Jacks

Just like we remember them.

My parents are incredibly sentimental people. With two kids in their forties, though, they’ve had to make some tough decisions along the way about what they’d keep from our childhoods, and what they’d toss.You see, their sentimentality and love of mementos from our childhood comes into direct conflict with my mother’s (some would say “obsessive” - I WOULDN’T, mind you...but SOME would...) need to de-clutter. Since my parents now have five grandchildren, and are receiving even more adorabl … [Read more...]

Trying my Hand at Limericks

While I can knit together a phrase, I did not knit this replica of the opening to a vagina. Got it from - where else? - Pintrest.

Today, I'm so sad to see Clitoris Awareness Week COME to an end. Last Friday, though, I decided to show my reverence by trying my HAND at some poetry. Yes, at Lefty POP, a site where I do my some of my CHEEKIEST work, I helped people peek under the HOOD of this magical organ. Rather than simply pay it LIP service, I felt poetry would help me go DEEP into the subject matter. I chose limerick form, because, of course, it begins with "L" "I" and ends with "C" "K." Not to brag, but one friend called … [Read more...]

Quiz Me.

“Who am I, at this stage in my life?” I wondered.I was feeling that middle-aged malaise...dissatisfied, reaching for something but I didn’t quite know what. So I did what any rational, college-educated woman of my stature would do. I took quizzes on Facebook to figure it out. Scary Mommy quizzes, Buzzfeed quizzes, Zimbio quizzes - you name it. Here are the conclusive, if surprising results.According to the Scary Mommy quiz, I should have only two children. This is problematic, not only be … [Read more...]

Spider Meets Winshield.

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Once upon a time, I was driving to pick up my son from baseball tryouts.  Then I had company looking at me from the other side of the windshield.  Here is the poorly drawn story of our relationship.We were at a red light.  She seemed happy to see me.Then the light turned green. Red light.Green light.Red light.Green light.The end. … [Read more...]

Mama Mika and Papa Joe

Here's how I imagine the conversation between Mika and Joe (of Morning Joe) and Governor Chris Christie went.  It's over on Lefty Pop.  :) … [Read more...]

Bizarre Love Triangle – Baseball Edition*

*This piece was originally published on September 3, 2012.  In honor of Ralph Kiner's passing and his voice, here is an edited version of that post.I was born in May 1969.  The New York Mets went on to defeat the Baltimore Orioles in the World Series that year.  Coincidence?  I think NOT.  My dad took me to many games at Shea Stadium.  Rain delays and extra innings meant extra time at the ballpark.   I spent hours watching Mets games on TV, eating potato chips out of a bowl my dad propped on … [Read more...]

My Youngest is 10…

...and if you'd like to know how I'm feeling about that, please click over to Scary Mommy to read "Double Digits."  I'm beyond excited to be on that great site by fellow Baltimorean, Jill Smokler.  :)  … [Read more...]

Not Smarter Than a Fourth-Grader

This morning on the way to school, my fourth-grader and I had the following conversation.Him:  Did you know sloths move so slowly that sometimes they mistake their arm for a branch, reach for it, and then fall to their deaths?Me:  Sloths have arms?Him:  Yeah!  Of course they do.Me:  Sloths don't have arms.Him:  (disbelievingly) Yes, Mom!  They have REALLY LONG ARMS!Me:  No, they don't.Him:  Yes, they do!Me:  They do not.Him:  (patiently) Mom.  I'm talking about … [Read more...]

Banana Bread

So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school?  "Lunches are packed!  Kids in bed!  Backpacks ready!  Forms filled out!  Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!" And it's only 8 p.m.?  Some dear friends of mine - and I hope they still are after reading this - but please indulge me in a rare public bitchy moment.I frikkin' HATE those status updates.  They shouldn't, but they make me feel like SUCH a loser mom - I rarely, if ever have my … [Read more...]

Vacation Hangover

Well, there was no Captain Steubing, and it was not the Love Boat, but we sure loved the boat that took us on vacation.  Here's a random re-cap.1.  No wi-fi and/or texting is a blessing.  The end.2.  Just kidding!!!  There's more!  Angel (pronounced "Ahn-HELL") was our dinner waiter, and Marko was his assistant.  I learned halfway through the trip (and that was too late) that I should not ask Angel his opinion about more than one entree.  This is because he would proceed to bring me each. … [Read more...]


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