Have been meaning to embed this all day, a video from CBS Sunday Morning, picked up via Deacon Greg:
This is a stunning, sad, heartbreaking story, with a twist at the end that may surprise some.
Deacon Greg, who in his past employment knew this couple, describes the pain as palpable. That, it undeniably is.
Please watch it and share your thoughts. I have thoughts of my own, but I don’t want to put them out, yet; I want to read your reactions.
Rod Dreher is also getting comments
As a single woman, I will not comment on the marriage vow aspect at this point. As a single woman with a Mom who has Alzheimers and a grandmother who died after a battle with another type of dementia, vascular (stroke induced) dementia, I feel I MUST comment on three aspects of the story.
#1 I found lots of fellow Catholics who felt absolutely fine judging my sister’s and my decision to place our widowed mom in a facility dedicated to caring for seniors and others with Alzheimers and related dementias. Many, who never even visited my Mom, called it “warehousing her in a nursing home” as EJHill did in his/her comment above. The facility which we located after much investigation, is finer than many 4 star hotels and allows my sister and I to “selfishly” pursue our jobs so that we can “selfishly” pay our rents, eat, pay the electric bill, pay for clothes, etc. It allows Mom to have activities geared for her and make friends. Our late Daddy’s hard work, thrift and wise investing made this level of care possible, and I for one am grateful. Until you have cared for an Alz patient 24/7 you cannot know how dangerous, lonely and unhealthy it can be when trying to do it without help in a home or apartment not suitable nor safe for the advancing handicaps and hazards the disease brings. It was a devoutly Catholic doctor who warned sis and me that Mom could outlive us if we did not change the living dynamic honoring both her socialization/mental stimulation needs and our health and well-being.
#2 I am grateful that I remember my Mom and Dad caring for Grandma in our home for two years before it was obvious that her medical needs had progressed beyond their ability to provide her total care. Grandma made me a pal in some of her adventures and schemes. As an 11 & 12 year old, I coped with the info Mom and the doctors gave us as best I could and enjoyed her for who she was. I would say it is a blessing to let your grandkids “see you that way” IF there are loving adults to instruct and guide the children about what is happening to Grandma/pa.
#3 Daddy’s death certificate says that cancer killed him but he had successfully fought that cancer for 13 years before Mom’s decline. I think Dad was the FIRST victiim of her disease. Only after he had died, did we realize how much he had covered for her. At first I thought that perhaps he too was in denial about her decline, but his bedside conversations with me during those last days proved to me how much he was suffering from worrying about Mom and her needs. He truly showed this single gal what MARITAL love should really be.
Oh there is a #4 How about more Mass Intentions in every parish for Medical Researchers. Enlightenment/ knowledge is a gift of the Holy Spirit. The human brain is His creation. Let us ask without ceasing that He send out His counsel among the researchers working on this and other dementias.
@ #49. Never will I question the wisdom of placing someone in assisted living. You are well within your rights, sir/madam, to do such a thing. Anyone who says otherwise is a fool.
So too, Barry Petersen. He had every right to place Jan. Where he fails is in the scandal he gives his marriage vows.
[Sometimes assisted living really must come into play, for many reasons -admin]
I have found that doing the right thing is always the harder choice, but the afterwards is always better.
This sort of stuff irritates me to no end.
I don’t remember the vows being, to love honor and cherish until death or a condition that requires unconditional love precludes reciprocity or appears to allow for others will be sympathetic to me if I move on. Ugh.
As people deteriorate from this condition, we are called to love these people more fully, not less. We are called to be more present, not less. We are called not to Live our own life and go on, but to live for others and be present. We don’t have Alzhemier’s; so we are to honor the person unto death; they may forget us and be unable to be present to us, but we must be perpetually present to them.
His rational, I have to go on, I’ve done my bit and so it’s okay. As someone else wrote about designer gene babies, life is precious, not perfect and how we respond to suffering reveals our character, our depth of love and willingness to be obedient even unto suffering and death. We’re supposed to walk all the way to the cross, not to stop after the first or second fall or even third fall and decide this is too hard, I’ve done my part, this is all I will give.
If that sounds harsh, it is because love is not about only the soft pleasant living one’s life and being happy or even fulfilled, love is not about how one feels, but about what one does. It is about sacrifice, loving others more than one’s own self. We become more the selves God calls us to be when we are serving than when we are demanding that something of life be for us.
