I know you were wondering what kind of music will be entertaining you during your eternal stay in hell. Well, good news! One of God’s officials, known to us as Jack Van Impe, has leaked this information.
It’s going to be rock and rap music:
Transcript:
Someone [asked] me if there will be music in hell — well, if there is, it’ll be Rock & Roll and Rap. And I make no apologies for saying that…. I’m not afraid to say it.
I thought it was going to be death metal, so I’m pleasantly surprised. At least at the rock part — not so sure about rap, though.
But it’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative… those suckers in heaven will be stuck listening to hymns and psalms all day. I bet that gets old fast.
LOL. They’ve got a million years of that rubbish. Harp music too! Ha!
I wonder where Christian Rock will be played. Not allowed in heaven and certainly not allowed in hell. Purgatory would be the most appropriate place for having to listen to it…
And we wonder why people don’t take Christians seriously. Here’s a man who is supposed to be a biblical literalist, one who has a large portion of scripture memorized. A man that is supposed to believe the gospel is supposed to be trans cultural, and yet he’s made an idol out of one type of music, his favorite.
If Jack is so all fired up to be faithful to the traditions of the church though, he lose the harmony and accompaniment in the arrangement of his hymns. I’d love to Jack doing a Gregorian chant on T.V. and be faithful to an older form of music and not the fancy modern devil hymns by reformed slave traders.
Why would you be afraid to say something like that? Stupidity and cultural discrimination aside, it seems like “I’m not afraid to say that” is another way of saying “I’m not taking your censorship you radical left wingers’” or “political correctness be damned”? Maybe an attempt to convince himself that he’s not afraid?
…
Something seems fundamentally wrong about describing your lack of fear at saying / having said something, but the specifics elude me.
Regardless, is rock music really that bad? Most of what is described as rock seems to have much less ‘filth’ than pop, rap and industrial. That and ‘each to his own’ and ‘old man should stop complaining about society’.
Jack “hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn” Van Impe is epitome of the old school fire & brimstone church.
This gentleman is why I hope I die before I get old.
What will all the billions of poor souls who died before the advent of rock or rap music listen to for their torture? Perhaps this will be an added torment for them …a “double portion” of eternal misery. A bonus, even. Who could say?
I just can’t stop laughing!
Like someone (Twain?) said: Heaven for the climate; Hell for the company. And now: apparently for the music, too.
My husband said that that means Country Music in Heaven. Yet another reason to go to Hell.
What about Dave Mustaine? He’s gone born again but he still plays some wicked music. And he’s still a prick. Heaven or hell?
What would be worse in hell – bunking with Ted Haggard or Jack Van Impe?
LMFAO
I’ll follow Pj Harvey wherever she goes lol
Not that I think that Jack Van Impe is worth listening to anyway, but the nanosecond after “…and Al Sharpton THE GREAT BLACK LEADER” fell out of his mouth, I quit listening. Now, I know I don’t necessarily speak for all 30+ million of my fellow African Americans (apparently, that’s Al’s job, according to Van Impe), but when in HELL did Al Fucking Sharpton become anything remotely resembling a “great black leader”?
The fuck?
“Music in Hell Will Be Rock and Rap”
Then it won’t be Hell.
I can’t help but picture people being disemboweled and burned over a pit, to the tune of “It’s Been a Hard Day’s Night,” and “Baby got back.”
[Obligatory plug for Sympathy for the Devil]
Clearly, the music in hell will be Abba.
I disagree Jeremy. I can think of nothing worse than spending eternity listening to Country and Western.
I like country music. You are all haterz. ;p
Man can not live on Villa-Lobos alone.
What an ugly tool.
Wow – turns out I’m going to enjoy hell! I’m imagining lucifer standing over a couple of turntables, with earphones on, mixing Houses of the Holy in to Nothing But a G Thang.
Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
Neither of these will be. HEAVY FUCKING METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will be the soundtrack to our hellish expedition!
That must mean we’re all in at least purgatory.
for those about to rock, we salute you! (ac/dc)
In the words of Bon Scott from ACDC – “Hell ain’t a bad place to be”.
I have been married and divorced – Hell will be like club med.
I have a job waiting for me in hell torturing souls.
Oh no.
You guys do realize what this means, right?
Since it’s rock AND rap, then it can only be that RunDMC/Aerosmith abomination “Walk This Way” played over and over again for eternity.
