Are You a Biblically Qualified Pastor?

If so, then you might want to consider applying for this job in Coal Township, Pennsylvania. Here are some of the money quotes from the online job posting:

We are currently looking for a Pastor for our church in Coal Township, PA. Currently we hold services once a week at my home with our 6 members with me teaching due to the lack of a Biblically based church in our area. We are looking for a Pastor who is BIBLICALLY QUALIFIED and KING JAMES ONLY! We also need a Pastor who is constantly reading and studying God’s word.

In the qualifications for a Pastor it says he must be the husband of one wife. We believe that divorce is biblically unacceptable. We believe in biblical words such as Pastor, Bishop, Deacon etc. We Reject titles such as Reverend, Doctor, Minister, and Scholar. Reverend is used once in the bible and it is referring to God so unless you’re God… Simply put don’t give yourself a stupid name and we won’t call you by it. We also believe the Pastor MUST currently be raising or have raised Godly children. We currently have our service on Sunday 1-2:30pm, and then after we go Soul winning.

We believe the women are to have NO PART in the Teaching at church! A woman is to keep SILENT during the Teaching and Preaching. This DOES NOT forbid a woman from singing. Women can and should be preaching the Gospel through soul winning, and any chance she can get. She is only forbidden from doing so during church!

Clearly, using EXCLAMATION MARKS and ALL CAPS are a part of TRUE BIBLICAL PREACHING!

HT: Gavin Richardson

  • http://djword.blogspot.com Rick Bennett

    sign me up!

  • Larry Barber

    And you don’t even have to know “Sand Script”! They also seem to have a wonderful, teachable spirit.

  • Sam Halverson

    I’ll have to read the rest later. I’m crying, and I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

  • http://www.thoughtsofagyrovague.com Carl Holmes

    Ohh my… not sure if crying, laughing, or screaming is appropriate at the moment… probably a bit of all three.

    Heaven help us…

  • angie

    Is this a job description or a rant??

  • Obscuritus

    Can the candidate own his own slaves?

  • Larry Barber

    I’m waiting for Frank to comment on the “lover of good men” requirement.

  • mrich

    With 6 people in the guy’s living room, you can bet the salary and benefits will be astounding. Not to mention that their primary teacher will still be around after you get hired. Working on the resume right now.

  • Norm Deplume

    What is the salary at a church with only 6 members?

  • Phil Miller

    We believe the women are to have NO PART in the Teaching at church! A woman is to keep SILENT during the Teaching and Preaching. This DOES NOT forbid a woman from singing. Women can and should be preaching the Gospel through soul winning, and any chance she can get. She is only forbidden from doing so during church!

    As long as she sings silently during the service, I suppose…

  • http://ephesians2eight.com Noel Walker

    Very sad. “There but for the grace of God go I.”

  • Charles

    Smack dab in the middle of what locals call Pennsyl-tucky! I have a few candidates I need to send their way.

  • ME

    I’m so much smarter than those guys! Ha! I bet Jesus is impressed with my knowledge and wisdom. Those bumpkins in Coal Township, not so much.

  • Carey

    Head desk.
    Sweet Jesus, protect me [us] from your followers.

  • http://morechrist.blogspot.com K.W. Leslie

    A husband, raising godly children? Disqualifies Jesus then.

  • http://jontrouten.blogspot.com/ Jon Trouten

    I wonder what the starting wage is?

    No wonder they can’t find a church community that meets their pastoral needs. Jesus Christ wouldn’t have met their pastoral needs.

    • http://jontrouten.blogspot.com/ Jon Trouten

      I read through the entire job posting. Who in their right mind — even if they met all of the employment criteria — would apply to serve that church community? You’d be out the door the moment you ever made a mistake or uttered the wrong word.

  • http://www.anglobaptist.org Tripp Hudgins

    I’m gonna SHOUT when the Spirit says SHOUT? Maybe…I am not qualified for this job, alas.

  • Jon

    My mother was pregnant at 17. My parents were divorced before I was 6 years old. My parents have never been anything but a detriment to me. My mother was unable to carry a baby to term. I was supposed to have been stillborn; she couldn’t even do that right since I was born 10 weeks premature weighing only 3 pounds, 6 ounces (in 1968).

    I’ve lost count of how many times my mother has told people (usually total strangers) with more than 2 children, “I learn from my mistakes- one husband, one child”.

    My mother didn’t think I was worth demanding child support for, and my father never paid the child support that the judge told him to pay anyway. My mother worked 50-60 hours a week as a bookkeeper, but I’ve never had anything to show for it. I’ve had no contact with my father since 1983. I grew up malnourished because my mother never cared what I ate or even if I ate.

    My father slept around while my parents were married; my mother slept around after the divorce. When I was about 11 years old I busted my knee playing baseball- 1st base was the metal plate from a flatbed pick-up truck and I slid into the corner of it. That knee is a constant source of pain for me now. But anything that could have been done medically at the time wasn’t done because I wasn’t taken to see a doctor- my mother was too interested in going bar-hopping that night with her live-in.

