The Tomb of Grief

Last week I wrote about what happened the day that my son Anthony died by committing suicide, it had been five very fast but extremely heavy weeks. Today it’s six weeks and a day after the one year anniversary of my uncle’s death. To sum up how this last year has been let me tell you a story: the neighbor told me yesterday that the cat my dead uncle gave to my now dead kid was found dead months ago by the mailboxes. That is a lot of death in one sentence, if it’s hard to read, just try living in … [Read more...]

Two days ago I had a really bad day. Every single wound I have ever had in my life surfaced on some level in a matter of  hours. My sexual abuse as a child, worry for my child, the relationship with my mother, the grief of my Tio and Tia, drama on social media and the news that someone I care about is ill, all collided and I was emotionally overloaded. I sat in my car crying and wondering when all this was going to end. When Lord?I was also very hungry so my husband took me out to dinner at … [Read more...]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/throughbrokenroses/2017/02/24/1987/

How I found Myself

 Last night I wrote this post about losing myself. I went to bed thinking about it and thanking God that it seems like everything is peaceful. Then I woke up and realized that this isn't always how it will be. There will be more problems, more kids leaving and growing and changing. Aaliyah will grow up and won't remind me of the most innocent version of myself. She will be her own person with her own opinions, flaws and heartaches. Something will happen, she will be heartbroken and she … [Read more...]

When Did I Lose Myself?

I watched my three year old granddaughter today. She ran around in the living room with no care in the world. She played with the dogs, watched Netflix, ate cereal and made me laugh. She is full of personality at this age and she is beautiful. I don't just say this because she is my grandchild and the spitting image of me, but because she can hypnotize me with her smile. She has a perfect complexion,  perfect hair and her head is so big but it fits on her tiny little body anyway. And then, … [Read more...]

What do I know? What is Real?

I have an amazing therapist. In the  three and a half years that I have been seeing her, she has helped to recognize  when my scared little girl self is trying to convince me that nobody loves because I am unworthy of being loved and tell her to go take a nap.When I first started seeing her it was because my husband and I were on the verge of divorce. Actually it was worse than divorce, it was war. We were in a cycle of revenge and getting back at each other while both trying to get … [Read more...]

In the Wake of The World’s Tragedies

  I have been working almost every day for the last few weeks. My days off are full of a million things to do, so I haven't really been able to keep up with all the internet happenings. News goes really fast in the online world. A week is like a year and news blows up, everyone discusses it, we decide what we are pissed about and then lament about it for days. Then we are off to the next thing. I don't know if this is exclusive to Catholic online life or if it goes for … [Read more...]

One of the Stages of Grief: Anger

I am over at Aleteia talking about grief and how I used to try and say all the "right things" to others who were mourning the loss of something they loved.Grief is a very difficult thing to deal with because it is so personal that it's different for each of us, even if we lost the same person. We are each different, how we handle our emotions is different and who that person was to us is different.My uncle was my Tio Roy to me. He was mean, made fun of me, scared the shit out of me but … [Read more...]

Being Joyful Through The Pain, Remembering that I am Loved

I have been feeling pretty low lately. I don't feel loved or appreciated by my family, there's a real break in the relationship with my older son, my husband and I aren't in the best place and my mom and I are not really talking. Things with my mom are complicated to say the least and I have come to realize that I can only balance so much and currently she isn't someone that I can deal with. I'm guessing that is how my son feels which is why I'm giving him his space, but it doesn't change the … [Read more...]

Loving Your Spouse in the Desert

A few weeks ago I was cleaning the bookshelf in my living room and I found this picture of me and my husband on the night of New Year's Eve 2010. I hardly recognized the two people in that picture and the happiness that exuded out of our smiles. We were so happy. I don't even think that happy is the right word to describe us that night. New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday, we were new Catholics, newlyweds and we were having the time of our lives at our Parish New Year's Eve dance. The dance … [Read more...]

Sometimes God Does Not Let Things Go

I'm going back to waiting tables. I am not really sure how it happened really, but I know that I need the money, my family needs the money and that it's the only job that I enjoy doing besides writing. Office jobs make me want to jump off a bridge.If you remember, I went back to work last year around this time and waited tables as well as worked an office job. I was not very happy about it. I was in a lot of pain because my feet almost fell off.This year so many things are different. I … [Read more...]