I’m not sure what’s sadder, his rational for holding his wife as a memory even as she laments how much she misses him or the woman who doesn’t want her grand children to see her when she can’t recognize them.
Even struck deep with Alzhemiers, patients acknowledge the comfort of presence. The children will still recognize her, and in that moment, they will learn to love her even when she is frail; she will have taught them a great gift; to love the imperfect, to serve the suffering, to comfort the dying and to be cognizant that everything we have, even our capacity to recognize others is a gift to cherish.
It is never about us.
This strikes deeply for me because my grandmother suffered unto death from this condition and even mute and bed ridden and unable to eat much beyond pudding, she would open her mouth and put out her tongue for the Eucharist. She was present for the Presence.
God bless you, Dennis/#30. May He comfort you in your loss.
I, too, feel great empathy for Mr. Peterson, but feel greater sorrow that he will not keep his marital vows. Clearly this once happy couple is experiencing the ‘sickness’ and ‘worse’ parts of their life together. Just because Jan seems not to realize what her husband is doing does not make it any less of a betrayal. If that were the case, infidelity would be fine provided the wronged partner never finds out.
I feel for Barry, for his lonliness and his sense of loss, but i cannot agree with his choice. One of the other commenters mentioned that he did not think of his other relationships and this reminded me of a situation in my life. A few years ago we started a men’s fellowship group in our parish. An elderly man came to one of our first meetings and we asked him by way of introduction why he was here. He explained that he came mostly just to talk to adults who could converse back with him. His wife had Alzheimer’s and he had placed her in an Alzheimer’s home. He had moved in with her and as a result he spent almost all of his time surrounded by Alzheimer’s patients who could not communicate with him. He saw the men’s group as an opportunity to relate to other adults. I can remember the tears in my eyes as he told his story and I remember what a wonderful witness he was to both his love for his wife and his love for his Sacrament. And I remember how his simple story affirmed my marriage and strengthened my committment to it. God speaks to us through other people in our lives and we have to be open that. Not only to hear what God has to say but also to being His instrument in the lives of others. Just imagine how much power Barry’s story would have had if it had stopped before he mentioned the other woman.
I also wish I han’t watched this. I kept hoping there would be some ‘redemption,’ some wisdom from Barry on how to cope with a dreadful situation.
Mental illness and diseases that affect the mind are a great suffering and a terrible mystery. It’s hard to understand why God permits this eroding of the very mind and qualities that show an individual as unmistakeably human and unique; hard to know how to deal with and still love a person who can no longer control his or her actions or speech.
Even so, my first reaction to this couples’ story was the frightened thought that we as a society are losing something essential– the ability to be faithful in difficulties. (Thinking of John Edwards, too, but perhaps there were other things going on there.)
I feel as though, once, in this country, we had a sense that where faithfulness and endurance really mattered was in the worst circumstances and this sense is disappearing. I am reminded of the line from St. John of the Cross, “where there is no love, put love.” If we do not put humanity and compassion into the worst situations, then humanity and compassion will be lost.
That said, I would not lightly assume that I would do better than Barry in the face of such a trial. I’m very grateful for all the comments from those who’ve been faithful to a spouse or a family member with Alzheimer’s– they are the needed antidote to this sad story.
I guess (and another poster already said this too) we need to pray. A lot. For ourselves and for people in Barry and Jan’s position.
I have not dealt with Alzheimer’s, but I did care for my father for 13 years as he battled a series of increasingly debilitating illnesses. His own father, my grandfather, had died in a nursing home, and it haunted my father for the rest of his life.
Many times, even from a young age, my father would jab a finger at me and say “Don’t ever put me away! Shoot me, but don’t put me away.”
I swore him a solemn oath to abide by his wishes, come what may. Little did I imagine that it would consume more than a decade of my life. In the end, when dementia did indeed set in, my father lay dying in his own bed in his own room. He called me to his bedside, recognized me for the first time in days, and said “I begged you not to put me in a home, but you did it anyway. You betrayed me.”
It was a knife to my very soul. I had moved heaven and earth to obey his wishes and honor my vow. I was 40 years old and still a bachelor. I had offered up my youth on the altar of my word, and my father’s mind tricked him into believing that I was a liar and a fraud.
After the rage and the tears (and a tumbler of bourbon to steady my nerves), I went right back to work tending to his needs. He died in his sleep the following day. Through the sorrow, the relief and the residual anger, something else began to shine through. I can only consider that it was God’s grace.
