From Johnny Rotten to Johnny Reverent in One Easy Step …

… Does your son fidget and act unruly during mass? Or does he get bored and sit there like a listless lump zoning out?

Do you wish he’d be more attentive, prayerful, or respectful and listen to the homily for stinkin’ once?!?

Now you too can have a new improved, wonderfully well behaved son accompanying you to mass each week with Altar Boy 2.0*!

Here’s how it works in one easy step.

Step 1 — Make your son be an altar server.

I don’t care if he wails and kicks and says you live to make his life miserable. Of course you do. That’s besides the point.

Engage your Catholic Mom Guilt powers and insist he make this one sacrifice for the Lord our God who died on the Cross for his ungrateful hump.

Ask him how many waking hours he spends a day watching TV, playing video games, hanging out with friends, or playing sports. Then ask him how many of those same waking hours he uses in prayer. Bust out your saddest, most disappointed mom face and ask why he can’t make time for Sweet Baby Jesus to serve at His altar?

If getting him good and guilted doesn’t work, appeal to his boy senses. Tell them there’ll be fire. And smoke. Lots of smoke.

And if he still doesn’t want to serve… who cares. Make him. And when he asks “why” give him the mother of all reasons. The Reason that’s been used for all of time, since your parents and their parents before them.

Because you said so.

Trust me, moms and dads. It’s worth the fight. The aggravation. The wailing and crying. Trust me.

Eventually over time your precious spawn will learn his protests are futile and he’ll begrudgingly succumb. And when he does something marvelous will happen.

He’ll learn the mass better than any way you can teach him, learning all the parts of the liturgy and their significance. He’ll even learn to take pride in his appearance.

But most importantly your sons will learn holy reverence and respect.

Isn’t that worth putting your foot down? In a few years you’ll thank me when you have a wonderfully polite young man accompanying you to mass.

You’re welcome.

*Altar Boy 1.0 included the use of girls and proved ineffective.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist


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