    That live-in and I despised each other so I was made to live with my mother’s parents for 2 summers even though my mother’s mother was a paranoid schizophrenic who supposedly tried to kill my mother several times when my mother was a child. Now my mother has no recollection that I was ever missing for weeks on ends.

    Later that live-in nearly killed me when he threw a brass door knob through a plate glass window behind the couch where I had been sitting just seconds before. He then spent several months stalking us.

    I grew up wanting to be a doctor. My high school grades were very good- but I had no friends or social life to speak of. My mother paid for college, but she demanded that I leave the state and exiled me 600 miles away to go to a college that I didn’t want any part of, so I barely graduated with a degree in biology.

    Needless to say marriage was never an option for me so neither are children. I have always been damaged goods physically and emotionally; no woman in her right mind would have ever wanted me as a husband or my mother as an inlaw. So I don’t meet the “qualifications” that many churches impose on their pastors.

    My mother’s mother was from the earliest Lutheran/German Reform families to settle in western North Carolina. My mother’s father was likely raised as a Southern Baptist, but he was a practicing Roman Catholic before my mother was born, and I think he returned to Catholicism just before he died of cancer. But I never knew him to be anything but an atheist and all-around miserable human being.

    My father’s family was Southern Baptist (his grandfather pastored a church in the 1920s). But my father’s family never went to church; they did all of their worshipping at the First Baptist Church of Anheuser Busch.

    I became a Christian when I was 5 years old while attending a YMCA day camp where my father worked. But my mother isn’t saved and has never had any interest in being saved. So I have always been unchurched. While growing up there was only one church (Southern Baptist) that ever sent a Sunday School bus through my neighborhood. I went a few times but when this church started paying children to attend Sunday School I stopped going. It has since been made public that this church’s founding pastor spent decades molesting children at the church with the knowledge and consent of the church’s governing board.

    When I was a teenager my mother had to give up the best job she ever had when her employer, a Southern Baptist deacon, wanted her to be his mistress. He has since done jail time for child-molestation.

    When I graduated from college I wanted to establish a non-profit private school for Christian students. I investigated about 250 local churches, but I was unable to find one that was willing to let me borrow or rent classroom space. Most churches here will not even answer their telephone, return a phone call when the pastor is not present or acknowledge a personal letter.

    I turned down the first job I was offered as a Christian school teacher when I found out that the Southern Baptist pastor that owned the school was using 20 year old textbooks and offering me a salary that was half what he was telling parents he was paying.

    I lost my first job as a Christian school teacher when I refused to give out good report card grades just to keep the parents happy and the tuition money coming in.

    I quit my next Christian school teacher job when I found out the Baptist administrator had promised me $4000 more in pay than his company had authorized him to offer. He was later fired for making sexual remarks to some of the female students.

    I was working as a private tutor when my uncle died unexpectedly in 2005, and I inherited a fair amount of cash. I wanted to devote this money towards building a church/school facility. I offered the money to at least a hundred churches and other organizations in Florida, Alabama, Georgia and the Carolinas hoping that I could find one that could provide land to build on and a volunteer labor force, but to no avail.

    Due to my own stupidity and the overwhelming sense that I don’t deserve any better I am the only care-giver for my mother who has been disabled with lupus since the late 1990s. Her health took a turn for the worse after her brother died. She had surgery in 2008 for a perforated bowel and this lead to an E. coli infection and an 8 month stay in the hospital. She is currently recovering from more surgery that was needed to fix the damage done in 2008. And in the midst of all of this my own health has gone bad. I went 23 years without any illness more serious than a cold or sinus infection. But after visiting an elderly friend in a nursing home in September 2008 I had a bout with pneumonia that aggravated a leaky aortic heart valve, that I didn’t know I had, and this put me in congestive heart failure. My heart function normalized after taking medication for several months (I still face the possibility of open heart surgery some day to deal with the bad valve). But I am supposed to take 5 different medications for high blood pressure. I stopped after 2 years because I cannot tolerate the side-effects of the drugs. My BP is sky-high. I also have gout and arthritis that keeps me from driving and will likely cripple me if I live another 10 years. But precious few self-proclaimed Christians I have found will even offer me their prayers.

    By all right I should have a low opinion of organized churches, particularly Baptist churches. I have never once asked a church for help, either for myself or on behalf of someone else and had any help be forthcoming. But even though I have been un-churched my entire life I have not been without God. I have studied the Bible since I was 10 years old. I have spent a considerable amount of time studying the history of the Bible and the history of the Church. I have also studied creationism and Darwinism in great detail. Being un-churched means that man has had little opportunity to influence my doctrine.

    But still I want to pastor a church, if simply to have something of a family worth having. But no church will give me the time of day. And churches like this one in Coal Township- that don’t understand or accept legitimate Biblical doctrine- don’t help.


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