I forgave my father’s demented outburst, and I forgave the bitterness I felt well up in my own heart. I saw that I had not wasted my life. Rather, it was as if God had found a fallow field and, through careful husbandry, had tilled it and harrowed it in preparation for sowing new seed.
Shortly after, I married a wonderful woman with two wonderful children. She, too, had cared for her father in his final stages, so we understood one another instantly.
I pray that neither of us is tested in such a way again, but I gave her–and God–my solemn vow: til death do us part.
Where nothing is sacred, everything becomes a utilitarian calculation.
I do not agree it is appropriate to recommit to someone new while your wife is fading away, but I also am not going to judge. It is a sad story and I suspect best left to God.
I am also not sure it is right for that woman to not want to see her grandchildren when her decline is more advanced. I understand why she is saying that (I would feel that too I am sure), but isn’t the better way to let them know in advance what to expect? Again, these are terribly difficult issues and people need to sort themout over time. How you feel now might not be how you feel then.
It is haunting to think of my own husband visiting me, me not remembering him at all, and then his going back to be at home. Alone.
We strive for a perfect morality, and that is good. But when someone falls short under extreme circumstances, I don’t think it’s right to judge too harshly. He’s not divorcing his wife, and he seems to be very involved with her if the segment is accurate. That’s not to excuse him but only to point out that he is not abandoning her and that he is meeting his moral obligations at least partway.
His is an incredible trial. I hope God grants him great mercy in this.
My wife and I had a giant ginger Norweigian Forest cat named Jerry. He was huge, close to 30 lbs (seriously). He had giant paws, like dog paws. He was exceedingly gentle and was a registered therapy cat. Three year olds could maul him and he would gamely put up with it. The only cat who would take a bath without jumping out of the tub. He did not like it, but he would tolerate it.
We took him to a local nursing home every week and one woman in particular liked him. One day we went to visit and sadly she did not recognize us.
I asked, “Would you like to see Jerry the Cat?”
She replied, “Jerry Katz? I do not care for Jews! No.”
I replied: “I am not sure if he is Jewish, he never mentioned it, but he would like to see you.”
She ended up seeing him a bit. Confused on why I would be lugging that giant cat around although petting him made her calmer.
Sad. Okay a little bit funny too. But still sad.
Andrew B
June 30th, 2010 | 3:32 pm | #60
You’re a gem. God bless you and your family.
When you talked about how your father insulted you the way he did, it reminded me of my mother. She took care of my ninety-seven-year-old grandmother at home for a couple of years… A couple of “horrible years”, as my mother said to me. Insults were a dime a dozen coming from my grandmother, who was very church-going in her saner years. It came to the point that she told my mother – her first daughter, bearer of her first and favorite granddaughter (not me) – that she was not her daughter. Not only that: she repeated that constantly.
A few years ago, my sister took her out of my mom’s house and brought her to California, where she still lives, under constant care. But my mom has been very bitter after that experience. I have told her that too many family caregivers are the ones who bear the brunt of every insult thrown by the ill patient, that it was not her fault, that she, my uncle, her friends and the care-giving nurses did everything they could, with the resources they all had. But the unhappy one was her, and only she could make herself happy again.
She’s all right with my sister, but my mom is still very bitter. My sister has not spoken to my mom since – she believes her grandmother and not her own mother… Don’t ask.
#53–I am so sorry others made negative remarks to you about needing to have your mom live elsewhere. That must have been incredibly difficult. I can’t imagine doing so.
It seems to me the issue here is different…not if Mr. Peterson is in error in having Jan cared for elsewhere, but if he is in violation of a vow he took before God.
I have known two couples where one suffered from dementia. In one case it was Alzheimer’s, in the other it was multi-infarct dementia. In both cases, the husband saw his wife through it all the way. Yes, both women ended up in homes, but their husbands were still with them all the way.
I understand why this man did what he did. Men may not do well on their own when they have been married for so long, but the fact is, he is still married and should not have taken up with someone else while his wife is still alive.
I can’t imagine why people would be criticized for putting a demented person in a home. Charlotte Bronte didn’t invent Mr. Rochester’s attic out of whole cloth; that’s pretty much what happened when families had to care for someone who was completely out of her mind. They require more attention than a normal person with a job and/or a family can give, and putting them in a place where they can get that care is a kindness.
