The Gargoyle Code – 9

Dear Hogwart,

How typical of you to bring up the topic of sex. Your bragging that you got your patient to spend a whole hour viewing pornography on the internet is so infantile. I can almost hear you sniggering in delight as you poke Squirmtuggle in the ribs. I suppose you may be commended for this small victory, and if you can bring your patient to a serious addiction to his eye candy you may yet have something to really chortle about.

Don’t get too big for your britches just yet Hogwart. You have probably overplayed your hand just for your own cheap thrills. You know very well that your patient is seriously attempting to be a Catholic Christian. I warned you in the last letter to keep him out of the confessional, and what do you think is going to make him dash off to the confessional more than an episode with pornography? The nasty little brutes are most ashamed of their sordid little sexual adventures than anything else, and if they feel ashamed of themselves and dirty, off they go to the confessional for a scrub. You would have done much better to get him to read a book on prayer to get him feeling self righteous, after which you could have got him to lose his temper with his wife because there was no supper on the table when he wanted it. I know, Hogwart, I know. This sort of tempting seems so mundane and boring next to the excitement of pornography, but believe me, not only is it more successful, it shows far more finesse.

While we are on the topic Hogwart, if your patient does go to confession don’t abandon him at the Church door. I know how painful it is to enter those places, but you must go as far as you can with him. When he’s thinking about what to say, convince him to withold the things he is most ashamed of. That way he will not only still have these sins stacked against him, but he will add pride and abuse of the confessional on top. If he does insist on bringing these things out into the light, keep him from being specific. He’s going to be very ashamed of admitting to looking at pornography and masturbating, so get him to confess it in vague terms. Let him say, “I have done some things that are inappropriate” or let him use a favorite circumlocution: “I have sinned against purity.” With any luck the priest will be dozing off and won’t pick him up on it. If you get him to use words like this he will make it through the ordeal of the confessional with some of his pride intact. What we don’t want is for him to be specific and precise about what he’s done. That will definitely bring about a touch of humility, and that would be a disaster.

I must go Hogwart. My patient is playing golf with his parish priest and enjoying himself. Furthermore, the shabby old priest is trying to sneak in some “spiritual direction.” Why can’t the old bore just keep to his backswing and stay off my territory?

While we are on the topic of sex, I have a few things to say to you in case you ever get a female patient. Britwiggle is especially delightful on this topic. Perhaps I’ll ask her to be in touch.

Keep at it Hogwart,
Big Brother is Watching,

  • Anonymous

    Well said, Slubgrip! Well said!Your Affectionate Cousin,Gilgal

  • Rowena Hullfire

    However, it must be said that after the scandal, no priest really has the wiggle room to ask follow up questions about “sins against purity.” Seems creepy and self indulgent and grooming-like.