Todd Unctuous on Papal Poverty

Guest blogger Todd Unctuous is top commentator for MSM. With a degree in Media Studies from Scranton Community College, Todd writes for many papers and websites, and is known for his incisive writing, objective reporting and razor sharp comment.

It was with some trepidation that the world watched the famous chimney outside the famous walled city of the Vatican last March as the world’s Cardinals gathered from St Louis to elect a new pope. Would the cache of old white men elect one of their own, or would they break the mould and elect an African or an Asian from Asia? Would they elect yet another relic from the past who had only one idea: to take the world back to the Middle Ages–by force if necessary?

The world watched with anticipation as the famous curtains opened and out onto the world stage stepped the smiling face of Pope Francis. As he stood watching the world waited with baited breath for him to speak. Then in simple words that echoed around the world he simply said, “Good evening. My name is Francis.”

At once we knew that the era of Papa Ratzi-Nazi was over. Gone were the somber expressions. Gone was the lace finery. Gone were the red Gucci shoes. Gone was the handsome Georg Neuschwanstein. Gone were the strained smiles as Catholics tried hard to love “The Enforcer” pope. Gone were the unusual hats, the doctrinal inquisition and the serious theological treatises. Gone was the high falutin’ Mozart playing, brocade wearing, cat loving octogenarian.

Immediately we knew that a new broom was about to sweep the Vatican clean. Pope Francis took the bus instead of the limousine. He paid his own hotel bill and decided to sleep in a simple room in the Vatican youth hostel which also houses a convenience store called Saint Mart.

I am not myself a religious man, but I admire men of courage and strong religious convictions like former President Jimmy Carter, the singer Johnny Cash and also the president of the UK, Tony Blare. Now we have a Pope of Rome to stand with these strong men of religious convictions to bring about radical change. Pope Francis is obviously a reformer. He is already cleaning up the corrupt Vatican Bank whose main personality was Archbishop Paul Markchinkus. He is already cleaning up the Vatican cleaning crew. And the Swiss Guards.

What will a Francis papacy consist of? Vatican watchers have observed that he gave a speech to a group of religious sisters from Central America and they have observed that he has said nothing to condemn the courageous nuns who are campaigning for equal rights for all people from a bus in the United States. Every action and word of the pope is carefully staged and planned event. Are these signs that Pope Francis is moving forward at last towards the ordination of women? Vatican insiders have noticed that he has done nothing about the so-called “Gay Lobby” in the Vatican. Is this because he is considering relaxing the ban on same sex marriages for Catholics? What about married priests? No doubt this change is right around the corner for this reforming pope.

I have noticed that Pope Francis has also decided to use a 20 year old Fiat popemobile rather than the ostentatious Mercedes used by his predecessor. His speech reprimanding priests for driving fancy cars is something I whole heartedly applaud. I noticed a priest at the BMW dealership when I went to pick up my car and I thought then that he was hypocritical for being a priest and yet driving an expensive car. The world expects priests and nuns to be poor and to set an example.

The wonderful thing about Pope Francis is his emphasis on poverty and helping the poor. Gone are the supernatural hocus pocus doctrines of the Catholics. Gone are the strange theories about purgatory and buying indulgences. Gone are the unbelievable beliefs about the Virgin Birth and the Immaculate Reception. Gone are the rosaries and protests which deprive women of their health care rights. Gone are the guilt trips about sex and all the sermons about purity. Here is a pope who will not only refuse to live in the Papal palaces and castles, but he will probably attempt to sell the Sixteen Chapel and give the money to the poor.

I am myself also a very generous man, so I know what it is like to give money to the poor. I do not wish to boast, but it is good for my readers to know that last Christmas when I was doing my Christmas shopping I gave $5.00 to the Salvation Army person who was collecting money for small children. To do so is an inspiring and uplifting action and this is something the new Pope encourages.

This is a pope for our age. I never thought I would be able to write with admiration about a pope in Rome, but Pope Francis is definitely a modernizing, up to date Pope. At last the Roman Catholic church has stepped into the modern world. In my opinion, this pope is almost as great a reformer as Michael Jackson the King of Pop. Like Michael, he will bring about a revolution and win the adoration of millions of fans.

In fact, perhaps we could coin a new name for Pope Francis. Instead of King of Pop. He shall be called “The King of Pope.”

Todd Unctuous is forty-two.

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About Fr. Dwight Longenecker
  • Bernard Fischer

    Todd Unctuous isn’t funny anymore. Not after I saw Penn Jillette and Suze Orman on Piers Morgan’s show. (different shows) :(

  • Nan

    If he sells the Sixteen Chapel, where will the next conclave take place? Fifteen Chapel? Seventeen Chapel? Saint Mart?

  • Dr. Eric

    Perhaps Pope Francis wants all celibate priests to move to a more radical poverty lifestyle. Yet, allow married priests to provide a living for their families. Perhaps he’ll even allow more married men who were baptized in the Latin Church to become ordained.


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