I agree with Judith L. comments. My hub and I have discussed our end of life choices and without our faith in God and Christ’s love; I don’t know how we would face the choices that await us.
My late Dad set a good example for me, though. My mother had ALS to the best of her doctors’ diagnoses. Dad never put her in assisted living thanks to my younger sister’s (nurse & doctor hubby) generosity. Dad was able to have round-the-clock home nursing. The only thing mother could do was blink her eyes. She couldn’t breathe or eat for herself and was in constant pain. Dad went to sleep every night listening to the pumping sounds of the respirator. The eerie silence woke him one night. 27 years later, dad joined her.
However, Dad never stopped being married to Mary in all those years. I didn’t live near Dad but we talked daily on the phone. He never considered dating and he never stopped mentioning the love of his life in every conversation we had. He was not a recluse and had plenty of friends and activities but as he told me a few years before he died…God brought us together and will again someday. Faith, that’s what keeps me going so no need for another wife. I chuckled to myself. Mother always said that when she was gone, dad would be married pronto because he wouldn’t be able to take care of himself.
So, not my place to judge Barry but glad for my faith and my dad’s example.
Wegie cats are awesome. I confess – I didn’t watch the video – I never do. After reading the comments, I have nothing more to add, but will pray for them.
I would like to add that when memory or concentration starts to fail, PLEASE get a B12 test. I have a severe deficiency (as does a friend of mine) and was very fearful. My friend ended up at Mayo Clinic for a week of tests. Evidently, it mimics dementia and alzheimer’s (among other things) and people have been misdiagnosed.
I was honestly disgusted to see how the piece ended. I cannot believe how they are presenting his infidelity as self-sacrifice. I was also horrified that not only did he do this to his wife, but actually had the gall to bring his mistress to her.
These comments are not meant to be mean in any way, but what if she is cured some day? What will this man do then?
His wife is very much alive (and appeared extremely loving). I understand that things can be hard, but nothing should be so hard that you cast away solemn marriage vows.
This man has proven that he isn’t in it for the long haul unless he can have fun with his new girlfriend. I don’t understand why that widow would place her trust in him.
Once again, I was disgusted by how this was presented. It speaks to where we as a society have come.
Thirty-five years ago, I was an nurse’s aide in a nursing home. Every day, an old man came to visit his wife, whose room was in the wing where I worked. He would bring her favorite foods and would try, usually without success, to get her to eat something, even a single bite. He called her “my Mary.” She was skeletal, beyond recognizing him or anyone else, beyond speech, beyond having control over the movement of her arms and legs. The man spoke cheerfully, earnestly to his beloved wife as she gazed past him into some unknown reality. Because he felt that her diapers and her use of a bedpan were humiliating for her, he asked me one day to help him walk Mary into the bathroom. An observer would probably have found the resulting chaotic movements and our clumsy tangle of limbs an amusing scene. The head nurse and the other aides, kind women all, nevertheless shook their heads and rolled their eyes when they saw what the old man and I were attempting to do, just that one time, just to give his beloved Mary some small shred of her former dignity.
Although I have since failed to show compassion far too many times, I have done so because of my weaknesses, not because that old man’s devotion was anything less than a shining good example. Thirty-five years later, I can hear his voice, coaxing Mary to eat the food he had prepared for her with such love.
A most beautiful true story about love and Alzheimer’s disease is “Iris,” written by John Bayley about his deep and abiding love for his wife, the English author Iris Murdoch. I suggest you order it from Amazon through this website.
Andrew,
Thank you for sharing that very poignant story. I am better off for having read it.
I am thrilled that so many people “get it”. See the problem of this man’s poor choice. It is important to him that we sanction this three way arrangement but most of us don’t.
Thank God. MaxedOutMama (# 10 )says it best !
All of my emotions came to a screeching halt when I saw that the husband has already begun a new relationship even though his wife is still alive. This is reminiscent of Terry Schiavo’s husband. Wedding vows usually include the part about loving and honoring one’s spouse until ‘death do us part’. Dementia has robbed this poor woman’s emotional senses, but she still speaks lovingly of the man she knows as her husband, even though she doesn’t recognize him. This tragic story isn’t about him I’m afraid.
