Jesus Goes to the Dentist.

Sometimes parents avoid their children’s questions. There are myriad reasons for this phenomenon…fatigue, discomfort, lack of maturity on the part of the child, lack of maturity on the part of the parent, and on and on.

My parents rarely, RARELY did this. Even my father answered questions about sex (which made me want to puke – and him, too, probably, but he did a good job covering it up if it did.) I’ll never forget one of our trips in the car.  It was on a Friday night, if memory serves, when we were driving to his job of playing organ in a synagogue in New Jersey. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So, do ALL animals give birth?

My Dad: (cool as a cucumber, as always) Well, all mammals. Every mammal has a male with a penis that fits into a hole in the female called the vagina…

Me: LALALALALLALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, my parents NEVER dodged the tough questions. The important ones, anyhow. Which makes this one time so puzzling. We grew up listening to the music of Jesus Christ Superstar and watching the movie (same with Godspell,) all throughout elementary school. So, even though we were a Jewish family, Jesus held a particular interest for me. So one day, I asked my dad, “Did Jesus Christ actually exist?”

My Dad: Oh, yes. He was a real person, definitely.

Me: How do they know???

My Dad, without skipping a fraction of a beat, answered the following:

 

(are you ready?)

 

“Dental records.”

 

(really. he said that.)

 

Dental records.

 

DENTAL RECORDS.

 

Being only in elementary school, I remember being satisfied with that answer at the time. I thought, “Hunh. I’ve heard they keep dental records forever. I think I’ve heard something about them being used to identify remains. I guess that makes sense.”

Perfect FUCKING sense.

I may have had a vodka before I drew this. Also, YOU try to google "Jesus at the Dentist" and see what YOU find. Sheesh.
I may have had a vodka before I drew this. Also, YOU try to google “Jesus at the Dentist” and see what YOU find. Sheesh.

I am about to make myself extremely vulnerable to my reading audience when I say, it was years – YEARS  – before it occurred to me that he had been yanking my chain. I swear to god, I went through my entire high school and COLLEGE years never giving another thought to how people know Jesus was a real person. I can’t even say for sure that I didn’t REPEAT this completely seriously to other people.  I hope to god I didn’t but, hey, I can’t swear to it.

I’m pretty sure I was in my early twenties before it occurred to me I might have been had. I don’t remember the precise moment, but I do remember being thankful it wasn’t at my Master’s Thesis defense or in front of a classroom full of 8th-graders when the reality dawned on me.  Because my face probably looked something like this:


Photo on 11-12-14 at 7.41 PM

 

while I said – OUT LOUD – “DAAAAAAAA—–AAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!!!!!! JESUS DIDN’T HAVE DENTAL RECORDS!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

"No thanks, bible beaters. Keep it to yourselves."

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Max Olivewood

    No, but his fingerprints are on his IPhone 1s

    • Aliza Worthington

      They ARE??? Ooooooooh! That makes so much sense!

  • http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

    Your dad has a wicked sense of humor.

    • Aliza Worthington

      He is truly certifiable.

  • Linda Roy

    That is excellent. If only way back in 3rd grade at Catholic school I would’ve thought to ask one of the nuns in religion class if they knew Jesus was real because of the dental records. Dang, that would’ve been worth begin sent to the principal’s office.

    • Aliza Worthington

      Ooooo – that woulda made a great story… :)