I never watch any anymore, but when I was a kid, there were four game shows I never missed, Match Game, Password, Jeopardy and Hollywood Squares, and probably Hollywood Squares was my favorite, even though often I was too young to get the double entendres for which it was famous.
Hollywood has changed, of course, but I got this in one of those eternally forwarded emails; if you don’t remember the show, and the very distinctive personalities of some of these people (and their expert timing, since they were all old-hands at delivering their lines) you may not think much of this. But if you do remember, I think you’ll enjoy. Yes, we’re all dating ourselves if we admit to remembering!
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
I wear my age like a badge of honor.
I had forgotten how risque that show was. chkl.
But I appreciate remembering several of the personalities – esp Paul Lynde, Rose Marie, and Charley Weaver. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
Password was my favorite – I even had a home version of the game – most of my childhood. Wish I still had it. Sigh.
BIG Hollywood is a great site. Thanks for that, too. Scrolling down….
Thanks for the Friday night funny, A. I really enjoyed all the game shows you listed but Hollywood Squares was my favorite because of the funny one-liners. Match Game came in second.
William Shatner gives himself the clues on $20,000 pyramid. I laughed and laughed and laughed…
grainy jerky youtube clip
Caught the new primetime version of Password two weeks ago on CBS. Betty White was one of the celebrity guests and missed the word “hickey.” Before they went to the break, host Regis Philbin asked Betty how she could miss that and proceeded to kiss her passionately on the neck. Still sharp at age 86, White remarked, “The last time a ‘Password’ host did that to me I had to marry him!”
Oh, to have more Allen Luddens in our lives!
I know Paul Lynde from re-runs of Bewitched, from cable, by the internets and what people have told me. Apparently he was a real hoot. But some nagging suspicion causes me to suspect he must have been dreadful at cocktail parties. This, from Hollowood Squares and then the internet, the following quips and much, much more:
Marshall: In music, who is responsible for St. Matthew’s Passion
Lynde : St. Theresa
Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Lynde: They’re so cold!
Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn’t true. What?
Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence…
Marshall: What are “dual purpose”cattle good for that other cattle aren’t?
Lynde: They give milk and cookies…but I don’t recommend the cookies!
Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…
Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)’s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what?
Lynde: A headboard.
Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully…”We work together, we pray together and we’re darn good…” What?
Lynde: In the saddle.
Marshall: According to the old song, what’s breaking up that old gang of mine?
Lynde: Anita Byant!
Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Lynde: Yeah, they’re the ones who just go “a doodle doo!”
Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Lynde: Heredity!
Marshall: True or false…NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was…where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Lynde: The answer was over China!
Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!
Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Lynde: Oh, arthritis.
Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?
Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.
Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!
Marshall: According to Johnny Carson’s ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Lynde: Shaft!
“Yes, we’re all dating ourselves if we admit to remembering!”
That’s okay. At our age, who else would date us?
Ah, Hollywood Squares. I invested a lot of summer vacation hours in that show. Match Game was a favorite as well. If I remember correctly, HS came on in the morning, and Match Game came on in the afternoon on CBS, after Guiding Light. Mom, who was a real prude, didn’t like me to watch those shows but I did anyway. I do remember, however, that The Newlywed Game was strictly forbidden. I laughed at a lot of the HS jokes (and of course didn’t “get” a lot of them), but I was drawn more to the personalities, especially Charlie Weaver, George Gobel, and Paul Lynde. Lynde was the hit of the show, in my opinion. I also liked Marty Allen, Wally Cox, and Rose Marie.
Later on I finally figured out that much of the joke material was also written by the team who came up with the questions, but obviously each of the stars put their own twist on the material. I also found out from Wikipedia that at one time it was believed that NBC destroyed the tapes for the entire 1970′s run of the show, but a few years ago about 100 episodes with Peter Marshall were found.
Here’s another classic:
Q. If a man falls overboard, you yell “man overboard.” What do you yell if a woman falls overboard?
A. Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead.
If you’ve got an hour or two to waste, you should check out the “stupidgsa” channel on YouTube, which has dozens of stupid game show moments. Priceless stuff, including a lot of Match Game and Hollywood Squares.
My all-time goofy favorite:
Q. Broderick Crawford has played one so often that he is often mistaken for one. One what?
A. Paul Lynde: A dump truck.
My Dear Anchoress,
My favourite Square was Wally Cox-he left us too soon. Charlie Weaver and George Gobel were also up there…
I used to watch it with my Grandmother when we lived with her. Thanx for bringing back those memories.
Have a Blessed day,
oddball
I was a little bit surprised by all the double entendre lines. Those are just crude to me, and I’m a little bit surprised that the Anchoress thought this was worth putting in her blog. She is normally a lot higher caliber! But since others seemed to have enjoyed them, maybe I am the one who is out in left field!
My husband’s parents used to really enjoy “The Golden Girls” about those old women living together. The few times that I ever watched it with them, I was shocked by all the sex talk. Some was veiled and some was blatant. I was very … trying to think of the right word, but I guess “shocked” will have to do… shocked and dismayed that my in-laws thought those jokes were funny. I don’t know if they thought they were “being cool” to laugh at that kind of sex talk at their age, or maybe I’m just a big prude, but I would not have tolerated that show being on in my home!
Did you think the jokes below are funny? If so, maybe I am just a prude! There were a few decent ones, but most of them support ideas that we believe are immoral. Why would we want our children to grow up hearing us laugh at immoral ideas?
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
—————–
And they wouldn’t get away with the anti-homosexual jokes in 2009!
If everyone is coming from the same moral background where we know what we have been taught is wrong or sinful, then some of these things are funny. But with today’s young people not knowing what is right or wrong, I think even “innocent” jokes like these are a bad influence on families.
Sorry to put a damper on what everyone else seemed to think was good clean fun!
Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh Anchoress!
And yes Bellringer, I thought those jokes were funny too.
I loved Hollywood Squares! Paul Lynde and Rose Marie were my favorites, and George Gobel. That was great list of memories…