thinking only of himself. At the same time I must make sure that he denies that there is anything wrong. Seeing him hop from one imaginary situation to the other will be very entertaining–rather like that game down below where we make the guests avoid the river of fire by hopping from one hot stone to another.

In this situation what you must not do is allow the patient to seriously and rationally consider that he might die. Their instinct to believe in their own immortality is one of their most ridiculous faults, and one to be encouraged. Should the patient calmly accept that he is going to die he will most certainly start to prepare for the occurance. This not only means he will provide for his widow and family, but worst of all, he will make attempts to prepare his soul for death.

Unfortunately the Enemy will accept the little runt’s grovelling repentance even at the last moment. Honestly, Hogwart, the Enemy has no sense of dignity.

Before I go, a few words about another one of their customs. This is the Catholic practice of ‘Eucharistic Adoration.’ What the snivelling apes do is worship the cookie they call ‘Christ.’ They kneel down before it, sing sentimental songs and shake incense at it. (How I hate those noxious fumes!) There are fewer more idiotic and disgusting practices in the whole world of religion. To my mind, Howart, it is downright obscene.

For a time we were winning the battle on this one. Catholics were putting their monstrances and humeral veils in mothballs. Groovy priests were doing ‘relevant’ liturgies instead. What a delight it was when the priests sat everyone in a circle and said, “Let us worship the Christ in one another!” and had everyone hug. Sadly the Enemy does not give up. Just when we thought we were winning a new generation come along and seem delighted with all the old Catholic customs. It makes me rage to see these new young priests don their chasubles and copes and bring out the incense. Now they’re starting Youth Adoration Services!!

They’re not to be tolerated! Smash them Hogwart. Do anything you can to make sure they fail. Tempt the sanctimonious creeps with all your might. Attack their ludicrous vow of celibacy. Push them into the muck and mire. Rub their noses in it.

I’m feeling quite ill,

  • PraiseDivineMercy

    Father,As a fan of the Screwtape Letters I’m loving this series of yours. I’m amazed at just how well you manage to capture the tone of the original. I look forward to future installments.Blessings,Melody