This story speaks to me of my heart and it’s ability to love beyond any boundary I could set for it. I remember thinking that there was no way I could love my second child as much as I loved my first ( I actually worried about this and felt sorry for the baby I was expecting) until the day she was born and I almost felt my heart double in size. God is love and thus created us to love, equips us to love and teaches us to love.
This video encompasses Jan and Barry’s life story in 5 minutes. All of us who have experienced illness and especially long term illness know that one day can seem like weeks and weeks like months and months like years. Time seems to stand still when we are in the darkness of hopelessness and helplessness. As I think about what their life has been like in real time, the diagnosis, the slow deterioration, the time he cared for her in their home, then with a live in care giver and finally placing her in assisted living, must have seemed an eternity. Barry show’s us that there are ways to live through sorrow, find solutions to difficult problems and find hope in “moving on” with our lives when all else seems futile.
I believe Barry is a hero in that he didn’t just abandon Jan. I see a lot of com mentors judging him for establishing another relationship, but who’s to say that isn’t a blessing from God? Barry has not forgotten his vows – he is courageously honest and sometimes that honesty is hard to take – it doesn’t fit the “mold” of what we says the rules ought to be. He must be bad if he doesn’t suffer? He is somehow wrong because he refuses to live the rest of his life in solitude and martyrdom? What value does that bring to the world? Instead, he takes his love for Jan, his committment to her and writes her story to share with us. He attempts to immortalize the woman he loves who can no longer love him back. How painful it must be to hear her speak of “Mr. Happy” during their visits – knowing it is him, and there is no way he will ever be acknowledge by her again.
My second hero in this story is Mary Nell. What she says is interesting ” when you meet Jan, you cannot no love her” and she goes on to list all the wonderful qualities Jan shares in her limited world with the people God has called to care for her. How many women do you know who would have the confidence and selflessness to not only share her mates love but endorse and embrace it? Remarkable.
We have to take Jan’s disability into account, it is a fact, it is real, she no longer has the capacity to make decisions for herself, care for herself, or care for her own husband. By grace she finds joy in remembering her love ( Mr. happy) and readily shares those memories, reminding Barry that the love they share(d) mattered. But she can no longer consciously choose to love Barry in the here and now.
This is as life should be. Three people living love – a love shared, a love lost and a love reprieved. God’s resurrection.
Barry has not broken his vow to love and cherish Jan. He has not broken his vow to care for her. Because he loves Mary Nell does not mean he loves Jan less.
Light bought to darkness that doesn’t exactly fit the mold of our interpretation of fidelity.
I believe Barry would be more a Pharisee and less a follower of Jesus if he denied the love that has been set before him.
Wow-I’m a young guy and that brought me to tears when he sat there talking with her crying. It is so sad, and so hard to sit back and say what you would do. But as a Catholic, I think he is wrong to leave her. Yes, he does have to go in a way to survive I imagine. But moving on doesn’t have to, and for me can’t, mean breaking my wedding vows. Not that his wife knows it, but he has still left her for another.
And Andrew, #60, thanks for that comment. God Bless you and your family. What a wonderful gift you gave your father.
God knows. That should be sufficient.
hello, I submitted a comment but do not see it posted – did I do it incorrectly?
OK – I’ll try this again
We’ve seen Barry and Jans story in a 5 minute video. I’ve tried to imagine what their life has been like in real time – The story tells us that Barry has spent the last 6 years of his life caring for Jan – first by himself in their home, then with a live in care giver and finally to the assisted living facility.
In this day and age, how many men would just flee the situation entirely and leave Jan to the state for her care? It is evident that Barry loves and cherishes Jan going so far as to write her life story to try to immortalize the life he had with her. He is a hero and his love for her is evident in his actions.
When I was pregnant with my second child I genuinely worried that I would not be able to love her as much as I loved my first. The day she was born and I held her in my arms was the day I learned that our human hearts were created by God to be limitless. I thought about this when Mary Nell was introduced in the story….
The story tells us that Barry has spent the last 6 years of his life caring for Jan . . . He is a hero and his love for her is evident in his actions
Karen — one can go from being a hero to a cad at the snap of a finger. It is more than possible for previously good people to throw their lives and souls away in an instant. Barry can still turn it around, he can be the hero again — but not if people give him encouragement and pats on the back for what he did yesterday, which is long, long gone, rather than what he is doing today.