And that would truly be hell.
@Cello
If hating country music is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Does that mean if I go to hell I’ll get to listen to some new 2pac? Good shit.
@Ty
Lil’ Wayne’s upcoming Rock album too? (I love Weezy, but if it’s anything other than awful I’ll be surprised).
So heaven gets country?
I’m so glad I’m not going there.
I’m going to FSM heaven, where there are beer fountains and a stripper factory. And presumably a lot of hair metal.
For your viewing and listening pleasure… (Vid by me, music by Echo Chamber</a).
Good peaceful music comes from a good peaceful place and will reside in a good peaceful place because dark evil music comes from a dark evil place, common sense, what’s wrong with people? If jack or jill does not like rap or rock why don’t they just say they don’t like rock or rap. All problems can be resolved without religion.
I agree it’s a little weird to proclaim one’s lack of fear about something that you don’t need to be scared of in the first place.
On the genre stuff, I hold firmly to Sturgeon’s Second Law. I’ve never yet been disappointed with how true it is.
“Regardless, is rock music really that bad? ”
Frankly, I’ve always wondered how much of the anti-rock bias is veiled racism. Most of the early early criticisms of rock seemed to focus on its ties to African American music.
I have relatives who still refer to rock music as “jungle music” (and worse.) But then, my family is southern.
“Regardless, is rock music really that bad?”
According to many middle school science projects at the Southern Baptist school I was brainwashed by for entire youth, rock music kills plants. So… the obvious conclusion is that rock music is played in hell, right?
Most of the early early criticisms of rock seemed to focus on its ties to African American music.
Not to mention most of the current criticisms of hip-hop and rap. Roger Ebert had a good article out some time ago about that (I think it was in the context of a movie review), focusing on exaggerations about content and cultural reference in some rap to smear the entire genre in a vaguely racist way.
But he have his ass covered on that. In the first part of the video he mention that even Al Sharpton once said something about rock music so it can’t be racist.
Yup, that was Twain.
I was just about to say that in my own personal hell, country music would be playing.
How can country and western music be played in heaven since of most of the genres, it has the most about getting drunk and sex. LOL I agree having to listen to it for eternity would be true torture.
Agreed!
Hey, what’s wrong with harp music. I play the harp.
Did you happen to see a little film called The Book of Life? PJ has a surprising role in it.
ROFL. Way back in the day, he did some good. These days he’s considerably less effective and more shrill (and perhaps the two are related).
I do give him points though for being good game for an occasional self-parody, such as his handful of appearances on Boston Legal.
“GIVE America a Black Santa Claus!”
“[psst](Gay, reverend, gay!)”
“GIVE AMERICA a GAY Santa Claus! Hallelujah!”
but when in HELL did Al Fucking Sharpton become anything remotely resembling a “great black leader”?
Well, I think you just answered your own question. One of the punishments of Hell will be an eternity of being pissed off and embarassed by having your identity-group represented by the most moronic member thereof ;-).
Agreed. Except Johnny Cash is definitely worth listening to (though he is probably more of a hybrid).
Not much cello in country music, is there?
I was thinking more along the lines of Gretchen Wilson and Billy Ray Cyrus. Redneck Woman and Achy Breaky Heart on an infernal eternal loop.
Even Cash’s evangelical songs are a wonderful. Speaking as someone who thinks that Dawkins can be a bit wishy-washy on the existence of god, I defy anyone to listen to his version of I Came to Believe (you can find it on American V, and probably other places, too) without a tear in their eye.
Actually, I bought an album of hymns he did while I was out with my wife’s family (Southern Baptist, YEC, Evangelical, but not as crazy as some), and they were surprised that I was buying Christian music, which confused me for a while.
But what Cash realises that so many Christian artists don’t is that talent and quality matter. He sings songs with actual meaning and feeling, and he performs them with such verve and emotion that, even though I disagree with the meaning, I cannot help but adore the medium. Most Christian music of the current generation is unredeemable crap, because they have a captive market of people who only buy their music from their local Christian Bookshop.
As an aside, my wife once mentioned something that she called “crossover music”, by which she meant Christian music that became popular amongst people who didn’t listen to Christian music. I pointed out that she meant “…among people whose primary criteria was quality rather than ideology”, and she seemed to agree with that.
Can’t say I know much about Brazilian classical. Did Villa-Lobos use cello a great deal in his work?
Yes, he was big on the cello.