Note: This is satire.
I had lost three games of crazy eights and was getting desperate. I thought that perhaps I was losing because I was an atheist — what if there really was a god, and he was teaching me a lesson?
But which god was thwarting me? I deny the existence of millions of gods. As I thought about some of the ancient gods, I decided it might be Baal.
I had blasphemed old Baal throughout my former Christian life. This might be payback.
I didn’t want to lose again. So naturally I bowed my head, raised my hands to heaven, and prayed aloud, “O Great Baal, smile upon this game with your great grace and bounty.”
My wife looked at me a little strangely, but I didn’t care. This was about winning.
We played again. It was a miracle — I won! I had prayed to Baal and won! But I thought, Maybe this was just a fluke. It’s probable that after losing three times I could win one. So before the next game I prayed:
“O Great Baal, thank you for your blessing. But if you are truly real and are God above all other gods and idols, let me win this game as well. Then I will worship you as the One True God.”
The stakes were high. If there was a higher god than Baal, he would stop Baal from getting the glory and cause me to lose. If Baal was the highest god, on the other hand, I would win.
I won. A double miracle!
I present this as irrefutable evidence that Baal is the One True God and that he works mighty miracles among us today. If you do not worship Baal, his anger will burn against you and he will send you to hell for all eternity. So I implore you, believe!