…
I think love found Barry, not the other way around. Mary Nell is an extraordinary and brave woman who embraces Jan and is confident enough in herself to share her life and love with her. She says “when you meet Jan, you cannot not love her”. Jan is blessed that this woman cares for and loves her. God created us to love, equips us with ever expanding hearts to love and commands us to love. This is a story of love that doesn’t quite fit the mold of our teachings. Clinging to the hard line of “vows” in this circumstance seems like clinging to a chain that would surely drown us. How is anyone better off if Barry straps on the cross of Jan’s illness and carries it? How does this kind of martyrdom contribute to the church, the community or the lives of people whom Barry’s book might speak? Who are we to say that God would condemn Barry? Barry is correct when he says, life goes on. He is courageous and honest. Grace seems to have found a way for Barry to be able to listen as Jan describes the love of her life “Mr. Happy” to him and enables him to still come and sit at her feet and “mourn her”. Remarkable.
Bender,
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Andrew B, thank you for sharing. You are a very good son and man.
These comments have been an incredible blessing to me. I watched my grandmother struggle with Alzheimer’s for years, often calling her son (my father) her “boyfriend”. The truly unfortunate thing is that often the body continues on hale, hearty, and, in many ways, healthier than a normal person’s of the same age. A cruel twist to a cruel disease.
But when the reporter introduced his new love, I immediate thought of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the famous “father” of Sherlock Holmes. I had not known of this part of his life until I read about it in a fiction book and checked it out. Wikipedia is the most concise:
“In 1885 Conan Doyle married Louisa (or Louise) Hawkins, known as “Touie”. She suffered from tuberculosis and died on 4 July 1906. The next year he married Jean Elizabeth Leckie, whom he had first met and fallen in love with in 1897. He had maintained a platonic relationship with Jean while his Louisa was still alive, out of loyalty to her.”
“Arthur Conan Doyle” Wikipedia.com
The level of devotion shown there to his first wife was astounding to me. Perhaps I was conflating the pragmatic fictional detective with the author. A wait of 10 long years while your heart loves another? And one gets the feeling that he would have waited many times that to marry Jean had “Touie” remained alive.
That is a devotion that can really teach us something today. I only wish the reporter had followed Doyle’s rockier path rather than the one he is on now. I trust that I will, by God’s grace, hold to Doyle’s example should I ever be in a similar spot.
Karen – perhaps it would be better then if Barry were to divorce Jan so he can fulfill himself completely, and stop living in sin? He and his new wife could even continue caring for her in the same manner as they do now, except that they probably wouldn’t.
If we can’t stick to our vows, hard-line or not, what the hell can we stick to? Doesn’t “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” mean anything?
I speak from experience when I say that when things go bad, when things don’t turn out like you expected and there really isn’t a happy-ever-after in sight, you still have to stick it out.
I feel for both of them, but the simple fact that he ‘tends’ to her somewhat and now has his girlfriend tending to her doesn’t make this right.
My dad is totally blind. If I make fun of him without him knowing, it’s still humiliating.
Alzheimer’s may run in my wife’s side of the family. If the sad day ever comes where she is diagnosed, I will support her in full, despite the hardships. It will be my cross. And, I will bear it. Our vows together mean everything. Will I find another lover? Fat chance. I definitely would not rationalize what I was doing as being ok.
I agree with DrD. It is obvious that there are three good people here living in difficult circumstances. However, all the compelling arguments about suffering, loneliness, hopelessness, and compassion, are irrelevant. This is exactly the kind of situation that leads to the kind of moral relativism that is undermining ethics and morality in today’s world.
This is a well-known television personality writing a book and giving example. It’s the kind of writing that gives birth to trends. No matter how noble it sounds, or how seemingly hopeless the situation was anyway, the ethical thing to do would be to seek friendship and support of others but not a replacement or an addition to Jan.
He wrote on June 24 in a column published in the “Huffington Post:”
“It was time to make a call. I could not keep going on as I was, finding solitary friendship in ever more late-night alcohol.
I reached out, not well at first, after a friend signed me up for an internet dating site. I set one rule: that I was honest about still caring for Jan, yet willing to explain that the marriage, the relationship, were victims of Alzheimer’s. The marriage, as I defined it, was gone. Finished. But if someone could understand and accept that, they also had to understand that Jan was still with us, still alive, and I was still her husband and the man who was watching over her.”
