Oh, you’re still single. Let me fix that …

Oh, you’re still single. Let me fix that … November 21, 2014

… Thanksgiving is next week. You know what that means.

Single ladies, brace yourselves. Annoyingly intrusive questions about your personal life are coming to a Thanksgiving dinner table near you.

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You can grimly smile and nod through another holiday get together or you can proactively shut them up once and for all.

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Introducing… Rent an ex-felon boyfriend.

It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how you’re still single? About how your parents really want more grandchildren?

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Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:

openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on…

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

Amazingly, his services are free (he’s just in it for a free meal) but I can see him becoming quite lucrative during Christmas, New Year’s, wedding season, and family reunions. He could easily be charging a $100 bucks an hour for the service of finally getting your busy body family off your back.


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