Women CAN’T have it all. Neither Can Men.

Anne-Marie Slaughter, the first female director of policy at the State Department, wrote a very powerful piece in The Atlantic about the pain and conflict experienced by women who were raised being promised the falsehood that “You can have it all!  Career!  Family!  Balance!  Health!  And if you don’t, we’ll be sooooo disappointed in you!”  In “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All,”  she gratefully acknowledges the incredible sacrifices of her forebears, which made her amazing career a possibility.  She’s also relieved, however, to hear women of my generation and younger asking thoughtful questions about that platitude.

She writes of the reactions ranging from disappointed to condescending when she decided to go back to her work at Princeton instead of staying on with Secretary Clinton.  She points out how “leaving to spend time with my family” was, in Washington, D.C. a euphemism for “I’ve been fired,” and how  incredibly hypocritical that is in a country claiming to support “family values.”  Yet, she still believes “that women can ‘have it all’ (and that men can too). I believe that we can ‘have it all at the same time.’ But not today, not with the way America’s economy and society are currently structured.”  We just need equal representation in government.  No kidding.

I’ve dealt with condescension and misplaced disappointment of my peers and elders.  People told me that if I became a teacher, I’d be wasting my education. That was patently absurd, and I became a teacher.  There was pressure to continue my career once I had children.  I saw that for the unhappiness it would cause me, and stayed home with my children.  I was lucky I had a choice, and continue to be grateful for that on a daily basis.

If I wanted a job/career, I think could make the necessary adjustments to the family life to make it work.  If I needed a job, I could (and would have to) make it work.  In no way do I intend to denigrate or chastise those who are voluntarily balancing families and careers.  Nor do I mean to disregard the fact that many people are in desperate economic situations, struggling in a way I never have had to in order to keep their families fed, clothed, sheltered, and safe.

I speak only for myself, and to the fact that for me, the hours per day it took to be the history teacher I wanted to be plus the hours per day it took to be the parent I wanted to be simply added up to more than 24.  And the last time I checked, there were still only twenty-four hours in a day.  Until some smart guy comes up with a way to increase the number of hours in a day, or decrease the amount of sleep our bodies really need, there is STILL only so much that can be done in a day.

So here is where I fully expect to infuriate feminists and liberals all around the world.  (Or at least the couple of dozens who read my stuff.)  Maybe the question, “Who will raise the kids?” was a good one.  Maybe, “Who will do what needs doing around the house?” was valid.  It’s all about how they were asked.  Asking questions like these as a means to shut down a woman’s dreams – as in, “There is no way in hell I’m going to allow my wife to work!” – is unacceptable.  Asking them as a means to help a woman fulfill her dreams – as in, “How can I support you and help this happen?” – is quite another story.

Professor Slaughter quoted Mary Matalin, who wrote: “Having control over your schedule is the only way that women who want to have a career and a family can make it work.”  Take it a step further, and add men to that sentence.  Ideally, in order for one spouse to have true flexibility in and control over his or her scheduling, the other spouse would have it, too.  Because for every mother I know who needs flexibility to support her career, I know a father who needs flexibility to support his family life.  For every mother who needs control over her schedule so she can present a case in court or put on a hard hat and climb into the sewers, there is a father who needs flexibility to leave work early to coach his daughter’s softball team or make dinner while the mother is making closing arguments.

Frankly, I never believed ANY woman or man could (or should!) have it all.  The road to gender equality and personal fulfillment, though, might be much less bumpy if we drew softer lines around what is expected of both men AND women when it comes to their careers and families.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1405562077 Rachel Lirtzman Fogel

    Well spoken… Introducing the piece about flexibility in BOTH parents’ schedules being necessary to establish a healthy and balanced life for ALL family members brings into focus an overlooked dimension to this much talked about issue. This angle is original, refreshing and true. Love the article!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Thanks, Rachel – we witnessed this first hand, did we not?

  • http://lionsima.wordpress.com lionsima

    Oooh, well-said, Aliza. And not just because your life mirrors mine (surprise!). I’m wasting even more education than you are, and while some days I mourn the career I might have had, most days I’m really happy.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Not a surprise – any of it! And I am a firm believer that there really is no such thing as a wasted education. :)

  • http://www.koshershopaholic.com Shoshana Raff, The Kosher Shop-a-holic

    Great article, Aliza. I agree that the flexibility should be on both sides & North American companies should honor family time more. Anne-Marie Slaughter did mention that her husband happily took over the parenting responsibilities while she persued this dream post in Washington & that he had the flexibility to do so since he was also a tenured professor. I think she also mentions how in other countries there is much more vacation days which happen to be mandated – personal & family time is valued more in other cultures. If we could change organizational cultures, and as entrepreneurs -create- organizational cultures with these values in place it would help improve the situation.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Thank you, Shoshana! You’re correct in everything you say – everything! And I did note that he had flexibility (and mainly because he was a professor with tenure.) I fear, though, that teaching is only one of a very few professions with that flexibility. Add to that the fact that there are so many things about educational trends making the lives of teachers so unpalatable, that the pool of male professionals with flexibility is shrinking, rather than growing. :(

  • http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com Ruchi

    You know, Aliza, your article really made me think. Firstly, that I’m grateful I was raised Orthodox where I didn’t feel pressured to “have it all.” Instead I was raised to look around at everything I already had and teach myself to revel in my blessings. (At least 5 of my friends went to law school due the pressure, hated it, and never practiced law.) I also was raised with traditional gender roles, and I must say, it gave me a strong sense of security. In the end my husband and I do have it all – sometimes I have some things and sometimes he has some things and *together* we have it “all.” I believe that his job as a rabbi is very important and he believes my job as a rebbetzin is important and so neither of us is in corporate America and we cover for each other. Yes, we are very blessed – I’m so aware of that and thank God for it daily. No one was meant to have it all in a vacuum. It takes a family, a village. Ok… off my soapbox :)

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Thanks so much for your comment, Ruchi! Traditional gender roles only pose a problem for people who don’t enjoy their lives in them, and for people who’s role isn’t appreciated and respected. You know, the difference between “What did you DO all day???” and “Hats off to you – I could never do my job or enjoy my children without you and all you do,” is huge. Stand on your soapbox all you want! :-D

  • http://gravatar.com/kenyagjohnson kenyagjohnson

    Not to take away from the seriousness of your great article, but the “I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan” commercial needs to be remade telling the truth.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Hehehe – we should totally re-shoot that commercial…

  • http://www.facebook.com/hollynyny Holly Rosen Fink

    When I was working full time and enduing a terrible commute for a job I loved, my husband never once considered leaving his job. The onus was all on me even though we were both working far from our new home. I have never slept well on that decision and wish the whole debate could be more gender neutral.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theworthingtonpost Aliza @ The Worthington Post

      Holly, that’s so hard. I’m afraid employers are still less likely to allow a father a flexible work schedule than a mother. (no evidence to back that up, but that’s just my impression.) So you may have regrets, feeling like you lost out on a career. Does he have regrets, feeling like he missed out on parenthood? Thank you for your comment – I couldn’t agree more with it.


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