I Don’t Know How She Does It . . .

October 31, 2011 By Amy Julia Becker 2 Comments

Marilee and I just returned from a 5 day road trip to Richmond, Virginia. We had a packed itinerary–two book readings on Wednesday night, talks to a women’s Bible study on Thursday morning and a church forum Thursday night, participation in a “Maker’s” series with other artists on Friday night, two parenting classes on Sunday morning and a different event Sunday night. She had some one-on-one time with her mom, which is rather rare. She got her first kiss from a dog. She propped herself up on both knees in preparation for crawling for the first time. It was a great trip. We got in at midnight last night.

I was staying with a friend in Richmond who is at home with her baby, who is just about the same age as Marilee. “I don’t know how you do it,” she said.

And for once, the answer to that comment seemed very obvious. “I don’t.”

I mean that in two ways. One, I watched my friend with her son and I thought, I don’t know if I have ever sat with Marilee on my lap and read her a book. I don’t know that I’ve ever pointed out animals and their noises. I wasn’t feeling guilty about these things, but I was very aware that my station in life–both as a mother of three but also as a woman who is working part time with a nine-month old–dictates less individual attention to my youngest child. I don’t do “it,” if by it we mean some idealized version of parenting and vocation. Every choice I make to spend time with our children limits what I can do professionally, and vice versa.

I also don’t do “it” because I am not alone. I have twenty hours per week of child care with a wonderful woman who considers herself a member of our family. Between our babysitter, Peter, and my mother, father, sisters and brothers-in-law, Penny and William had a wonderful weekend without Mom.

I don’t do it all. And I don’t do it alone. And it seems to be working out.

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Everything I Ever Needed to Learn . . .

October 28, 2011 By Amy Julia Becker 2 Comments

For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that Penny started kindergarten two months ago, and you know that we couldn’t be more pleased with her situation. With that said, as I’ve also mentioned, Penny has had a tough time “controlling her hands” and following directions in school. Her teacher gave up one of her planning periods in order to help Penny on the playground. She broke the day down into ten minute segments, with Penny earning a sticker for every ten minutes that she kept quiet hands and prizes every so often within that structure. And we realized a few weeks ago that paying attention to the positive goes a long way. Penny came home one day and said, “Mom, I’ve got to show you something!” She proudly pulled out the worksheet that recorded her behavior for the day and pointed to each of the x’s, ready to tell me all of her infractions in detail.

I realized then that all of our careful and long conversations in which we had her explain what she had done wrong and how she could do it differently weren’t working. “Penny,” I said, “I’m not interested in your x’s. I am interested in your stickers. Tell me about those.”

It seems to be paying off. Penny’s had a week of “great days!” including one where her teacher escorted her to me and said, “You need to buy Penny some ice cream!” At least at this moment, no more pushing or hitting or running away or hiding under the table or rolling around on the rug or (the list goes on…).

I have a new post on her.meneutics (A Real Christian Education) about the gratitude I feel for Penny’s education, for her inclusion in this classroom, as well as my hopes that her presence there will be a blessing to her classmates and not only to her. It begins:

Our daughter Penny started kindergarten six weeks ago. At the end of her first day of school, she greeted me with, “Mom! I didn’t miss you!” She’s loved every moment since. I’m sure much of her experience is typical—she walks to school, she works on spelling and reading and basic math concepts, she plays on the playground at recess. And yet Penny’s experience also highlights significant changes in American education over the past few decades because Penny has Down syndrome and an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) and regular therapy sessions. Hers is an “integrated” classroom, with two teachers and a classroom aid. Forty years ago, she might not have been eligible to attend public school at all, much less in a classroom alongside her typically-developing peers.

To keep reading, click here.

Filed Under: Down Syndrome, family Tagged With: , , 2 Comments

What Down Syn Mean?

October 26, 2011 By Amy Julia Becker 3 Comments

It’s a question William asked me a long time ago, and I’ve been thinking about the answer ever since. I wrote it up for Lisa Belkin’s new blog, Parentlode, at the Huffington Post “Explaining Down Syndrome to My Daughter, and to Myself.” My post begins:

A few months back, I mentioned to our daughter Penny that she would be meeting another little boy who had Down syndrome, just like her. She didn’t say anything in response, but later on that day, when Penny was at school and William was getting ready for a nap, he said, “Mom, what down syn mean?”

“Down syndrome, sweetie. Not down syn.”

“I know drum,” he replied. “What down syn mean?”

I nodded slowly, realizing that he was envisioning making music, and grateful that he didn’t have a concept of “sin” on hand. So I said, “Well, it’s all one word, and it doesn’t have anything to do with an instrument.” I searched a mental map for words to explain a chromosomal anomaly to a two-year old. I began, “It means Penny has an extra part in her body,” but I realized that sounded as though she might grow a third arm. Then I said, “It’s something that makes Penny special.”
He stuck out his lower lip. “I want to be special.”

I hugged him tight.

To keep reading, click here.

 

Filed Under: Disability, Down Syndrome Tagged With: , , , 3 Comments

Hat Trick, and October is National Down Syndrome Awareness Month

October 25, 2011 By Amy Julia Becker 2 Comments

This post is an excuse to a) show you what Penny did at her babysitter’s wedding shower this past weekend, which is to say, spend an hour trying on different hats and “walk down the aisle” (her words), stop, twirl, and wait for the applause of the forty or so women in the room (photos below, in which I only captured a very few of her poses because Penny got annoyed with me behind the camera, as some of the photos attest), and b) remind you that October is Down syndrome Awareness month. I wrote a post for the goodyblog of parents.com a few weeks back called “What I Learned From Having a Child With Down Syndrome.” This week it’s being featured on the hompage of parents.com and on Yahoo Shine. So show your support for families and children/adults with Down syndrome by checking out the post in one of these venues and sharing it with your friends!

Here she is:

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Down Syndrome, family Tagged With: 2 Comments

What Good Are Emotions?

October 24, 2011 By Amy Julia Becker 2 Comments

My mother-in-law used to have a list of “feeling words” on her refrigerator. They were accompanied by a fill-in-the-blank statement, “I feel _________ when you __________.” The idea was that you separate the way you feel from the person’s action instead of blaming them directly for your feelings while simultaneously expressing yourself. We used to tease her about it, but years later I’m also grateful for that simple training in direct communication.

Our pastor has been preaching about emotions for a few weeks now. Fear. Guilt. Sorrow. Anger. Joy. (Full disclosure–until yesterday, either Peter or I had to spend the entire service in the nursery with Marilee, so I haven’t actually heard all of these sermons.) He’s talked about the value of emotions and the problems of allowing faith to exist purely in the rational realm.

When we were driving away from church last week, Peter said, “One thing it makes me think about is that emotions are always an invitation to pray.” I think about Paul’s exhortations to pray “in all circumstances.” I think of the Psalms–laments, diatribes, songs of praise.

I’ll try to be a little more creative than my mother-in-law’s formulation of it, but I’m grateful for her simple model of how to express what I’m feeling. Even more, I’m grateful for the invitation and the reminder that our emotions–positive or negative–are also opportunities to better know the living God.

Filed Under: Faith, family Tagged With: 2 Comments
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