Is It Friday Yet…

Please hold while I connect you to someone who gives a damn.

... I certainly hope the conversation I just had first thing this morning isn't indicative of how the rest of the day will be. Warning: When my patience is tried, I say "shit" a lot.ME: Why hello. Yes, that property you are calling about is still for rent. Why yes, the rent is $425 a month.PERSON: Is it nice? I hate it when people rent houses that aren't nice or something they wouldn't live in themselves. Is the kitchen updated & appliances new?ME: We have photos available on our … [Read more...]

White Men Dancing…

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... Because it's Friday.Tom JonesAnd an awesomely spastic young man that looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt … [Read more...]

Pinished Failures…

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... What does the term "pinished" mean? It refers to finished Pinterest projects.You know... when you see something cutesy on Pinterest and think "Oooo. I can totally make that!" Only you can't. You never can. No one can. It's all an illusion. A horrible lie to make you feel miserably inadequate. Like those skinny models in health magazines or those homeschooling blogs that make you feel suck-y about your Puerto Rican ass and parenting skills.Now that you know what Pinterest is and … [Read more...]

I Pity The Fool That Doesn’t Love His Momma…

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... I can't tell if it's the wine or the fact that it's after midnight or a combination of the two... but it's Mr. T.Mr. T rapping. … [Read more...]

Kentucky Woman “Ordained” As Priest…

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... Ordained, in quotes. Just calling yourself something doesn't make it so. You can call me "Your Majesty" all you want but it won't make me Queen of the Internet. Without wasting more mental energy than this story deserves, I'll just point out the sad obvious fact that this is really about obedience and humility and Rosemarie Smead's lack of it. … [Read more...]

If I were going to sneak into the Vatican I’d use phony press credentials and look fabulous while doing it…

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... Oh my. Did you hear the one about the fake Bishop who tried to sneak into the meeting of the Cardinals? What gave him away... his shabby appearance.Maybe if he made a stop by Gammarelli first he could have pulled off this little stunt. Thanks to the the keen eye of the Swiss Guard; who noted the too short cassock & crucifix chain, purple scarf, and rumpled robes, his attempts were thwarted. Everyone knows Catholics have style and swagger. You don't just show up to the Vatican in a … [Read more...]

Oh No, I Am Not Getting Eaten By Zombies Tonight…

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... Now don't get me wrong. I love God's creation - the outdoors. It's an endless source of wonder and beauty... and imminent DEATH! I like my nature from the comfort of a rocking chair on a screened in porch. I also like my nature to go to bed when I do; not prowling around in the shadowy dark making bone chilling shrieks and howls. I might even like nature a little more if it stopped trying to kill me when I am doing simply things like taking out the trash or pulling into my driveway.As … [Read more...]

Warning: I am about to say “shit” a lot…

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... Do you have a dog? Do you let your canine companion shit in other peoples' yards? Then I hate you with the fires of a thousands blazing suns.I don't care if you pick up their poop with a baggy or not. Just stop it! It's gross and incredibly rude. You can never clean it up sufficiently enough to where it won't still get wedged into the cracks in the soles of my shoe. It leaves just enough fecal residue behind that you don't notice it right away till you've ground into the floor … [Read more...]

The Emotional Roller Coaster that is The Walking Dead…

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... The internet is simply a buzz with talk of modesty, Beyonce, Mahony oh my. This post has absolutely nothing to do with either. You're welcome.***I don't care for football, the bastard sissy cousin of rugby, so when the super bowl comes around each year I'm desperate to watch anything on TV unrelated to the game. Enter the Walking Dead marathon.Some friends of mine are nuts over this show and claim it's absolutely terrifying. Naturally, given my pathological fear of dead things … [Read more...]


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