When Did I Lose Myself?

I watched my three year old granddaughter today. She ran around in the living room with no care in the world. She played with the dogs, watched Netflix, ate cereal and made me laugh. She is full of personality at this age and she is beautiful. I don't just say this because she is my grandchild and the spitting image of me, but because she can hypnotize me with her smile. She has a perfect complexion,  perfect hair and her head is so big but it fits on her tiny little body anyway. And then, … [Read more...]

What do I know? What is Real?

I have an amazing therapist. In the  three and a half years that I have been seeing her, she has helped to recognize  when my scared little girl self is trying to convince me that nobody loves because I am unworthy of being loved and tell her to go take a nap.When I first started seeing her it was because my husband and I were on the verge of divorce. Actually it was worse than divorce, it was war. We were in a cycle of revenge and getting back at each other while both trying to get … [Read more...]

Being Joyful Through The Pain, Remembering that I am Loved

I have been feeling pretty low lately. I don't feel loved or appreciated by my family, there's a real break in the relationship with my older son, my husband and I aren't in the best place and my mom and I are not really talking. Things with my mom are complicated to say the least and I have come to realize that I can only balance so much and currently she isn't someone that I can deal with. I'm guessing that is how my son feels which is why I'm giving him his space, but it doesn't change the … [Read more...]

Loving Your Spouse in the Desert

A few weeks ago I was cleaning the bookshelf in my living room and I found this picture of me and my husband on the night of New Year's Eve 2010. I hardly recognized the two people in that picture and the happiness that exuded out of our smiles. We were so happy. I don't even think that happy is the right word to describe us that night. New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday, we were new Catholics, newlyweds and we were having the time of our lives at our Parish New Year's Eve dance. The dance … [Read more...]

Friendships: the Casualty of Crisis

Here are just a few of the issues that I have been dealing with in the last few years:The death of my best friend A boyfriend in Iraq and then Afghanistan Wartime PTSD Child Trauma related PTSD The death of my boyfriend's mother A DWI Converting to Catholicism A wedding The death of my husband's father and grandmother The death of my husband's best friend The fallout from grief and PTSD Mental illnesses (those of others as well as mine) People's … [Read more...]

Marriages that Can Move Mountains

I just got finished watching Beyonce's visual album Lemonade and I'm blown away. First of all, let me just say that if my husband ever cheated on me, I am not going to change musical history unless it's from a prison cell, so the fact that a woman could make such a beautiful work of art, with the support of her husband, after healing from such betrayal is just simply amazing.I have seen people say that the visual album is vulgar and doesn't pass their "purity test". These are the kinds of … [Read more...]

I need to Know how to Love Jackwagons

I had great plans on how exactly Friday morning was going to go down. Pope Francis was dropping an exhortation and I was going to be one of the first people to read it (well, one of the first among us bloggers who don't get to read it before it is open to the public) and it was going to be great. I love papal documents.  I was so excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. I have a whole system in place and I can't sleep the night before, it's awesome.Then my uncle got sick and was put in ICU … [Read more...]

Authentic Feminism

I have been watching Scandal and other Shondaland shows for a long time wondering what exactly is it that people have such an issue with. I mean, I know why people have an issue with them, but at the same time I don't get why there is shock that our culture is producing these kinds of shows with this idea of what it means to be a woman in this time in history in the United States.What I realized is that most of Shondaland shows promote this idea of female empowerment that I know for a fact … [Read more...]

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is what the best moments in life are made of. When we are without a loved one for a very long time and then we know we will be back together with them everything else in the world stops.In May of 2008 I counted down the days until my childhood boyfriend would land in Austin, Texas from Iraq and I would see him for the first time in 17 years. For those 17 years I thought of him, wondered what he was doing, where he was living and what would have happened if he had married me. I … [Read more...]

I Never Dreamt Marriage Was Like This

Last night my husband and I sat in our room after dinner. He was in his chair working on his laptop and I was in bed reading a book. I felt a nudge to look up and when I did I saw my husband, the man that I love more than words the way that his mother looked at him.My husband had the most loving mother. She was everything that I could have ever wished for in a mom. She baked cookies, cooked your favorite dinner when you visited, drank giant diet cokes and chain smoked. What I loved the most … [Read more...]