Head-Desk Your Horoscope

When writing a horoscope, it is best to get oneself into the mindset of an astrologer. Therefore, I’ll be firmly smacking my head on the table before writing each sign.

To establish my authenticity, I will make spiffy, symbolically meaningful logos for every sign. Here’s Taurus:

(Cute isn’t he? I like the ring in his nose.)

Taurus the Cow - Don’t. Just don’t. Put it back in the box, call the exterminators or your local council and turn yourself in now. You’ll be doing yourself and the neighbourhood a huge favour. Especially once they realise why the geiger counters are going off in a five-kilometer radius of your apartment. Your favourite colour is police-siren blue and your lucky number isn’t mine, so stop calling. I’m not your lawyer. 

Okay, that’s fine for starters. Maybe it’s the bruise but I’m starting to lean a little to the right a bit when typing. Next one, next hit…

…I think I took that desk a little too hard… never mind.

What’s next?


Aries the Penguin - You are a deft and inventive person but no one is falling for your pyromaniac act and it certainly doesn’t pull the opposite sex. Before next week you will realise that rug burns are far more fun when they’re on your partner… but you will never find that out unless you start chatting to the correct kind of Redheads, not the ones that appear in a box of matches. Your favourite colour is smolder and your number is Fahrenheit 451. 

I think I’m getting better at this. Although the screen disappeared for a minute there, I don’t quite know what happened. If I turn to the left and look, it’s sort of gone. I’ll try the edge this time.

This isn’t so bad, just a little bit what next

I can’t find where I saved my draft sketch so I’ll just do this. You won’t care anyway, you’re focused onthe advice part anyway.

Motorbike Frog - You are probably a nice person when you are asleep AND NOT SO DAMN LOUD. Most of the time, people see you as a fine young upstanding member of the community. ha. That’s a problem when you’re actually a lousy, old sad and patheitique reprobate whos doing anything that moves. I’m so done with you. Your lucky colour is baboon-rear pink and your number is on the doors of every female toilet I could find with a message urging every fellow feminninst t to call you and tell you what a lying, diseased scumbag you are. But then, I think they of them know that. Bastard.

God you mostorbike frogs. Where the hell is the image program on these screen. Batards. Take ananother run at the deskk.

..?Rikght.
Sort of Weird Micky Rat Thing - You think you’re so sexy and that you’re a leader amonsgt your peers. Many think you’re a cruel bugger. Mostmicky rats are bossy so-and-sos and vain and rude and you do road rage. You DIScGUST me. You probaly drink to, to excess and you have weird dreams about horses. get away from me and colour yourself bright orange as a warning to others and your number is 666.I’m not god at this drawing thing anyway, just put the last one in baskwards, it’ll work. HAEAD TO DESK

Or i couldo this:

Inverse Rodent - hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa1! Youre upside down you silly thing! People think you’re the life of the party and they’d say that because you’re porpbably paying for the keg! Check your rental agreement and don’t let those wombats run way without paying for hte cleaning! Your colour is leftover tinnie silver and your number is probablyt he most popular in town when it comes to having a good Saturday night rage/. You never invite me, i don’t know why i love you so much & you nevr call pleas pleas please me pleas call 040118somthin

THere’s a big spot on my desk and . i think I’ve broken my mouse aso i’ll use the pad from now on but it’s sticky from the ow.

Ican;t draw anymore so can you do some thingie with the traditional ones, that’ll work. No one really reads what you rwite they just loks at the pictures so how about just this:

[image]

HA!!

Blu boobs - people seem to find you so ausomly amusing btu the fact is that everyone has them and whyy does anywon care; I mean really. and you lose your appeal after a few years and just sort of fall ovr. Dont worry, you can get a nice living out of comedy routines for thouzands of British humourists who never got out of the adlosecent stages of Kohlbergs’ thingeymy of ethical ladders. I’d say you’re rather cold pink and probably a good night out if you call 1800 BOUNCY. But not me iv’e got my own and I don’t nee d yours.

where was I -

is that ist? I think that s’s all of them and im just broke mye glassess & i’m so damned tired.

I think I left out Moose. I’m sorry moooses.

pixtur of a Moos hre pls

Mo0ose - you’re Cansadian and peoople who need peoples are the luckiest opeople in the worlds.
i loveyou canada and you serious ly should so kick amearicas butt; i mean wed help you because were all member ofs the emprie and engLAnd would help i know they would even tHOUght you have a differentflag to us.
you havereally hot skiers too and I dont knwo’ any hot Awsremican skiers. call me okay? hot pseorpel livin in cold place its not fair. i think its because of Awe=rmiereica and there foregign polifcy prejugseic agianst moose. We DONT” HAVE ANY PREJUFUIDE!

.but the neighboures wasn t me to stop shouldting so perhasps i hsoul just send this and got to nigh nights. yr colours are red white red white and you chould call me. i lov yo;

head=deskk
yeah thats it. spiritual.

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About Kylie Sturgess

Kylie Sturgess is a Philosophy teacher, media and psychology student, blogger at Patheos and podcaster at Token Skeptic. She has conducted over a hundred interviews including artists, scientists, politicians and activists, worldwide.
She’s the author of the ‘Curiouser and Curiouser‘ column at the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry website and travels internationally lecturing on feminism, skepticism, and science.

  • Glodson

    Almost there. Now you just need arbitrary dates for the signs. Don’t worry if they don’t make sense. The current popular Zodiac signs are inaccurate as well, and don’t make any sense either.

  • Aliasalpha

    Pfft your horoscopes are way off, I’m apparently taurus and not only is my favourite colour purple but I live in a HOUSE, not an apartment!


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