Gargoyle Code for Shrove Tuesday

Here’s an excerpt from the Gargoyle Code for today. The letters from the senior demon Slubgrip begin today and continue every day through Lent until Easter Monday. You can get a hard copy ($12.95) and catch up when it arrives in the mail, or you can get an e-book for your Kindle. ($7.99) Go to the ad in the right sidebar…

So you have seen the excesses of Mardi Gras in New Orleans and got all excited have you? How amateurish of you to start frothing at the mouth with anticipation! How little you know your own patient! I have checked the files on him Dogwart. A lily livered Catholic boy in his mid twenties is not going to suddenly descend into serious decadence. Having gone to that Catholic High School, the enemy’s agents have unfortunately honed his moral sense. As a result he’s likely to feel guilty just thinking about a girl in a bikini, and your hopes of him getting ‘down and dirty’ as you so crudely put it, are nothing but ridiculous fantasy. You don’t seem to realize that little brats like him are actually repulsed by the more extreme forms of fun. The flamboyant decadence enjoyed in San Francisco and New Orleans is a bit rich for the little greenhorn. It’s an acquired taste dear boy!  Too much too soon and they run away. You need to lead them downward slowly but surely.

Ignore Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday—whatever you want to call it. You may get him to take a few risks at a party or overindulge in some way, but the most predictable result of your bringing Fat Tuesday to his attention is that he will most certainly remember that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and what we don’t want him to do is attend Mass and go through that ridiculous ceremony where they smear ashes on their heads.

Block the whole thing out of his head Dogwart. Remind him of a television program he wants to watch, then get him to sit there all night and watch whatever banal trash comes on the screen. Make sure he has a big bag of snacks and a half gallon of ice cream. Once he’s sated he might sit there for hours simply hopping from one channel to another. Get him into this state of mind Dogwart, and keep him there, and he’ll be yours forever. Make sure he does this alone. Before long he’ll be in a downward spiral of loneliness and depression, and then you can really have some fun.

In my younger days I had several patients who might have accomplished great things for the enemy, but I succeeded in getting them to fritter away literally years of their lives watching mindless drivel on television. In the end their brains were fried very nicely and they not only stopped having creative thoughts, they stopped thinking altogether. Both of them grew enormously obese, missed the chance of marriage and one of them eventually descended into depression and blew his brains out. Messy for the cleaning lady, but satisfying; very satisfying indeed.

I know this sort of tempting is boring at first Dogwart, but persistence yields great rewards. Babylon wasn’t built in a day! We must learn to accept some drudgery as part of the price of our freedom. I realize that these souls are utterly boring, and when they finally make it onto our menu they are bland and tasteless. Never mind; we must all earn our bread and butter dear boy.

About Fr. Dwight Longenecker

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