The Gargoyle Code – 10


Slubgrip has ordered me to write to you about the sexual temptation of females. You should know that someone of my experience is far too busy to chat with juniors like yourself, but when Slubgrip exerts his considerable ‘charm’ how can one resist, or should I say, ‘How can one dare resist?’

I’ll be brief. Why Slubgrip didn’t just tell you to read my classic, Females and Fantasies I have no idea. It’s like this pipsqueak. It’s a waste of time tempting the females to look at pornography. Most of them don’t find pictures of naked people titillating. Instead they are either mildly amused or totally disgusted. I know you will find this disappointing as it is such a big deal for you and Squirmtuggle and the rest of your nauseating little troop of boy scouts.

Forget it Junior. For the females it just doesn’t work. You must understand the underlying principle of the temptation. For both the male and the female it is fantasy. The male fantasizes with crude pictures because he is interested in sexual gratification. The female fantasizes in a completely different way. She is not so much interested in sexual gratification as in a relationship with the man. The trick is to realize that most of the females don’t want a real relationship (that would be too much like hard work) instead they want a man to desire them. They also want a man who will look after them so they can remain infantile and dependent. The way to tempt the female Hogwart is to play on this, and lure them into an addiction to a fantasy just as destructive as pornography, and delightfully more effective because it isn’t so immediately sordid.

I’m talking about romance pipsqueak. Don’t you get it? I’m talking soap operas, slushy novels and gossipy bodice rippers. Draw the females into the fantasy world of romantic fiction, glamor magazines and feminist self help literature. It’s remarkable how easily they can get addicted to the stuff, and before long they are fantasizing about themselves and men in a totally unrealistic way. From there it is a short hop to the more explicit romantic novels, smutty magazines and films. What the sentimental lipsticks don’t realize is that a magazine article, ‘advice’ column or novel that romanticizes adultery, assumes that co-habitation is acceptable or justifies fornication, contraception and abortion can be just as effective a tool to a skilled tempter as your crude successes with pornography.

Hogwart my dear, this is far, far more likely to bring real results than your squalid pornography. Most of the men realize that pornography is sordid and it leads very few of them to actually do anything. On the other hand, the number of women’s lives I have been able to totally ruin through false romantic expectations is legion. This literature is delightful dear Hogwart! it leads the women to keep looking for Prince Charming, then as soon as some debonair lothario feeds them a corny line they fall hook, line and sinker. Next thing you know he’s sweet talking her into the bedroom and bingo–because my patient has come to agree that it is romantic and glamorous to sleep with every fellow who comes along, she will have done far more than your grubby little picture lovers ever do. Best of all, she will go all the way along this path all the time thinking that she is living out all the gooey trash she has been reading, never once suspecting that she has done anything wrong. Do you see how much more effective this is Hogwart, than your crude tempting? Do you see what subtlety there is in it? What finesse? Slubgrip himself is jealous of me I can tell you.

Now, the piece de resistance is to keep the fantasy going until marriage. They think they’ve got Prince Charming, then wake up and find they’re married to Fred Flintstone. When the truth hits them that they are hooked forever to a hairy neandrethal who doesn’t understand them and doesn’t want to, they despair and turn very nasty indeed. It’s a delight to see pipsqueak, an absolulte delight.

I doubt if you will ever rise to such heights as female temptation, but I promised Slubgrip I’d pass on a few hints.

By the way, Hogwart, I thought you should know that Slubgrip is not to be trusted. A word to the wise Junior: he’s got plans to have you for dinner…and I don’t mean an invitation.

Watch your back,

  • my15minutes

    ok,dwight, I wasn’t convinced that i was going to like the Screwtape spin-off, but this one got me hooked. You’ve got some very good, true observations there. My take is only slightly different … I remember the day I realized what a crock of s*** that whole “man is the spiritual head of the home” thing was….how it made me expect things from him that I really should expect from myself, how it set him up for failure in my eyes, and turned me into a cranky judgmental biotch waiting for him to “Lead!” So it isn’t just romantic illusions, it can be even churchy illusions…but the result is the same: dependent, screechy woman. Not a pretty sight.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    You mean we husbands are not direct oracles from God???!!! You mean we are not to be obeyed without question by anything in a skirt?! Rebellious hussy!

  • Entropy

    Thanks for doing this!

  • Jeffrey Smith

    After that little exchange, there’s only one thing to say. I sure hope you two know one another.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    my15minutes (and her husband) and Fr Longenecker are old buddies.

  • kkollwitz

    Wow…good one.

  • my15minutes

    Just ask Allie if you are still under that “oracle illusion”….she’ll set you straight, I’ll bet! She’s another rebellious hussy, and I love her. By the way she should be at the beach….send her down…!

  • LeeAnn

    These are good insights. As a woman who used to work in a bookstore, I often stocked and tidied the Romance section. Many of the regular women customers would buy 10 or 30 novels a month. It could be as addictive as crack for some. Eventually, I got hooked on reading some of them, but after a time I got tired of trying to find less racy ones (only to be surprised by explicit writing smack in the middle of an otherwise decent book) and realized that pretty much, romance novels are porn. So thankfully I was able to give them up. It is sad though that more people don’t recognize the bad effects of romance novels. With men’s porn magazines at least everyone in the world (or every sane person) recognizes it for the obcenity that it is. Romance novels have no age restriction, any young teen can buy them, are available at every grocery store, drug store and bookstore (and even many high school and public libraries) and in my opinion can be just as damaging as pornography to the reader/viewer as well as the author.

  • Mara Joy

    Excellent observations. The differences between men and women are astounding-and yet still ironically decried by so many in our PC society…

  • Augustine

    Fr. Dwight,Excellent posts! I’m cherishing this screwtape series this Lent.However, I’m afraid that you forgot to label this post as belonging to the series.Thanks and God bless.

  • Rowena Hullfire

    You left off how easily the romance intoxicated woman can be lovey-talked into crazy and immoral things on internet chat. Seems to be an epidemic of married women leaving their hubbies for some Net Lothario. Rebellious hussies!

  • Winnipeg Catholic

    WOW, I had been thinking about this myself a bit but you realy hit the nail on the head, at least as far as I can perceive it as a male who works alongside women who seem to fall into this again, and again. You left out the body count of fatherless children and despondent men, and her shrinking self esteem as her looks leave her and alcoholism begins.