This would be a heart-wrenching painful situation and I have no idea how I would be able to handle it. Hopefully God would give me wisdom and strength. As we age, our lives are all full of unknowns. But it would be wrong for ME in this situation, to take the path that Barry has chosen. And since none of us want to be judgmental, we don’t have to be. But I think the sort of situation described by Andrew shows the kind of courage and valor that society needs more of, and none of us knows who we influence by our example.
many prayers for them
Well, the girlfriend has nobody but herself to blame if he dumps her for a cuter model one day.
What is disturbs me most about the video is that he decided to make a public statement at all.
They have my prayers.
Lisa, I suspect he made a public statement because he wants to get the public on his side. He wants them to think well of him, and his decisions, and not condemn him. Videos, and other public statements like this, can be orchestrated; they can show everybody in a positive light. They present a charming little story, that makes us all go, “Awwwwww!”
Dymphna, having worked in a lawyer’s office, I can tell you that the running off with a younger, more fetching type is a definite possibility, as was my earlier prediction that the other woman might start pushing to have the wife’s plug pulled; “Poor dear, she’s as good as dead anyway! We don’t want her to suffer.” Also, both the father and the new love might start picking fights with the kids, who might not really like this new arrangement, deliberately alienating them, so they don’t intrude on their happy little world, or take too much interest in what becomes of their mother.
People can be astoundingly honest with their lawyers, in ways that they won’t be in their official public statements, comments to friends, whatever. This situation just does not smell right.
Kay,
Thanks for the additional information – Barry “seeking” a new companion is a game changer for me – here I had all the idealistic romantic notions that love found him…
Barry IS A cad.
Karen,
Glad that you saw the light with regards to this guy.
Yes, Karen, he didn’t just fall in love—he was looking for a new “friend” on the internet. Hence, the public statements and the like, to show us all he’s a really, really, good guy, even though he’s living with another woman. (And one has to wonder about her; why would any woman voluntarily walk into such a situation? Given that alturism is extremely rare in this sorry, world, especially vis-a-vis people you don’t already know, you can’t help but wonder about her motive: is she that needy, that a man, any man at all, even one with a wife with Alzheimers will do? Is she eager for security? Maybe she’s a saint, but saints are, sadly, rare.)
I haven’t read the comments prior to this one intentionally, to avoid having second thoughts.
This is not a story of love and trust. It strikes me as a story of deception and betrayal.
As a viewer drawn to sympathize with the story-teller, I felt mislead, taken advantage of and abused as the plot lines twisted from a story of love and devotion to something very different. Much like, perhaps, the abandoned wife will feel when she comes to clarity.
In the after-life, how will he explain all this to her? If I were him, I would be very afraid for the arrival of that day. A sad story all around.
I remember Nancy Reagan’s testimony of the moment our 40th president passed; she said that just prior to that moment, his eyes cleared and he seemed to return (wordlessly) to mental clarity, then he passed on. That is a much better model to contemplate on, I think.
Best regards, Peter Warner.
The story told in the video is heartwrenchingly beautiful. But I was struck by two things: (1) The classic “Sunday Morning” vocal style was so heavy as to be distracting, especially when it became obvious that the guy was telling his own story. (2) The closeup of the reporter’s own tears — I know they are real, and arise from intense personal pain; but still, I couldn’t help but think of the movie “Broadcast News” and that the tears were, in the end, remarkably self-serving. It’s his story, after all, told by himself; the choice to include such an intensely personal demonstration of his pain was entirely his. His own stated goal is to provide an example for the presumably many, many others who will have to walk his path, as more of us live longer only to succumb to Alzheimer’s in the end — especially so in his case, with his wife so heartbreakingly young.
The “other woman” isn’t an addendum to the story: she’s the *point.* The only, stated, purpose of this video is to justify his choices — indeed, normalize them — so that others in the future can more easily walk his path, without fear of judgement.
And I’ve no doubt that will be exactly the result.
@ Brett
I think I gave the impression that I thought that choosing an assisted living situation for a family member was uncaring or wrong. I don’t think that at all. It is a difficult and often painful decision for most people.
What I do think is that there are factual if unintended consequences for the family. The family loses the day-to-day, in depth understanding of the person and the illness, and loses the opportunity to be present when the random moments of clarity occur. These moments are what help us to keep the personhood of the other very much alive in our minds. The small jokes that flash the old personality; the anger which may be illogical and a royal pain now may well recall the amusing feistiness of the personality. If most families opt for assisted living, I fear that as a society we will lose a communal knowledge of the elderly.
I think the media likes to promote a monolithic and deadly impression of people with Alzheimers, perhaps to make euthanasia more palatable in our society. People who live with them, though, know it can’t be done; they constantly surprise. The caregivers in my Alzheimers support group (a true gift, by the way) always told stories of clarity or of the old personality breaking through.
No where in the film was it recognized that Jan may come to realize just who this other woman is in Mr. Happy’s life. Furthermore there was no recognition that such a realization could be painful for her. The disease is as complex as it is devastating. This film showed the complexity of Barry’s life and conflicts. It did not explore what Jan might be feeling. It was pretty slick now that I think of it.
Rhinestone Suderman I agree. That’s what disturbs me.
I’m trying very hard not to be cynical about this video, but I just can’t help myself. Oh, heck! What does it matter if another sin is normalized. We may as well go down the list of 10 and knock them all off now to save ourselves some time.
These comments are helpful. I agree, the video is too slick and too focused on the husband. I am not that judgmental, he is not a bad or evil man, just a flawed one. Heck, we all are. But I think it would be better had he not done this video to essentially justify his own behavior and choices.
I don’t like being cynical either, but, yeah, I’m disturbed by all this.
I have waited to comment becuase I had to think deeply about this story and try to decide why I was so disturbed by it. Then I realized, Barry doesn’t really believe in life after death; because if he did, he could not simply say “life must go on”.
What will happen when both husband, Barry and wife, Jan meet after death….I am sure she will be forgiving as she will know his pain. But I wonder if he will be able to forgive himself…once he realizes there is an afterlife and consequences beyond “life going on”.
This is not to say I would be as brave in his situation but I do understanding that I believe in: the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sin, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting…..I think believing that life is everlasting would make it difficult to back away from my mentally or physically challenged spouse.
When my husband and I met, we were in our 20s and had young and beautiful bodies. It was a given that if we stayed together we were going to watch each other fall apart–so is greeting each other everyday as our mortal bodies deteriorate like attending an never ending funeral? (yes, I know this may not be comparable but it’s no too far fetched to see that the person we love isn’t the shell only in front of us! After all, we are supposed to be Christians and the shell, both mentally and physically isn’t the person, the soul and shell must at some point part after all). Some in people (hopefully, mostly in Hollywood) think that physically beauty is as important as the rest of us my think of our mental abilities, I guess. But remember–we aren’t either mind, nor body alone.
To me it’s sometimes unnerving to see an old woman in the mirror or glance quickly at my husband and almost see a young man. But this is as it is meant to be; and when our minds begin to go this will be as it should as well.
I have watched my newest grandchild (now two months old) wobble to sit up and want to make his body parts go the way he would like them to and realize that I will look like that on this other end of life and few will find it as cute and adorable as is in this new child of God. But why do we feel like that? This feebleness, this letting go of control of your life is what old age is about and all of us who have said our marriage vows have agreed that we will help each other through this time too.
My husband tells of a time that his mother (now long since passed on) took care of him when he was seriously sick as a teen. He had no control of any of his bodily functions and yet she never complained or made him feel anything other than to take courage and try to get stronger to get better. He said that up until that time he had never thought much about whether his mother loved him or not. But that after that time he knew even though she had always been very “careful” in showing what she thought was too much emotion (few hugs and kisses growing up), that he knew she loved him deeply because of her acts of daily care. Later in life when her husband suffered a stroke that finally took his life 5 years later, I also watched her bath, dress and feed this man she had constantly bicker with when his mental sharpness was still there. And after months of rehab, when he was able to respond more in coos then in words to her questions about what his needs, she would also add a little bickering in a good natured way as they once had done as husband and wife (and often I would see my father-in-law get a crooked little smile and a tear in his eye as she did so).
My mother-in-law had many faults (as she herself would admit) but commitment was not one of these—and it was a happy, unselfish, and uncomplaining commitment at that.
Love isn’t simply saying you love someone; love is SHOWING you love someone. (Isn’t that why we have a cross or crucifix in our houses? As a demonstrable sign of Love?) And it is in the showing where Barry has failed Jan–6 years is a long time but we all have sworn “til death do us part”. I hope I can keep up my end of this as well as my mother-in-law did as I sincerely don’t want to meet either Christ or my husband “on the other side” with excuse that “life must go on”.